9 years later!

Hello world!

Its been quite a while since I have been around here. So many times I wanted to write but didn't know what to say.

Life sure has had its ups and down the past year, but here I am.

Today marks what would have been 9 years of marriage. Its crazy to me to think I would have been married that long.

But I want to share something I have kept quiet about.

To me this marriage was/is very real. I married this man with the full intention of spending the rest of my life with him. We all know that didn't happen though.

This past February my VERY real marriage to this man was challenged.

As you all know I have had a rough journey with ones in his family. This hasn't been easy nor did I ever want it that way.

Valentines day this year exceeded all past conflicts.

A very private part of me and my beloved was taken from us. Some may say I'm selfish to hold onto pieces of us for only me but I get to be selfish. Plain and simple.

My wedding pictures....

Matt never saw them in person just on the computer. I didn't receive them until a year after our wedding.

So for me these photos were very intimate. Still are.

My wedding day is something I hold onto very close to my heart.

One can only imagine then when logging on to internet to then find ALL of your pictures post for the world to see quite shocking.

I have only ever had that feeling in my stomach one other time and that was when my Matt was taken from me.

And now this.

This is how things have always been. No one ever thinks about how it might affect others or their feelings.

These pictures were not just of me and my husband. There were pictures of lots of others that have died or divorced. Do you really think they wanted to see those either? Probably not!

With all of this I received message and message. Some from friends and family showing support and love. Others not so much.

I have basically been told that because he died our marriage is null and void and he belongs to them.

Just lots of hurtful hurtful things.

Let me just say I have the BEST husband in the world. He stayed by my side the entire day and held me as I sobbed. Since it was Valentines day I had plans to make a special dinner for my family but after all of that I had no more energy to do anything. He decided to get me out of the house and get my mind off of everything. He took both of his girls to dinner :)

We have talked about how to move forward from all of this and slowly we are. Unfortunately some things are going to just take more time but I can't go into that.

9 years later and I never saw things being like this.

I always wonder where we would be in our life, how many kids we would have, what struggles we would have faced, what our love would look like now.

I miss him still so much. Every time I see his face I fall in love with him again. I loved his crooked smile and they way he looked at me.

My vows meant the world to me and just because we aren't physically together doesn't me I can't still hold them dear. They still matter to me. I don't care if they don't mean anything to anything one else.

He was MY husband and no one can take that from me. I get the final say. I make the decisions that concern him.

Because they are mine and I want to here are a few of our special day I would like to share :)

I hope you enjoyed some of my most precious memories :)