Well hello!! It's been a long hot minute since I have even opened my blog. I honestly can't even remember when I did last. There has been a lot on my heart lately and I think it's time to start writing again. I think the best way to do this is just to jump right it. Rip the band aid off right?!
A few weeks ago my husband and I started therapy again. We decided to do this more of a proactive move for our marriage. We aren't in a really bad place but when we see warning signs instead of ignoring them or trying to fix them on our own and fail we seek counsel from a third party to help us navigate through it all. I think all marriages should do this. It shows that your marriage is actually healthier than you think and on the right track.
This is where things get messy. Through this more of my past is being brought to the fore front. I did counseling long ago as well as grief group therapy. I worked through a lot of crap and dealt with a lot I never wanted to, but as we know grief is a journey that never ends. Almost 13 years later here I sit writing about it.
It's been said now by our counselor and a family friend that the way I'm living my life is unhealthy. That I'm holding onto my past and not letting it go.
I have been told it's not normal to have a picture of my deceased husband in my home (by said friend).
I've been told I talk about him and say him name too much ( by said friend).
I was literally put into a full anxiety attack because of a "hypothetical" situation where my husband is uncomfortable with this photo and my "habit" of talking about my first husband ( by said friend).
The last two weeks I have soul searched and really reflected on all of this. I don't see our counselor until next week and I fully plan to talk about all of this and see if she has thought about the confusing thoughts she was having.
During this time of reflection I have sought others advice and thoughts. I have also been given so many signs that have made a lot of these things very clear to me.
This is what I have realized or already knew just needed to remember.
1. I'm not living an unhealthy life.
2. I have moved forward though I do agree with our counselor that there are still things I need to release and work through and therefore I will be going back to my own personal therapy.
3. It's completely normal and ok to have a picture of my Matt in my home.
4. It's not confusing for my children to see him and hear about him.
5. It's healthy and normal to say him name and keep his memory alive.
6. You don't ever 'get over' grief or loss.
7. My husband fully supports me and is more than ok with how I have chosen to keep Matt's memory alive in our life.
8. Those who have never been through what you have have no clue what they are talking about! (professionals have schooling and research and lots of insight but its still not the same if that haven't experienced it)
9. No one will tell me how to live my life or go through my grief journey unless you are a professional I'm seeking counsel from or my husband.
10. I am a widow and a wife. They are two in the same person. They each have their own place and are equally as important.
11. I have opened my heart four times in my life and that is extremely special to me. Matt, Tom, Kaity, Parker.
12. This journey has so many twists and turns and you never know what will happen next.
13. My feelings and emotions are valid and mean something.
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Losing my husband at such a young age when life was just beginning has left a lasting impression on me. I truly feel it hit my heart in a way that up to this point I haven't realized what it actually did to me. A piece of me died. That piece controls my emotions, vulnerability, empathy, sympathy, ant d compassion. Now that I have fully acknowledged this I want to heal it and come back to life. I know I will never be that same person I was before. I don't want be. I want to be better.
This post is so honest and real for me. Putting this out here publicly is hard.
If you are reading this and are grieving yourself let me give you one piece of advice. Feel it. Feel it all. Don't close it off. It's so much better for you to feel all of it and grieve. Remember your special person. Don't ever forget them or let anyone tell you to move on. In time you will move forward but allow yourself time and grace. Say their name and often as you want to. Talk about them.
I'm so excited to be over here again. I'm not sure how often I will be able to write but I hope to do it as much as possible. I have always used this as my platform to grieve and heal and just let go. This is a new season and ready to go through it all!
I plan to continue writing about this part of my journey but would like to add some of my life and craziness to the mix if you all are up for it too!
Rhena~
