Our Christmas choice

So it seems there has been a lot of talk about Santa and Baby Jesus lately. It has caused me to do a lot of soul searching and figuring out what I believe.

My parents decided when I was young that they would tell me the 'truth' about Santa and that they are the ones that made Christmas happen. Their reasoning behind it was they were taught through the church that it was like lying to me and if they were going to lie to me about Santa then I would question what they taught me about Jesus since I couldn't see him either. Honestly it didn't hurt me at all knowing the truth and I wasn't heart broken. I wasn't one of those kids that went around and told all the others kids Santa wasn't real. My parents explained that some kids believed and it wasn't my place to tell them otherwise.

As a child though I did look at Santa as kind of 'bad' because, how dare he lie to all those children!

Just to clarify I believe my parents were doing what they thought was right for my brother and I by telling us the truth.

Tom on the other hand grew up with Santa in their home. He says he knew at a young age he wasn't real because he snuck in his parents closet and found the presents! (he was naughty as a little boy he he) I remember the first Christmas Tom and I were together his mom wrote 'from Santa' on some of my presents and it felt weird because I had never had presents say that before! My presents always had a reindeer name on them(my mom gave us a reindeer name every year and we didn't find out which one we were til Christmas morning:)).

So our little bug actually understands the Christmas thing this year and up until this year I had it in my mind we were going to tell her the truth but still "pretend" just for fun. But after much thought and reading we together have decided that we are going to do the whole Christmas thing. Every part of it and I'm probably more excited than my three year old!

We are going to do Santa and baby Jesus. I believe that it is perfectly fine for her to believe a nice old man brings her presents. We will teach her the history of St. Nick as she gets older when she can understand. She will also know about Jesus and the manger. I feel that her believing in a white bearded man will not affect her believing in the One who will save her one day.

So Tom has agreed to get a Santa suit and actually put her presents under the tree after she has gone to bed just in case she peeks:) He will eat her cookies she makes every year and drink the Pepsi she puts out. ( our Santa only drinks Pepsi...a tradition Tom's dad started when they were kids) We will leave footprints and reindeer tracks. I can't wait to pretend and be a kid all over again!

December # 6

Its December. The month I dread every year. Its been almost six years and this year seems to be harder than last year.

Maybe its because I'm starting a whole new life here in Texas so a lot of little memories have been surfacing of when Matt and I moved to Missouri. You see, this is mine and Tom's first 'real' move away from family. I haven't lived outside of California since I moved back almost six years ago so I have always had my family to hold me close and support me during this time of year.

Maybe its because we are settled now and I have a lot of time now to think about my life and how different things are going to be now. Training, deployments, and such. So nervousness is setting is as well.

Or maybe its that Matt's sister just had her second baby and it is a little boy who they have named after him. I have watched all the little videos of this new beginning of theirs and am so happy for them but can't help but look at all the videos and pictures and think of all Matt is missing. I know he would have loved these to precious angels his sisters has now and I know how much he loved kids so he would have been a great uncle. And then part of me wishing I could have a small part in their lives to share the part of their uncle with them that I hold so dear.

Through all of this though, I have a wonderful husband who is focusing so much on helping me through all of this 'stuff' this year. I know he feels as though he isn't doing a good enough job but what he doesn't realize is that him just sitting and holding me and giving the little kiss on my forehead is all I really need right now. I just need to know I'm loved and that my feelings are being taken care of and he really is doing just that!

So as I struggle through this month I ask anyone who reads this to please just say a little prayer for me. My family needs me and I want to make this year special since it will just be the three of us for Christmas, but I sure am feeling weak in the strength department.

Bosom Friends

If I turned the clock back.....

I didn't want you there. I didn't want to share. I liked it just being me. You weren't in my plan. I wanted my mom to myself.

I disliked you so much to the point of hate. God had other plans for us though.

It was soccer season again and it was made very clear we were to be on separate teams because we didn't get along.

Some how we ended up on the same team. We learned to work together as teammates which turned into working together as friends and then as sisters. We became best friends and we inseparable.

We experienced everything together. You were the one I told all my secrets to. We would lay on our beds one of us upside down and laugh till our stomachs hurt because of how are faces looked upside down. No one else understood it but us. We planned our futures together of being hairstylists on cruise ships and opening a cafe with a skate park inside. We wanted to go to military school together and pretended for weeks we really were there! You taught me to dance and roller blade. We liked the same boy forever and talked of our dream guys we would marry. We said we would always be together.

You were the one I told about my first kiss and I for you. We held each other when we were hurting. I fell so in love with you as my bosom friend.

We never shared clothes or shoes but we shared our intermost desires.

I always wanted a little sister and God gave me you. I might not have been bigger than you in size but I was your big sister:)

You were there the day  I said 'I Do' to my first love and you were the only one who could help me make it through some of the worst moments when I lost that love. You took care of me and kept me safe when I was wandering. I was there beside you the day you said 'I Do'. We may have grown distant during that time but I never stopped loving you and wishing you and I were the way we used to be.

You were there when I said 'I Do' the second time to my soulmate (even if you were barefoot)!
You were there the day I brought my angel into this world and I watched you fall in love with her the way I did.

I have always looked up to you for being so strong and making it through everything you have.

You saved me from making so many mistakes and you helped save my marriage.

I never ever thought 'what if you never existed?' Not until now.
What if I didn't have all those memories?
What would my life look like?

It would have been so empty.....the way it feels now without you. You have just left! Without saying goodbye. I miss you so much and wonder if I will ever see you again. Will I ever get answers to questions I have? Will my little girl who adores you so ever truly know you the way I do?

I want you back in the worst way. You will always be my sister and I will always love you.

chapters life

We all have chapters we go through in life. Some short others very long. Some are extremely happy and some are very sad. There are boring chapters and normal chapters.

Looking back most of my life has had normal chapters. The past 6 years has brought the extremely happy yet very sad chapters. Some say by now I should be "over" all of this and no longer talking about it or bringing up things from the past. Well I'm here to tell you all that I will never be "OVER" this nor do I want to be. It has defined who I have become and why would I want to change that.
To get over something is essentially forgetting it. So what they are really saying is forget the past six years like they never happened! NO!!!!!!!!!!
God has finally brought me to the spot He has been trying to get me to for a while now. He has been throwing huge hints at me for a few years but I have been to afraid to take them. I felt like if  I completely let go then I was forgetting my first love. What I have learned is that closing this chapter and letting go is not forgetting him at all. Instead I'm letting go of the chains and holding onto the love and memories 'we' had. No one can ever take that from me! I have no bitterness anymore and haven't for a while now just to clear that up. And I'm not hurting anyone I love anymore either because I have chosen to get help and work through my problems not just forget them!
I will always love the people in my chapters but a good book always has an ending. My book is still being written but the longest chapter is finally done! I can't tell you how relieving it is to say that.
I have wanted this for so long just didn't know how to get there. I'm glad the action has finally been taken and I can finally focus on what is right in front of me....my little family<3 Thomas James Frounfelker and Kaitlynn Irhena Frounfelker I love you both with every part of my being.

Matthew Nathanael Payne....you will always be in my heart and I will always love you. You know where you are in our family and the place where you sit. Tom, Kaity and I will forever be grateful for you because without you we wouldn't have our family. Kaity will know you and love you for what you have given her. Tom will forever appreciate the person you helped me become and for allowing him to love me. And I my love will NEVER forget the love we shared and the special memories we made. We were a true family you and I and you will always be a part of the family I have now.

Present and future show me what you are holding for me...Past you no longer have a hold on me or my family!

If you have a chapter you are holding onto its ok. In time you will have the peace to let it go and move forward. Until them forgive yourself and give yourself permission to finish the chapter in your time!

When did "we" change?

I don't normally talk of religion or beliefs in a setting like this but lately that has been on my mind.....

I grew up in a Christian home, with loving Christian parents. We were in the church every time the doors were open, we went to the Christian school, and we were all in ministries.
At the age of 17 I got the assurance of my salvation because of the many doubts I had along the way plus I never remember there being a moment in time I asked my Saviour into my life.
After graduating high school and getting married a year later I moved to a little town with my new husband. We went to the church we were expected to go to since his father was the pastor and all. It was nothing I had ever experienced in my life. So very different in so many ways.
Once I went back to my home town I went to the church I was raised in once again. That is when things started to change for me.
I really kind of stopped going after a while one because I got tired of people asking me how I was doing, two it was just plain to hard!
Being away started to really make me think about a lot of things though.
I have always wanted to raise my children in church because that is where I learned so much about Jesus. But when did we start thinking that the only way for our little ones to learn the stories and verses was in sunday school or the mid week sessions?
When did it become ok to put people on some pedestal and expect so much from then just because of who they are?
I believe the Bible says we are all equal in HIS eyes and therefore should be treated as such.
When did being a Christian mean that you had to dress a certain way, look a certain way and if you anything but that, you are worldly?


Recently I was told that the godly Rhena they knew would never say anything about anyone even if is was true and that they looked up to me as their role model of a godly young lady. 
What did I do to put myself in a position to be thought of this way with such high expectations?
I have always been very real and outspoken and I do admit that that has gotten me in trouble at times. 


I love my Jesus with all my heart and He has shown Himself more to me in the last year than ever before. But me loving Him does not mean that I must live up to certain expectations for others. I don't want to be the one that gets put in a box and looked at a certain way. I want people to know and see that Jesus has loved me despite all I has done and that through Him loving me, I have a love for Him that shows through my kindness to others, a forgiving spirit(still working on that one), a loving touch, and a desire to serve Him in the way HE sees fit. I will never be perfect and nor do I really strive to be but I do strive to be like my Jesus.  He didn't care where the poor man walked, He still walked beside him, He didn't care what the prostitute wore, He still loved her, so why do we judge on what is on the outside instead of the heart?


My prayer is that we love the heart of a man not his exterior. 
Yes people stumble, we say things we don't mean or without thinking, but we also say the truth and are shunned for it. 
Maybe this makes no sense and quite honestly I'm still trying to make sense of it all as well but I know I am loved despite myself and that He will never stop loving me no matter what!

Finding Love

I have decided its time!!! I have been telling my my "whole" story since I started my blogging journey and now I'm going to jump ahead a few leaps and hurdles!!!

This morning I read a post from a "soul sister" of mine and it spoke volumes. I felt like she was writing my heart for last two years!

As most of you know I was widowed at 19 and met my present husband 6 months later. What you don't know nor did my husband or I was that when we met he didn't really meet the real me!

He met an illusion of me but not the real person. I didn't know this at the time and to be honest just realized it within the last few weeks.

Though I seemed available emotional I was not!

I gave my "heart" to him and "fell in love".

After we got married something changed in me. I didn't "feel" for him the way I had when we first met. One month after our wedding we found out we were pregnant. As excited as I was something just wasn't right.

For the last 3 1/2 years I have dealt with this "feeling".

On my daughter's first birthday I decided in my heart I wanted to leave. We had been married almost 2 years at the time. Our marriage was falling apart and so was our life.

He wasn't the same person when we met and neither was I. I didn't know the person I saw in the mirror and he didn't either. He had no intention of leaving me and really didn't know how serious I was about leaving. No one was but one good friend.

But I stayed! Physically that is. I didn't want to be touched by him, kissed, or even looked at for that matter. I had decided to stay for our daughter, at least that is what I kept telling myself. But deep down when I imagined my life without him I would break. I didn't know why considering I wanted nothing to do with him.

I felt aweful, sick most of the time.

What had I done! I met this great guy who loved me for me, whatever that meant and here I was not knowing what I wanted.

Looking back I know now that "I" wasn't ready but God was. He knew what He was doing.

Yes love is a choice! Not everyone has come to that place of having to choose yet but it will happen.

I chose to stay from day one because I knew it was the "right" thing to do but my heart was never in it.

As I write this I feel aweful because I know how blessed I am to have been given a second chance at love. I promised myself almost 6 years ago that I would never take for granted what I have and for the last 3 plus years I have. Those of you that have met my husband know how great and special he is and probably think how horrible I am for treating him this way. I feel that way too!

Almost a year ago I finally realized that I needed help. I had a lot of unfinished grieving that I never dealt with and I saw where it was leading me and my family. So for the last year I have been growing, not always fun by the way, but definitely worthwhile. My husband and I also started a business which brought a lot of things about us to the forfront of our relationship.

I have cried, got angry, cursed, screamed, and laughed through this year long journey.

I am so very happy to tell you that I have found "me"! I am becoming the woman I still strive to be!

My husband left July 5th for the Army and to be honest at that point I was still happy he was leaving. I felt we needed a break. It only took me saying goodbye at the hotel entrance to realize what I was walking away from.

An amazing husband

wonderful daddy

I can tell you today that it took that for me really to finally choose.

I choose him!

I choose his love!

I choose his touch!

I choose his kiss!

I choose his smile!

I choose him!

I have never been more in love in my life! Just the thought of him gives me goose bumps:)

Its been 37 days since I saw him last and I have 48 more to go.

Choose love...Will it always be easy?? NO! Will it always be worth it?? YES!!!!!!!!

I married a man Feb 2, 2008 but I fell truly in love with him July 6 2011!

He literally is the best thing that has ever happened to me and can't wait to be 80 years old and still this "in love" with him<3

Change

Life is about change right???......well of course it is! Do we always like change????.....probably not!!!!!

Over the last 5 1/2 years my life has brought lots of change. Actually my entire life has had lots of change now that I think about it.

But something has "changed" through all this current change.

I have never been good with change and have always tried to resist it. I think that is how most of us are programmed. We like security and stability. (at least i do)

To elaborate a little......when I was a little girl anytime we went on a trip or someone came to visit I would get so worked up and excited and nervous I would get sick. As I got older it turned into anger or being weepy and I wanted the attention.

A good example is when my sister came to live with us. I truly despised her and wanted nothing to do with her. I became very angry and emotional and clingy to my mom since she now wasn't giving all her attention to me! Very selfish I know but my life had also been turned upside down along with everyone else and this was my way of coping with it. The older I've gotten the worse it has become.

Losing my husband was what pushed me over the edge. I did not know how to cope with that "change" and didn't seek guidance as to how I should deal with such a loss. All I knew to do was be angry, bitter, deeply sad and hurt, and bury it deep inside my soul. In doing all of those things the last five years I hurt many and myself. I have missed out on so much in life. It has taken almost losing my family(will give details in upcoming posts) to finally realize all of this.

In this last year of my life I have come to the realization that change is necessary for growth. The problem is that most of us don't look at change this way. We look at it as a wall to our happiness instead of a bridge to bliss.

I have always disliked people critiquing me and correcting me when wrong. Through counseling and personal development and my gracious Jesus I am now embracing it. I need those things to grow and better myself. I need life coaches that will be honest even when it hurts.

This is the new me.....I am learning to love who I am becoming. I am actually happy with the person inside me and excited where life is going.

I LOVE the changes right now because it means something new and fresh is on the horizon.

Change is what life is really about but what we do with it is even more important.

If you are going through adversity right now I'm excited for you!!!! Why you ask??? Because it shows the world what you are made of!!

Most people wonder "who is this woman now??" I am Rhena Noel Frounfelker! I am the wife to an amazing husband who is patient and loving when I don't deserve it, one who fights for our freedom in this country and in our home, I am a mommy to a beautiful, smart, imaginitve little angel who has showed me life is full of hope and love, she brings the best out of me and encourages me to be a better follower of my Jesus, and last but certainly not least I am one who is trying to make a difference in others lives in every way possible.

I love the woman I am becoming....and.....that my friends.....is a HUGE accomplishment!!! I no longer will be taken advantage of, hurt, abused(emotionally), or be wronged by any human being......doesn't mean people won't try but they WILL NOT succeed!!!!

Part 17

After a week of being in paradise we had to come back to reality!

Tom went back to work a few days after we got home and I settled into be a 'wife' again.

It was exciting yet scary being a wife again.......I had a lot of memories start coming back and I worried every day and still do by the way, that he wouldn't be coming home.

On that note.....because of everything that had happened to me already Tom and I had decided that we weren't going to wait to start a family. We wanted to get pregnant as soon as possible!

In our minds we figured it would take a few months because that seemed to be how it is for most people.

Well 28 days later was the beginning of a HUGE new chapter in both of our lives!

**************

I had my annual Dr.'s appointment that day and when asked if I could be pregnant I said yes and then was offered a pregnancy test. I declined because I didn't want to be let down in front of anyone and because I figured it was too soon to tell. I went home later that day and ended up giving in because my body up to that point had been like clock work when it came to all the "girly" stuff and nothing had happened yet!

So I got a test and did it.....I waited the three forever long minutes in my bathroom.

................."NO" I said out loud...."Its has to be wrong"....."Really?".....



I started crying with excitement and unbelief.

Tom was still at work so I immediately called him.

"Hi, guess what?"



"What?"



"Well, I took a test and.....it came back positive!!!!!"



"What?.....Are you sure?"



"Yes I'm sure!"



"Well maybe you should wait to get all excited until you can go to the Dr. and get one from them."



"Really? That is all you can say?"



So obviously Tom was in shock! He didn't quite respond the way I would have liked him to and at the time it really hurt my feelings that he wasn't as excited as I was!

I went back to the Dr. the next day and did a test.



On my way home I got a call and they said it was negative! I was sooo upset! (I still think they switched my sample with the girl that put hers in next to mine!)

I called Tom crying with the news and he said not to worry about it because it was just the first try!

Yeah whatever!!!!! I went back to walmart and I got four more tests and went home and did them all!

All of mine came back positive!!! I was so confused! How could all of my tests come back positive and their one test come back negative! So I called the Dr.'s office back and told them I wanted a blood test to confirm.



The next day I went back to the doctor's and had blood drawn. They told me the Dr. had up to 72 hours to give me my results so I just had to wait for the phone call.

Really?????? I had to wait up to 72 hours?????? I was going to die!!!!

I called the next day and they didn't have the results yet.....I called the next day and still no results.......

The third day I called and still nothing!!!!!!

That same day it was almost 4:30pm, which is when the Dr. office closed, I was a mess. It was Friday so now I pretty much told myself I was going to have to wait the whole weekend to find out!

4:25pm.......the phone rang! I answered it and to my SURPRISE......it was the Dr.!!!!!!!!

She said she had my results! The way her voice sounded on the other end didn't sound promising......but........I was told I was definitely PREGNANT!!!!!

She said she had no idea how they got my test wrong in the first place because I was certainly pregnant.

I was about six weeks along!!!!!

So a few days before that i had t-shirts made that said grandma-to-be and grandpa-to-be. That was how we planned to tell our parents.

The only hold up was that we had to send one of them to Ohio to his mom! So now we still had to wait the weekend!

Monday couldn't come fast enough! But it did finally come:)

I have to tell you I think I did a very good job of keeping it a secret! I only told one person besides Tom of course that I was pregnant. I knew she wouldn't tell anyone else and I just had to get it off my chest!

So when Tom got home from work Monday late afternoon we waited for his mom to call us to let us know she had received the package and then we went over to my parents house.

We had Tom's mom on the phone and we handed my parents their boxes. We told them all they could open them.......and surprise your going to be grandparents!!!!!!

They were all thrilled and wanted to know everything:)

We then of course called our siblings and told them. My parents didn't want us to tell the rest of the family til our weekly family night. So the next family night my mom and dad wore their shirts and we surprised the rest of the family!

~~~~~~

I would say I was pretty fortunate throughout my pregnancy. I had no morning sickness and no complications.

The nine months went by slow then fast and then slow then fast and well I think you get the point!

We decorated in classic pooh for the nursery. My mom and I painted the room and she painted a mural on the wall of pooh with his friends and a big tree. I loved her nursery sooo much!

I had a huge baby shower and I got lots and lots of fun stuff! My child definitely wasn't wanting for anything!

~~~~~~~~

Kaitlynn Irhena Frounfelker was due Nov. 4th which happened to be election day that year.

The beginning of Oct. I started having contractions but nothing to strong. My doctor released me to fly to Ohio for my sister-in-laws wedding at 36 weeks!!!

When we got back I think we went to labor and delivery like three times and every time they sent us home!

On Oct. 25th we went down to the lower desert for a nice evening together. We went to dinner and window shopping. We had a really good time:)

While we were out I started having some contractions and they were getting stronger through the evening. By the time we got home they were pretty strong. So we went out to L&D, this time I was dilated a little bit more but not enough to stay so we went home again.

Oct. 26th was a Sunday, we stayed home from church to rest and then we went for a nice long walk around the neighborhood. It was my parents anniversary so we met the family for lunch at a restaurant in town. The entire time we were there I was having contractions. Again they were getting stronger. My sister kept count the whole time to see how close together they were.

Once we got home I layed down and I continued to have them. We kept count the rest of the day and evening. I took a nice bath that night and then eventually went back to L&D to get checked. I was dilating more but still not enough. So again we went home. They gave me some tylenol with codine for the pain and to help me sleep comfortable.

It didn't work at all!!!!! I tossed and turned all night!!!! I was in sooo much pain.

Tom had to get up really early that morning to go to work, poor guy. We didn't get home from the hospital that night till close to midnight.

So at about 4:30am or 5:00am I got out of bed and went out to the couch. I was having the worst contractions.....I thought I was going to die!!!!!!!

I finally called my mom, barely able to talk, I told her I needed her to come over and sit with me.

The way I could even get close to handling the pain was to get on my hand and knees and rock back and forth( I know way to much info). When my mom pulled into the driveway she said she could hear me clearly in the driveway!!!! I was in agonizing pain!!!! My poor dog was sitting in the corner of the other couch shaking in fear!!lol she was soo scared!

Once my mom came in the house and saw me she said it was time to go to the hospital. I told her I didn't want to go because they were just going to send me home again. She said not this time they won't trust me!!!!

So we called Tom to have him come home and to our surprise he was already on his way. His work told him he could go back home to get some rest since he had been at the hospital most of night. Haha rest....thats funny...we haven't had rest since that day!!!!lol Just kidding:)

So my mom went and got my dad and granny and then met us back at our house. We loaded up and headed for the hospital. That 30 minute drive seemed like hours.

Every little bump seemed like a crater we went over!!!!

Made it to the hospital in one piece. Walked ALL the way to the elevator and went up to the maturinty floor. They checked me(I was between a 6 & 7), admitted me, broke my water(now realize how unnecessary that was), got a little shot to help me relax for an hour.......OMG that was soooo awesome!!!!

My goal was to not get an epidural no matter what!!!(except an emergency)

Unfortunately that didn't happen.....Once they broke my water my contractions started getting much stronger and my body started to really tense up so I wasn't dilating the way I should have been. So the dr. decided to put me on pitocon. I realized then that I couldn't do it without the epidural. I knew how strong my contractions were going to get and i was so exhausted i couldn't do it. So I was given the epi and within 45 min. I was pushing out our little angel:)

Stay tuned.........

MIA

Wow....I didn't realize how long I have been gone!!!!

Its been two months since I have even logged into my blog!!!

Life has definitely been super busy.....very thankful....but crazy busy!!!

My hubby and I are building a new business and that is taking up most of our time these days:) Then we have a crazy two and a half year old that is keeping us on our toes! Tom is also preparing to leave for army school in July.

Along with all of those things going on there are the daily challenges we all face. Some bigger than others. The last two months have been huge growing months for me and although they have been tough I have appreciated them. I truly believe diversity shows you who you really are.

I'm so thankful I have a husband who is so patient and understanding through everything. He is helping me through probably the toughest things I have faced since my first husband died.

Hopefully soon I will be able to share everything without wanting to start bawling and get heated up inside.

My story will continue shortly....I really want to strive to post once a week. I will do my best to stick to that:)

3 years

Its definitely been a while since i have posted anything here. Life has been very busy and i'm just rolling with it!!!! I plan to continue my story shortly and to update you all with what has been taking place in our life!



But today I want to talk about my awesome, wonderful, loving, understanding, patient husband.



Today is our three year anniversary!!!!! As I was laying in bed this morning I was thinking back to that wonderful and happy day!



It was very cold and cloudy. It was exactly what I wanted! A beautiful wintery day:)



On that day I became Mrs. Thomas Frounfelker! I LOVE my last name!



I love the uniqueness of it, the fact that no one can pronounce it right or spell it!



I love that I get to carry his name forever!!!!



This last year of our marriage has been extremely tough and iIthought of giving up at times(will explain in up coming posts).



But here I am today still holding on and pushing through.



My husband is so brave to be with me. He has stuck around when most men would have left. He is sooo patient with me and loves me despite ME!!!!



I'm definitely excited to see what this next year has in store for us. I'm falling in love with him all over again and I am enjoying every minute of it!



He is my best friend and I can't imagine living my life with anyone else!



Thomas James Frounfelker.......I love you with ALL my heart and I promise to give myself to you forever!!!



I meant the vows I said to you three years ago and I will uphold my promise as long as I live!



You and our beautiful little angel are my reason for living and I will strive to make you both as happy and I can make you:)



Happy Anniversary sweet heart! FOREVER AND ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!