"The EVE"

Today is the eve of my first husband's death. Tomorrow it will be five years since he left me on this earth to be with Jesus.



Yesterday was an emotional day for me as I drove on the 10 fwy. I thought back to our last night together and how precious it was.



I honestly can not believe five years has really gone by so fast!



Today I will be with all my family celebrating my pappy's birthday. As I put my smile on my face in front of them my heart is breaking inside for the great loss I have had. Oh how I wish I could be at his grave just talking to him. I would love to lay a dozen daisies by his head and tell him how I still love him.



How come someone's heart ache like mine five years later?



Because he was my soulmate! He was the one who made me whole. He completely completed me! We saved ourselves for each other and that was the most precious gift we could have given each other.



Yes I have a new soulmate and he completes me to the fullest but a piece of me stills grieves for the one who is in heaven.



Some ask how can you love two men? The answer lies with the One who gave both of these great men to me.



I know i'm just rambling right now but this is my heart speaking.



*********



Matt I miss you so much and wish for just one moment I could see your face again and tell you how much I love you and adore you. You were my everything and still are. I know you are watching down on me and my little family and you protect us every day. You see our future and I know you are so excited for us. Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to love you and be your wife. Thank you for picking Tom out for me before you even realized it and preparing me for the day we would meet. Thank for being my baby's guardian angel. Even though you are gone in body you walk with me every day in my heart.



Today I reflect on our last day together. It was out of a story book just as the rest of our journey was.

Part 16 "Our Honeymoon"

Feb. 3rd,2008 we boarded a plane to the beautiful island of Hawaii......

Before I get into our wonderful story of heaven on earth I have to share my family's experience travelling back home.

To start off with remember I got married in February.....one of the coldest months of the year! Snow, ice, freezing rain....you name it, it was happening!

I guess I will start with my brother and sister.....they went to the airport together and said there goodbyes. My brother if I'm not mistaken missed one flight and had to find another one.

My sister also missed her flight and found another one and had to wait a little while later. She made the next flight and it was all going pretty smooth until they reached their destination.....on the other side of the country(California) the wind was abnormally strong. Every time the pilot tried to land it shoved the plane back in the air. Everyone on the plane was starting to panic. Almost everyone got 'sick' some more than once. Some were actually puking in the back of the seat! Passengers were hyperventilating, one man in particular was sweating and almost passed out! My sister was also one of those passengers who was freaking out and loosing everything she put in her tummy that morning! Can you imagine the smell????!!!!

The pilot decided that it was going to be impossible to land so they turned around and went to Arizona. They landed in Phoenix I think and had to take a bus to LAX. Talk about a trip!!!!!! My sister has said since that trip that she will never fly again if she doesn't have to!!!!lol

On to the rest of my family.....My parents and grandparents had all the same flights back so they all figured it would be a nice trip home......Well were they wrong!

They boarded their plane that morning and everything seemed fine. The weather was tolerable and they made it to Chicago where they had a layover.

It was time to board the plane again, everyone was seated and ready to take off when over the speaker the pilot told everyone that they couldn't take off because the runway was to icy. They didn't know how long it would be til they could take off so everyone needed to be patient.

So naturally they all thought maybe another thirty minutes.....I don't exactly know how long they waited but it was a long time!! No one was allowed to get off the plane. Can you imagine being held hostage on a plane for hours! It was stuffy and people were very rude! They ended up making it home safely but it definitely was trip they will NEVER forget!!!!!

~~~~~~~

So now back to our honeymoon!

We had a long flight ahead of us but we didn't care. We were sooo excited and just married! On the plane there was a TV that had our entire flight on it so we could see where we were at and how much time was left. It was really neat.

After a 13hr. flight we made it! As we were landing it seemed like a dream that we were actually in Hawaii! We got off the plane and walked into the airport. It was an outdoor airport! It didn't even look like an airport!

We got our luggage and headed to the rental car place. Rented our car and then headed to the hotel. The lobby was outside!!!!! I had never been in such a place that everything was outdoors!

We made our way to our room....It was so nice. Everything was so 'Hawaiian'!!! We had a great view looking out to the ocean and the city of Waikiki.

After we settled into our room we decided to take a stroll in the city to take it all in. We ate at a Red Lobster since we didn't really know the area.

Day one we found a tourist agent to help plan out the things we wanted to do while we were there.

The first thing on our list was to go to a luau. It was sooo fun!!!! So much dancing and the food....OMG.....the food was out of this world good. We actually got to see them pull the pig out of the ground after it had been cooking all day in a hole. The pig was so tender and juicy. The music was great too. I can say from experience though that the famous drink in Hawaii was absolutely disgusting!!!! All the other drinks we amazing though:)

Day two I woke up and I was in excruciating pain! I ended up in the urgent care on my honeymoon! I had the worst UTI I had ever had in my life!!! The explanation of why I got that will come later:)

I got some strong antibiotics and within a few hours I was feeling better! I felt sooo bad for this happening....ON OUR HONEYMOON:( For most of the day we took it easy so I could feel better. We ate at an awesome burger place for lunch. That evening we took a ride on a submarine. We went do to the depths of ocean, about a 100ft down. We learned so much on that little tour. One thing that was really cool was that once you get down to about 60ft. the natural color red can't be seen anymore, so the red polish on my nails looked black. We saw turtles, sharks, lots of fish, reefs, all man made, but still really neat. It is an experience that I will never forget for sure!

By day three I was much better. Our agenda that day was to go to Pearl Harbor. If you ever go to Hawaii you have to go. It is the most humbling experience. We were able to meet a man that was on Pearl Harbor the day of the attack. I think he was 17 years old at the time.

It was amazing to see parts of the USS Arizona still above water and the amount of oil that still comes out of the ship. Walking onto the memorial definitely makes you thankful for what you have and for the men and women who gave their lives on that unforgettable day! All the names on the wall just broke my heart.

We also were able to tour the USS Missouri and it was an experience too. We were able to see the dent that a kamikaze left in the side of the ship. That is also the ship that the Japanese surrendered on, to end World War 2. I've never been a history person but I really did enjoy learning it. I think that if I had learned everything that way in school I would have retained it much better!lol I have always been a more visual person!;)

We toured a museum, saw the air fields that were attacked. All the hangers still have all the bullet holes and everything. We also saw the tower and stuff that has been left exactly how it was that day. It was also used in the movie "Pearl Harbor".

Day four was a day planned to learn about the Polynesian cultures. Our first stop was the Dole Plantation. On the way there the tour guide kept talking about a dole whip. So when we got there he asked a trivia question and Tom got the answer right so he won a dole whip!!! Let me tell you, IT IS AMAZING!!!!!! It has no milk in it but it has that creamy pineapple ice cream flavor but yet so light. We wish we could get our hands on one again in the worst way!


Our next stop was the Polynesian culture center. We were able to see how all the different cultures live and how they are uniquely different. We watched a guy climb a palm tree half naked and bare foot using just his hands and feet! Saw lots of dances and many different clothing styles. All in all a really neat experience.


We then went to see waterfalls and Hawaii's beauty. We saw the only palace in the USA and a smaller version of a temple that is in Japan.


Day five we had to get up extra early. We hopped on another tour bus and made our way to the airport. We got on a little plane and flew to the Big Island where all the volcanoes are. Unfortunately the sulfur was so bad that day it was hard to see stuff and there were certain areas we couldn't go because of it. It was still amazing! We went to the museum they have and learned so much about the volcanoes. We took a tour through the rain forest area and went through a tunnel called a lava tube. We went to the black sand beaches. I have to say that was probably the most awesome thing I saw.


When we got back that evening we were so exhausted but wanted to shop a little so we walked through some shops.....Oh! And had to buy both of us some new sunglasses because we think we left them on the little plane! Yeah, I had just bought him a new pair of expensive glasses for Christmas and we lost them! Luckily we were able to find the same pair in a store so we replaced them!lol After shopping we went to a restaurant and got food to go and just took it back to the room. Of course that night was the night that they had a big celebration because the Pro Bowl was that weekend so we had such a hard time going to sleep.



Day six we kept free for ourselves to just relax. We slept in and spent most of the afternoon at the beach. That evening we went to this really nice seafood restaurant and I had the best mahi mahi I had ever had and of course Tom had steak!!!hehehe



Day seven was time for us to head home:( Our flight didn't leave til that evening so we did a little last minute sight seeing. We were definitely sad to leave but look forward to going again!! Actually we can't wait!!!! We talk about it daily:)



We have so many wonderful memories that we will never forget!



Stay tuned for what came only a month later................................

Part 15 "The Wedding"

Planning a wedding can obviously be very stressful but this was my second one and it seemed soooo much easier and less hectic.


First thing we did was get the church nailed down and find a reception site.


Now just keep in mind that I was doing this from California and the wedding was going to be in Ohio......Some thought I was crazy, but I like to call it LOVE!!!!


I had been to the church a few times, considering it was Tom's home church, so I knew it was going to be nice. The reception site on the other hand i had not seen but my soon to be mom-in-law had and she said it was beautiful. I completely trusted her judgement and the price was good so I said lets take it!


I think in one day I bought like a gazillion bridal magazines!!!!! (just had to throw that in there!!!!)


I found my dress,the bride's maid's dresses, and flower girl's dress right away and started picking our my flowers.


The flowers weren't hard to decide because our colors were red, black, and white. My mil suggested the florist that they had always gone through and so of course I agreed on them.


All the little details were coming together and I was getting even more excited by the minute!


My mil went to a bridal expo and found a bakery and DJ that we could go through. She was so sweet and offered to pay for whatever kind of wedding cake we wanted. I just love her sooo much:)


So in December of 07 I went to Ohio for about a week to finalize a lot things and while I was there my mil and sil threw a shower for me. All the family came and some close friends of the family. I was able to meet more of the family and it was just great.


A couple weeks later both Tom and I flew back to Ohio for Christmas and we were able to take him to see where we were going to have our reception. He loved it just as much as I did the first time I saw it.


After Christmas it was time to work on the center pieces and get them sent off to Ohio. Thank goodness for all the special packing accessories because it is a miracle that everything made it in one piece.


January few by and before I knew it, it was the week before the wedding and I was saying goodbye to my "fiance" to get on a plane and go back to Ohio.


Tom was going to come a few days later because of work.


My parents came a few days later as well.....but without their luggage in hand....the airline LOST all of their stuff!!!!! It took two or three days for them to get everything! IT. WAS. CRAZY.


My mom, mil, and I did the all the party favors and it was really fun. It was the first thing that the three of us were able to do together in all this wedding planning.


The day before the wedding all of us girls went and got pampered. Mani's and pedi's:) It was so relaxing and fun.


That evening the rehearsal went very smoothly and dinner at Famous Dave's was awesome!


Tom and I said our last I LOVE YOU'S that night as fiance's and then we left with the anticipation of seeing each other at the altar.


Him and all the guys went to Dave and Busters and I went back to the hotel with my family.


More family came in later that night and i even had a few family members surprise me and come:)

~~~~~~~

Feb. 2, 2008 had come!!! It was finally here:)

That morning I took a nice long bath to relax and reflect on how I had got to this day that was going to change my life.

I had a hair and makeup appointment for myself and the girls scheduled that morning. The salon had set up the works....They had pastries, orange juice and champagne, coffee, and just great service!

All the girls looked beautiful and the wonderful stylists made me beautiful too.

We headed back to the house to get ready and wait for the photographer to show up. The girls helped me get dressed and do the finishing touches.

Photographer and limo driver showed up at the same time so we quickly took some pics inside the house and a few outside ones as well. We all jumped into limo and headed to the church.

In the limo was a bottle of champagne, so we thought we should open it and have a sip or two.....Well to our surprise when we picked it up...IT. WAS. EMPTY.!!!!!!!!!!!

The guys had been picked up first and taken to the church and they downed it and didn't leave any for us!! How rude!!!lol

We made it to the church and snuck me in the back so Tom couldn't see me:) I sat in the back room anxiously waiting to see my groom. The flowers showed up and they were just beautiful.

A beautiful bouquet of red roses with one white rose in the middle for me to hold, and a bouquet of white roses with one red rose in the middle for all my girls to hold.

I could here people talking, laughing, and having little reunions.

Finally the coordinator came back and told us it was time!

The music started to play and the girls walked down the aisle, then the little ring bear walked down the aisle shooting people because apparently, I asked Super Spy to be in my wedding and my cute little flower girl followed giving funny looks to people. I have found that children are really the main attraction in a wedding, not the bride or groom!!!!

Then the music stopped.......It was finally my turn.....what i had been waiting seven months for had finally come.

I walked up the stairs and came around the corner and I saw my groom dressed in his dress blues waiting for me at front....

Everyone stood to their feet and watched as I walked past with my arm wrapped around my daddy's.

Smiles and tears filled the room. It was a very bittersweet moment for both families.

For mine it was because this finalized the first chapter of my life and now I was starting a new chapter and for his it was that his father was not there in person to see his oldest son make one of the most life changing decisions he will ever make.

We stopped at the altar and the pastor said a few words and then asked who was giving me away. My daddy handed me off to my love and with vows said softly through tears and prayers recited we were made one. We sealed it with a kiss and became Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Frounfelker.

After the ceremony many pictures were taken and then we invited all of our guests to make their way to the reception and we would join them shortly.

The photographer took us to a few locations to take a few more pictures and it was so fun.

It felt so surreal that this was really happening to us.

The limo driver dropped us off at the reception and all our guests were waiting patiently for us.

When I walked into the banquet room I was just in awe. It was so beautiful. Exactly what I imagined and had put together. The room was dim with huge chandeliers with crystals on them, the tables were placed perfectly with shiny red table clothes and the chairs had white covers with black sashes on them, the center pieces were a ball of red roses raised in a black flower pot(if that even makes sense), it sat on a glass mirror with rose pedals placed delicately on/around it and then a few candles to set the mood. And of course the cute little party favors which were black boxes with red bows on them and we put m&m's with our names and wedding date on them, and a few other valentine candies inside. The coordinators did such a wonderful job.

We toasted to our life together....They brought our food out....MMM...The food was soooo good. They even made a special plate just for Tom because I knew he wouldn't like everything on the menu. He is so spoiled!!!!

I danced with my daddy and then my husband stepped in and we had our first dance as husband and wife.

Everyone danced and seemed to have a great time. We did the bouquet and garter toss and then we did the cake.

It was a three tier square cake with butter cream frosting. Red ribbon wrapped itself around every tier and at the top was a bride and her marine.

It tasted amazing but I only got ONE bite!!!!!!!

Once the party died down we family and some close friends headed to my in laws house. We opened our gifts(as quickly as we could hint hint). Everyone was so generous and gave us such nice things.

Finally we said our goodbyes and headed to the hotel. It was already past midnight and we had to get up at 4am to catch our plane!!!!! Needless to say we didn't get much sleep:)

The next day we were headed to the closest place to heaven........

Part 14

Sorry it has been a while.......

Our road trip back to California was full of scenery and lots of conversations.

Conversations about the future, about the present, about dreams and aspirations, and you know about the stupid driver driving to slow in the fast lane!!!lol

Then religion came up in conversation through the topic of Noah and the Ark. We were driving through good ole Texas.....

We started talking about the animals and such then we would start talking about something else and so on an so forth.

We both started to realize that our stories weren't matching. The difference was that i had the Bible to back me up and he didn't.

He was raised Lutheran and was taught a little different then I was.

He realized that he didn't understand a lot of what I was talking about and was really unsure of a lot things. He wanted answers and was completely open to hearing them from me.

I was able to tell him Bible verses that I knew that backed up everything I was saying.

It definitely was amazing what God was doing on our little road trip.

When we got back to Cali he decided that he wanted to talk to pastor and get some of his questions answered.

Sunday came and we talked to pastor....Tom's life was changed that day....He got the assurance of his salvation and decided he wanted to get baptized "again".
A few weeks later we was biblically baptized and his life hasn't been the same since.

~~~~~~

Once coming back home we started making it "normal" again.

I had taken a month off of school to be with him so it was time to go back, and he started back to work.

May and June went by and July was here. We went up to Big Bear, Ca. for the 4th of July with my family and stayed in an awesome cabin that a family friend let us borrow.

My mom and I thought that this would be the weekend that he would propose but it never happened.:(

We came back home and still nothing......

But....on July 9th, 2007 something was different.

When he came home from work that afternoon he had flowers for me(very out of the blue) and he told me I wasn't to make dinner or even help him in the kitchen(again very out of the blue)!!!!

He made steak, baked potatoes, and green beans and a salad. He served me and everything!!!!

We ate and talked about our days.. but something was off. He seemed really nervous, just not himself.

So me being the "talker" that I am I wouldn't shut up!!! Finally he caught me in between sentences and started telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me forever:) I know how romantic right?!

Then he got on one knee and put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a beautiful diamond ring. He took my hand and asked me to be his wife:) It was so exciting I was even shaking!

Of course right away we had to tell our parents so we got in the car and on our way to my parents house we called his mom to tell her the exciting news. She was thrilled for us and so excited.

We told my parents moments later and showed off my gorgeous ring:)

Everyone was so happy for us.

We immediately chose a date and started planning. We wanted to get married in Ohio and I wanted it in the winter, partly for the scenery and also because I didn't want a long engagement!!! They are so overrated!!!Lol

I can't tell how excited I was to start planning our big day!!!! I had been saving up and iI knew exactly what I wanted and I didn't care what I had to pay....well I kind of cared but I knew I could splurge a little bit:)


So a little under seven months is what I had to plan this amazing wedding............

An urgent hault!

I'm going to take a few minutes away from my story because I need to write about "today" instead of "yesterday" RIGHT NOW!!!!

Over that past five years I have learned that know matter what happens to you in life, life still goes on. It doesn't stop. Not for you, not for me, not for anyone.

Well lately I have been having a hard time dealing with that.

Lots of changes have been happening in just my life recently that I am dealing with but furthermore changes in the people around me have been having an affect on me.

Before I go on you all must know how blessed I am to have the family God has given me and that I DO know how much I am loved and how special I am.

Through my story you have all learned of things I have gone through and you have all been so gracious about it.

When I lost my husband almost five years ago there was also a family who lost their son. The pain they must have gone through and still do I hope I will never have to understand.

That family over the last five years have gone through their own set of trials and have pulled through the best way they knew how. They have moved forward in their lives and have kept on living.

Because of the distance, hurt, and pain that is still there I have not been a part of that moving forward.

Mostly my choice but not in every case.

If none of this makes sense I do apology but I am just letting my fingers go to town with whatever is going on in this brain of mine....I know scary!!!!

In the recent months my brother-in-law, who is now all grown up and is very hard for me to comprehend because the last time I saw him he was still a teenager, is now courting a young woman who he originally met because of mine and Matt's wedding.

I know this all sounds wonderful and it is....

But I don't get to be a part of it!!!

The families are meeting for the "second" time this weekend and the two people responsible for this (excluding the Lord of course, who is ultimately the one responsible) won't be there.

I'm so happy for the cute little couple but I'm also very jealous.

Jealous because I'm not included in this, jealous because Matt can't be there, jealous because I feel like my place is being taken.

I know these feeling are absurd but this is how I feel at this moment.

My husband encouraged me to write about this to help get it out of my heart because it is breaking right now.

I just want to be happy and feel happy for them too.....

They get to move forward and bring new people into the family and I get to see it happen.

I feel like a part of me is dead and only they can give it life.

Being with them though is too hard because then I will realize once again what I lost and that is to painful to bear.

I have tears streaming down my face at this very minute because I hurt so bad.

So please anyone that reads this please pray for me as I face this mountain that I am climbing.

With all of that we are in November, the hardest month of the year for me.

This is the month that Matt and I did everything together. Thanksgiving was the only holiday we shared together and I just have so many happy memories with him during this month.

Thank you all for listening as I continue to give you my heart.

Part 13

I saw HIM!!!!!!!!!





Dressed in his Cami's with a pack on his back.





Our eyes met and we literally pushed our way through the crowded field to get to each other.





I jumped into his strong arms and held onto him so tightly. The feeling i felt at that moment is one i will never forget. We held each other so close and kissed each other so gently. To feel his lips against mine made our love feel so real again.





Once i got my moment with him, he grabbed his mom and held her close. She cried such happy tears knowing her son was safe again on American soil. He also gave his brother a "brotherly" hug and then greeted my family as well with hugs and smiles.





We were all so happy to have him back.....





We packed up his things and drove back to my house. He was able to shower and put on "civilian" clothes. If you have never been in the military then you will never understand what a luxury it is to wear something other than a uniform.





Once he was ready we all went to dinner. It was so nice to sit around a table with both of our families for the first time and see how we all just fit perfectly! Our families got along great and we were just so comfortable with each other.





By the end of the night everyone was so exhausted from all the excitement. After his family went to bed we just sat on the couch and cuddled for awhile. To finally talk to him face to face after not being able to for 7 months felt like seeing each other for the first time all over again. The little things you take for granted when you have then everyday are the things that military spouses hold dear to their hearts every second they have with their beloved. Holding hands, a warm hug, and smile from across the room to let you know that your the only one they see, a sweet kiss on the cheek, the soft words spoken....I LOVE YOU, and the list goes on. Those are all the things i was holding dear that night.





*~~*





The next morning we had to take his mom and brother back to the airport. Their plane left out of San Diego so we decided since we would already be down there we would make a trip out of it. So we booked a hotel room and made some plans. We went to Seaport Village for the day, out to dinner and the next morning to a quaint little breakfast spot in Little Italy and lots of shopping too!





We came back home to reality and he had to go back to work.





After they go on a deployment they have to go through some classes and make sure they are "ok".



Once he did all of that it was time for a nice vacation for the two of us.





We bought plane tickets to Ohio and he couldn't wait to show me around where he came from.





He is a total city boy and I'm small town girl with the city stuck inside of me so i couldn't wait either!!!!





We boarded the plane and were both very anxious and excited to get to our destination.





We landed in Cleveland, Ohio with our carry-ons in hand waiting for them to allow us to get off the plane.





Little did we know that his whole family was waiting for us at the gate! Yes, the gate! We didn't even know you could do that anymore. But we found out that at certain airports they allow you to wait at the gate if you are awaiting the arrival of military personnel.





They had signs and American flags and were dressed in red, white, and blue. It was so special. People in the airport stopped just to see what was going on and when they realized there was hero standing there they shook his hand and thanked him for his service. One man came up to him in tears thanking him. It was definitely a humbling experience and just plain awesome!





Our two weeks there were great. I think i got to meet almost all of his family. He took me to all the neat neighborhoods, he took me to downtown Cleveland, we went to Cedar Point which is one of the coolest amusement parks, lots of shopping took place and eating at lots of good restaurants too. We also traded in his car for a car we both wanted so bad.





With that new car came a road trip because why would we want to leave it back in Ohio!lol





That road trip changed our life forever....

Part 12

It was the night before the "event" I was dreading.........



He would be gone for seven months to a war zone. That night we went to dinner at my parents house. My mom made a nice dinner and we had Tom's favorite dessert, angel food cake, strawberries, and ice cream. We visited for a while and had a great time.



We went back to my house and spent the rest of the evening together just the two of us. It was our last night together and we wanted to be selfish and it just be us. I had given him a little gift which was a Bible I had engraved with his name on and I could tell he just loved it.



As I told him good night I laid there and cried. I wanted to be so strong for him and for me but I was breaking inside.



I had just found love again and now I had to let go. I didn't want to....



Part of me wanted to just say goodbye so it would be easier but I loved him too much and knew that would just kill him.



To say having faith in God at that moment was a little hard is a total understatement. It. Was. Really. Hard.



I knew this situation was completely out of my control and I couldn't protect him or keep him safe and that made me that much more vulnerable. I didn't have control of the last man that was ripped away from me, and what if it happened again? Difference this time was that I was choosing to take the chance.



Most people thought I was crazy but something deep down told me everything would be ok. I held onto that like I had never held onto anything.





4:00AM came way to quick that next morning. I watched him pack the last few items in his seabag and I put some sweat pants on and one of his shirts and a USMC sweatshirt. We drove all the way to the Marine base hand in hand not wanting to ever let go. My sister and brother went with us so I wouldn't be alone and so he had some support.



He was supposed to board the bus at like 6:30 that morning but if you know the Marine Corps than you know that didn't happen!!!!!



He would leave me here and there once to get his rifle and a few times for formations. Everytime I prepared myself for that to be it.



Finally at about 8:30AM it was time to really say goodbye. The moment we both were procrastinating. He held me so tight and I sunk into his chest. I didn't want to let go of him. We stared into each others eyes trying to make a lasting memory of each others faces. We kissed and hugged some more.



Then I let go........Not knowing if I would ever be held again by that wonderful man's arms.



He boarded the bus and I watched as he sat in his seat. He waved at me til I couldn't see him anymore. The tears just streamed down my face. My heart was breaking I didn't know if he would be back to put it back together.



He called me from someone's phone on our drive home. You would have thought I hadn't talked to him in days!!!!lol



When I got home I got ready, it literally took me like an hour just to shower. I would be fine and then I would think of him or see something of his and I would fall apart all over again.



Once I finally finished getting ready my sister and I headed to school.



A month prior we started cosmetology school together. I wanted to go so bad and figured this would be a perfect time to go since he was going to be gone. I needed something to keep me busy and preoccupied.



He called me again later that day. I think he was Hungary. His plane had caught on fire so they were stuck there for a day or so. The next day I received a dozen beautiful red roses. I think someone loved me or something.



Once he made it to Iraq I got a phone call. In the beginning the phone calls were spuratic. when he finally got settled I received a phone call almost everyday.



He and I are quite old-fashioned and wanted to do the whole snail mail thing. I wrote him a letter everyday and he wrote as often as he could. I didn't just write a letter I actually put stickers all over it and did special ones for every holiday, I sprayed it with my perfume that was his favorite, I put a kiss at the end and just tried to make it as special as possible.



It's kind of funny.....Everyone always knew when the mail arrived cause they could all smell it. Even their letters smelled good because of his.



That seven months were long yet short. He called almost everyday unless he was on a mission, then I wouldn't hear from anywhere from 3 to 7 days. Yes I know I was very lucky!!!!!



I talked to his mom once a week to stay in touch and keep each other updated on him. I actually met his family for the first time while he was deployed. I flew out there all alone for a few days. We hit it off right away and we all got along wonderfully. They were all so sweet and accepting.



I never got used to him being gone but life did form a new routine. It didn't make it any easier but I was living.



He missed thanksgiving, the one year anniversary of Matt's death, christmas, new year's, my birthday, valentine's day, and easter. All of those days were exceptionally hard but my family and the Lord got me through them.



The last month before he came home felt like a turtle moving across the street. I thought the day would never come.

The few weeks before his homecoming date changed a zillion and one times....His poor mom had to change planes tickets so many times and had to PAY for it!!!!!

The house was in tip top shape everything in its place and sparkly clean. I picked up his family from the airport and they stayed with me for a few days before he came home.

On that Sunday, his homecoming, we went to church and had a great lunch at my parents. That afternoon just dragged along. I finally got the phone call i had been anticipating for forever. He called and said they had just landed at March Airforce Base and would be boarding the buses soon and be making there way to 29 Palms Marine Base. That was at about 4PM. So we packed ourselves up in the cars and headed out for our 30 min. drive to the base.

We pulled up to victory field and there were already lots of families there awaiting the arrival of their loved ones. I had the biggest not in my stomach because I was so excited/nervous to see my prince charming in combat boots.

Thinking it wasn't going to be that long before he got there we didn't bring chairs or anything so we either had to stand the whole time or sit in dirt that was supposed to be a grassy field!!!!

I got another phone call when they were just entering the base so we all started to get really excited. Then we found out they had to drop of their rifles so it would be yet another hour! We actually saw there bus go right past us and it was like a child seeing disneyland but not being able to go.

Finally they DJ that was keeping everyone informed said they were on their way over to the field.

It was time.....Time to see the man of my dreams........

The buses pulled up, all three of them. Hundreds of people waiting. The doors opened to the buses and they started to poor out.

Lots of men wearing camis with their covers on and backpacks on their backs.......How was I ever going to find him????!!!!!!

Then........I.........Saw............stayed tuned...........

Part 11

Sorry I've been gone for soooo long!!! Life has been happening right in front of my eyes lately!







So.....Where were we????







That's right!







I was about to get into the special part of my story........





He left that evening with the guys to get ready for the start of a new week. The next day I couldn't stop thinking about him. I still had my concerns but I something kept drawing me towards him. I decided to text him to see how his day was going and to see if he was bored. He was a marine stuck in the barracks.....of course he was bored!lol





So I left it open for him to ask me out if he wanted to. He did and Aug. 25, 2006 was our very first date. He took me to a little Italian restaurant in town and it was great! We talked about everything. All of the things I was unsure of we figured out expect one! He decided to confuse me with feelings he might have still had for his ex-girlfriend. He told me that he would have to figure them out when he went home on leave. So now he wanted to play hard to get!! Game on! I know all about that game so it was on.





The week went on and we talked almost everyday and hung out a couple more times. That Friday he left for pre-deployment leave and I had no clue where that left us. I figured we would go back to being friends and I find someone else.





I promised I would call him every hour to keep him from falling asleep and every conversation he would bring up the "ex". It really started to bother me and by that night I was in tears with our best friend Matt over it. He finally told me I needed to just tell him how I felt and be completely honest with him.





So the next hour came around and I called him. He could tell something was bothering me and I told him that I was worried he was going to get back together with his ex-girlfriend. He reassured me that wasn't going to happen because he liked me sooo much and wanted to be with me and only me! I was so thrilled I couldn't bare it. I had the biggest smile on my face and I could hear it in his voice that he had one too.



He was going to be home for about two weeks......He told his mom all about me.....We talked every day and were just in our own little world..........I think we totally forgot that we was going to be leaving to go the sand box.



At just about our two week point we were on the phone saying sweet nothings to each when he kind of paused.....I could tell he wanted to say something but he was holding back. He said he really didn't want to do this over the phone but he couldn't hold back any longer.



I swallowed really hard and my heart started to race.....



"I love you"......Were the words I heard on the other end of phone!!!!!



"I love you too".....I was so thrilled he finally said them because I was dying to say the same thing but I promised myself I would never say it first.



He came back a few days later and I picked him up at the airport where he greeted me with our first kiss. It was so sweet. Very gentle.



Now the timer was started. We had about three weeks together before he left me for 7 months.



Those weeks were so special and we took advantage of every moment we had together. We spent our evenings watching movies and talking for hours and our weekends were spent going to the mall or at the beach. I couldn't believe I was actually "in love" again! It was so amazing.



I tried not to think about the upcoming event because my heart literally would stop. I couldn't imagine losing another man.



His date had changed two or three times in the last week before he left. On one hand it was relieving because I knew that meant I had more time but on the other hand it just meant I had to completely prepare myself all over again.



You would think only being together for one month it would be no biggie but for us we had already talked about "our" wedding and a life together after this "event". We had already committed ourselves to each other for life.



It was the night before and I just didn't know if I could do it.............

Part 10

They made it to the hospital and his dad was saved.......But life would never be the same.

The next six months would definitely be a journey. His dad was moved to a rehabilitation hospital in Cleveland and under went lots of tests. The result of the accident left him paralyzed from the neck down.

He eventually came home and life continued, but in a new way. Tom was now "the man of the house" doing all the manly duties which meant he had to grow up real fast!! Being only 15 that was quite a job. It definitely brought his family closer together. I really look up to his mom for taking such good care of the man she loved.

Tom's dad lived for five years after the accident and made the most of his life with his family. The last year of his life he was in and out of the hospital and eventually had to be put in a nursing home. His body tried so hard to be strong but in the end couldn't hold on any longer.

On Feb. 10, 2005 he was visited by all his family and was very talkative and seemed to be a good mood. As the day went on he went from being fine to not doing well at all. Tom and his brother were told to come back to the nursing home as soon as they could get there so they could spend the last moments with their father. Things were really not looking good at all but he held on just in time to see Tom one last time. Tom was able to say his goodbyes and tell his dad how much he loved him and then watched him drift on into eternity.

As Tom told me his story you could hear the pain in his voice and see it in his eyes. You could tell how much he loved his dad and wished he could have just one more conversation with him. It pains me to know I will never have the privilege to meet the man that made Tom who he is. I know we would get along so well....at least that's what Tom tells me!!!!!

After such a serious conversation we went to much lighter topics as to what we wanted our futures to look like and how he felt about his upcoming deployment. He was so excited and just couldn't wait to go.

Eventually Vanessa went to bed, Richie and Tom fell asleep in the living room and Matt and I stayed up talking outside the rest of the night and into the morning!!! It was nice to just talk with someone and not worrying about being judged!

They left that next morning with the plan of getting together soon. A couple weeks later we decided to take a beach trip so we packed up the car and headed to the great pacific! We had a great time and just goofing off. Definitely made lots of memories.

Another couple weeks had gone by and Tom's bday was approaching.

Let me clarify that we are just friends as of right now!!!!

With that said I did like him but in some of our past conversations I had found things out that didn't match me or my beliefs so even though I knew I could have feelings for him I held myself back because of those things. To be quite honest I was just scared because I knew he could be the real deal! So I decided to just keep talking to this other guy that was nothing but a jerk!

Back to Tom's birthday. Since he was going to be leaving for Iraq soon we wanted to make his birthday as memorable as possible. So we planned a fun weekend at Six Flags. And let me tell you....It. Was. Fun.

Little did I know Tom also had a crush on me! Come to find out(for me a few years later) during that day with my cell phone being in Tom's pocket, that "other" guy that I had been talking kept calling me all day and Tom was pressing the ignore button every time!!! Can you believe that??!!! I can;)

After a great day we all headed back to the hotel to just relax. All of us were just hanging out and having a good time and Matt decided he HAD to have a cigarette!! EWW!!! So I told him I would keep him company so he didn't have to be alone. As we sat outside he started asking me if I liked Tom and I replied that I thought he was a great guy but I didn't like him like that. Then he told me that Tom liked me and I was leading him on!! I had no idea how!!!!!!!!!!!lol So I asked Matt to let him know that I just wanted to be friends.

The next day we headed back home and I had a surprise waiting for him. His favorite cake is a Dairy Queen icecream cake so I searched everywhere within 50 miles and finally found one. When we got to the house we sang happy birthday to him and ate some cake.

As I sat on the couch next to him and ate my cake I started to realize that I really did like this guy I just didn't know if that was enough..............

Part 9

.............Ok so now where do I pick up..........................



I guess the next event that happened during that whole "season" of my life was meeting the man who would one day be husband.



July of 2006 I met him.....Thomas James Frounfelker.



Before I even begin I want everyone to know that WE DID NOT MEET ON MYSPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



So like I had said before my sister and I had been meeting guys left and right and there had been a few times that myspace had been the route we took. Stupid, ridiculous, immature, ignorant, naive, and any other adjective you can think of.



Well Vanessa (my sister) was again on myspace browsing guys in the area and she found this cute guy that she thought looked nice so she added him as a friend and messaged him. This guy messaged back and so on and so forth. Apparently him and his friends were looking for a place that they could bbq for the 4th of July. So Vanessa told them of a few places and then had the 'great' idea to just invite them over to our house. To be quite honest this guy was super surprised that she did this but he was game. He had the really good idea to meet in a neutral place first to actually meet in person and make sure neither of them were axe murderers or anything like that. Soo she met them at a Denny's nearby and was introduced to the three greatest guys in the entire world! The loud, funny one named Matt, the quiet, smiley one Richie, and the shy, nervous, sit in the corner one TOM.



I had already paid for a hotel room and planned a whole week for myself and my family at the beach so I wasn't going to meet these guys.



They all hit it off so well that she planned to have them over a week later for dinner and so I could meet them.



We made them an awesome meal and then just waited for them to show up....and waited...and waited some more. It was like 9pm before they finally showed up all because of this Tom guy.

Dinner was finally eaten and we all just hung out around the table and talked. The guys were the nicest guys I had ever met. They were so funny and just really genuine. One had already been to Iraq, one was trying to go, and the other one was on his way in just a couple months, hence why they were so late!!!! Training, training, and more training.

In that evening we learned so much about these guys. I really found myself interested in the really shy one that wouldn't look you in the eye because he would then blush!!!!! Hehe

For some reason he was really interested in the Bible that was sitting on the table. I learned he was Lutheran and never really had a Bible like that. In talking about religion I also learned of the traumatic experience that brought him to that point in his life.

Before i go on I have to share something that I might have already mentioned in another post but I can't exactly remember!!!

After Matt died my best friend and I had prayed a prayer that to some people might seem a little weird. We prayed that if the Lord had another man for me in the future that he would have either been through the same kind of situation or something traumatic that we would be able to relate to. Kind of morbid I know but that was my prayer. In my mind I didn't think I could just be with a "normal" kind of guy that had never experienced some kind of loss or experience that would have changed him and his life.

Oh so you would like to know what I learned that night??? Well let me tell you!!!!!

He talked about his childhood and how he grew up. He talked about his siblings and his mom. Then his came his dad. A man I will never meet, converse with, call dad, joke with, get teased by, a man that will never be called grandpa by my daughter, a man we will see on a very special day!!!!!

*~~*


It was a normal week day in which normal tasks were taking place. Him and his dad had been remodeling the house for some time now and his dad decided today was a good day to paint an area that they had built. His mom was preparing dinner as usual, his brother was doing little boy things, and Tom had just got home from wrestling practice.

His dad had a history of having seizures. They believe something in the paint triggered one that day. He started have a seizure which then made him lose control of himself and he fell, if I'm not mistaken about 10ft. of the ground into a glass table. The table shattered and there were screams coming from the kitchen. Tom came running down the stairs to find his dad lying on the floor amongst glass and a huge pool of blood. His little brother went into shock and stood in a corner, his mom was just hysterical as you can imagine. She called 911 and Tom kept telling her to just stand back and calm down. Tom attended to his dad. He of course was unconscious but Tom just kept telling him everything was going to be ok and to hold on just a few more minutes. He did everything he could to stop the blood with his hands. He held his dads head together, literally. He was so calm and collected. The paramedics got there within minutes and loaded him up in the ambulance.

......................Stay tuned for more.................................

Part 8

I quickly settled into my new home with my sister. My wonderful sister decided to move in with me so I would have a companion and boy am I thankful she did.



We had so much fun together. We would go shopping together, dinners out, bowling, movies, and the list goes on.



We definitely have some memories bowling!!!! The first time we went bowling together we went on base and in our minds we were just gonna bowl the two of us with no distractions.....Well if you have ever been on a Marine base you know otherwise!!!! So we bowled and had fun for a while but then these guys decided they needed to bowl right next to us......That night I had my first kiss since Matt and I hated myself the whole time!



This is when my life took a turn. Just one kiss changed everything.



I never saw that guy again or talked to him. A few weeks later I met another guy in "Applebees". This time I tried to hide my wedding ring. (How awful of me) Eventually the ring came off.



We started talking and he seemed nice.



A week later my sister and I decided to take a spur of the moment trip to Texas to see Matt's best friend. I was so excited to see him!!! I hadn't seen him since that awful day. So in like think 13hrs. we got to Texas.




What was supposed to be an amazing week long trip turned into only a few days because of "this new guy". I started to realize he was a bit controlling and he told me I couldn't go out while I was there and told me I should come home early because I shouldn't be there.



Well the stupid broken girl that I was listened to him. Why??? I just wanted to be loved so if that meant doing what some stranger told me to do than I guess I was going to do it.



I came back home just in time to do Easter at my new house with all my family. I was really excited to host my family function.




I invited that "guy" because I wanted everyone to meet this person that I thought was just perfect! *gag me*




He ended up coming and literally staying for 5 minutes. He said it just didn't feel right being with my family since I was married and he figured they were judging him. Whatever!!!!!!!



But again I just wanted to be loved so I stuck it out with the guy a little bit longer. He would never let me talk about Matt because it freaked him out that I was married and apparently was a turn off!



Trying to date was next to impossible because as soon as I would tell a guy I was a widow, they would freeze up and then I wouldn't hear from them or they would tell me they didn't want anything serious just "friends with benefits"!!!!




End of April I went to Kentucky to see my "brother" and meet his parents. I also went to go to Thunder over Louisville because Matt had always told me how awesome it was and we had planned to go that year. You can imagine how excited I was.




As soon as I saw him in the airport I just ran into his arms. I needed to feel the love and strength from the only "big brother" I had ever had. He had also brought his girlfriend who is now his wife and it was really nice to meet her.




Every day I was there was so fun but the nights were the worst because that "guy" was telling me I shouldn't be there and telling me everything I should be doing.




We went to Thunder over Louisville and it was amazing! I have never seen so many fireworks in my life. I cried the entire time! I could actually feel the boom in my chest. I felt like Matt was standing right next to me the whole time just as we planned. It was a happy and sad moment all in one and my brother's girlfriend was the sweetest person because she just held me in her arms the whole time and let me cry.




After that amazing trip I came back to reality and also finally realized what an idiot I was for keeping this guy around. I told him that I wasn't the type of girl that would conform to what he wanted and I wouldn't be controlled or told what to do. I told him I wasn't the person for him and we should go our separate ways, which was pretty easy considering he had just moved back to his home town in another state.




It wasn't long before there was another guy. I made the biggest mistake with that one and to this day wish I could take it back. That one choice had a domino effect!




I had become so bitter toward God and anything that was associated to it that I went the completely other direction. I didn't want to go to church anymore but I did every once in awhile to make my mom happy. It was hard to be around my best friend because her life seemed perfect and she always brought God into the conversations and I just didn't want to hear it anymore.




Within five months I had become my worst nightmare. The only way I can explain it is that my head and my heart disconnected. I didn't care, I didn't think about the consequences. I gave myself to guys in ways I can never get back, I had become the highlight of conversation in certain areas, I had my phone number being past around barracks without my knowledge, and along the way brought my sister down with me. You have NO idea how horrible I feel about that every day because I could have saved her from so much if I was the sister I should have been. Instead she was put through situations where she had to be like a mother to me. There were nights I was so wasted that she or some guy had to carry me to the car and on the way home she would have to force me to eat something to absorb everything in my body. I can say that I never did try a drug in all those months but alcohol had become my best friend. It numbed my body and my feelings.




Am I proud of any of this? Absolutely not! Was any of it right? In no way was it. Was I hurting? YES!!!!!!!!!!!! Was I trying to fill a void? You better believe it!


I was trying to find something to fill that hole in my chest and instead I filled it with scar after scar. I think one of the worst scars I have is someone "having" me without my consent. It was very scary and has affected me for life. Honestly I am very lucky to just be alive but more than that I'm lucky I have no diseases or children out of the foolishness I engaged in. God is a loving, gracious God and He spared from so much pain. The scars will be there forever and no matter how hard I try to forget everything I have done it is all still there. I wish so badly I could take it all back but I know that everything that has happened had brought me to where I am today.




~**********~






My Lord has forgiven me for hurt I have caused Him and if anyone that had any hurt through this I pray you will forgive me as well. It is very hard to open up about the horrible things you do it life and I have buried it all so deep down that talking about this opens those wounds all over again. If anyone has been offended in reading this part of my journey I apologize but its life, its my life and if I'm going to write the whole journey I can't leave out any part of it.






...........................................Part 9 is up next.........................................

Part 7

We boarded the plane and headed for California. There were so many couples on that plane and in the airports all so happy and excited to get to their destinations for the holidays. I was so jealous.....


We landed and got off the plane. As I walked out of terminal I was so nervous because I knew there were going to be family and friends waiting at the gate to greet us. I knew this meant it would make everything real for my family and that made it that much harder for me.


Everyone greeted us with smiles and tears. We hugged and cried and headed home.


The next person I had to face was my daddy! He wasn't able to be with me because someone had to hold down the fort and try to keep things normal but he ended up getting sick because of all the stress so that left my sister to do everything!


When I walked through the door he just hugged me and didn't want to let go. It was so nice to feel his arms around me;)


The next day I had to face everyone at church which was torture but I went because my mom asked me to go. Luckily after the service we able to hide out in the pastor's office so I wasn't bombarded with people and questions.


The next week was Christmas. It was the worst Christmas written in history....well at least my history book! I not only had to open gifts given to me but I also had to open gifts that were for Matt or for the both of us. I did try to make the best of it for my family.


After new years my parents went on a cruise that they had planned months before and I encouraged them to still go and enjoy themselves. Everyone couldn't stop their lives just because mine did, right?!


Once February came around I decided it was time for me to go back to the place I once called home. At least for a couple months to get things in order and spend some time with Matt's family.


So right before my 20th birthday I left all my stability and went back to "my home". My Granny flew back with me so I wouldn't have to do it alone.



My in-laws picked us up at the airport and it was really nice to see them.



The plan was to take us to my house but when we pulled up in the driveway the first thing I saw was his truck.....I immediately started crying hysterically. My first thought was that he was home but of course he wasn't. I didn't even want to get out of the car. So we ended up going to my in-laws house and stayed the night there.



The next morning we drove back over to my house and I had to finally face the empty house I was once called my home.



I walked in and it was so cold and quiet. Everything was exactly as how I left it. I was ok until I walked into my bedroom. The room that shared so many special moments. I just lost it and fell on the bed and gripped his pillow. My granny just sat there and comforted me.


My granny only stayed a couple days and then we had to take her back to the airport. After she left I felt all alone again. You may ask why I felt alone when I had my in-laws right down the street......Well the way I grieved wasn't really excepted and I think looking back now I can see that they were just really hurting and took a lot of it out on me. So yes I felt alone with no one to really understand what I was feeling or going through.



However, one of my sister-in-laws did move in with me so I didn't have to be alone at night. On those nights that I couldn't sleep and my sis-in-law had to work, Matt's best friend was great at being there for me and talking to me all night long. I really appreciated it as felt that he actually understood me. That wasn't taken very well either by some of Matt's family because they thought it was inappropriate to be talking to him late at night and because I was still "married". Well I'm here to tell you that those conversations helped me so much and we were just friends.



In the two months I was there my days consisted of shopping, shopping,and more shopping. For me shopping was my "out". It made me feel better for the moment but the feeling would wear off so I would have to do it again. Plus I didn't like being in the house alone during the day so I would go out. There were times when I did stay home and something would come in the mail or I would see a picture or recall a memory and I would just cry and then I would get angry and scream and throw things. I hated feeling that way so I did things to keep my mind off of it. THIS WAS NOT HEALTHY AT ALL. I don't recommend it for anyone dealing with a death or any other type of loss. Grieve however you need to, so if that means throwing things or screaming than do it!



The end of February my sister came out for a visit. I drove to Wichita, Kansas to pick her up and we stayed there for the night. We went out to the club that Matt and I would go to when we were there. It was fun. The next day we drove back to Boonville.



I had been really thinking about moving back home to California so it was really nice to have someone to talk to about it that would see it from my point of view. So I discussed it with my sister and we decided that it would probably be best for me if I move as soon as possible. I asked her if she would be with me when I told my in-laws because I knew it would be hard for them. She agreed to it of course.



On that Sunday evening before church I sat and talked to them. I told them my plans and asked them to please support me. I knew it was going to be hard to except but I needed to do what was best for me. My mother-in-law asked me if she could help pack things and I told her I had already asked my parents to come and help me with that because I knew I couldn't do it and I told her I didn't think it would be a good idea if she was there either because it would just make it harder for both of us. I didn't want to go through his stuff I just wanted to pack it up and not think about it.


Middle of March my parents came in and we(pretty much my mom) packed everything up. My in-laws decided to leave for the weekend and not say goodbye because they said it was to hard.



The u-haul was packed and we were off. We arrived in my home town a few days later. The moment I arrived in California I decided that I was done being sad and crying and just grieving in general. I was going to start a new chapter in my life and forget about my past.


I stayed with my parents for three days and then found a house in town to rent. I moved in right away. A few days later my best friend had her first baby and I was right next to her to welcome him into this world. It was so amazing! I was so happy for her and her husband but I couldn't help but feel jealous and sad. She had everything I wanted. I envied her life.



..........................Next part of the journey.....Well just stay tuned............................

Part 6

NOT a dream!!!!! This is reality. Eyes still swollen....head pounding....weak body.



Today was the viewing. The viewing of my once alive husband.



The day I had to stand before tons of people , some who hardly even knew him, and watch as they cried.

My best friend's husband got in that morning. Honestly I don't know what we would have done without him!!!! He definitely was our stability. It must have been the Marine coming out of him. lol

So we got ready and headed over to my in laws. Almost every family member was there. Everyone hugged and cried. Some laughed in conversation.......How could anyone be laughing at a time like this????????? I kept asking myself.

It was time.....I didn't want to go. Going meant it was real.

I hadn't seen him since the hospital. I was as nervous as I was when he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I walked through those doors feeling so weak. It was so quiet.

I was given the opportunity to go see him alone before everyone got there. I was so scared to walk in there. My mom went in with me and we cried together, we just stared. Noticing how different he looked. It wasn't him. He was gone. He was in a better place and I can't even tell you how evident it was just by looking at him. It was just a body that looked like him.

The funeral director did a really nice job on his makeup and everything but his lips didn't look like his lips anymore. They just looked like wax. He had dark circles under his eyes from having head trauma and his hands...oh his hands. He always had very strong hands, they weren't fat but they were full. Well not that day, not anymore. They were so small that his wedding ring didn't even fit anymore.

Once I was ready my mom left me alone with him. I had written him a letter. I read it to him as if he were really listening. I honestly don't even remember everything I wrote but I know it said things about my love for him and how I missed his touch, his smell, his kiss, and just him! I told him I was trying to be strong but I how weak I felt. When I was done I tucked it in right next to him where no one else would be able to find it. Then I just sat...sat right next to him and waited for him to just move....just a little please!!!! I talked, I cried, I got angry, I laughed, and cried some more.

People started showing up. They all gathered inside. I stood next to his parents up at the front next to the casket. They formed lines to give their condolences.

I felt like a ghost standing there. Barely anyone acknowledged me. It was as if I didn't even exist. All I heard were people telling his parents how sorry they were that they lost their son. Um....HELLO...what about me!!! I lost him too you know. The man that made me whole, the one who protected, loved me, made fun of me. Don't I count?????? I just wanted to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After what felt like hours it was time to go home. Another good friend of mine drove in to see me and be with me. We talked alone for a while and she gave me the news that she was getting a divorce. Just what i needed at a time like this.

I was so exhausted that I actually slept quite well that night.

~~~~~*~~~~~

Today was the funeral. The day it was all going to be over for good. The day I put him in the ground forever.

My best friend did my hair for me. I wanted to look beautiful...for him. I wore the black sweater that he bought me for my only birthday that we celebrated together and a black skirt with red roses on it that was his favorite. I know Christians don't believe you should wear black to a funeral because you should be rejoicing that they are in a better place, but I was NOT rejoicing at all. I didn't want him to be in heaven yet. We were going to go together in our sleep when we got old. So yes I wore black because I was mourning, not happy in any way!

I have to share this because it was so precious. My mom probably won't appreciate it but she will understand. We were all ready to go and my mom came in my room to put her shoes on or something and looked in the mirror and then looked at me with a blank stare. "I can't wear this!!!!" "How awful of me!!!" she said crying. "Why mom?" "What is wrong with what your wearing?" I asked. "It's purple...purple...he hated purple!" "I'm such a horrible person," she added. "Mom it's ok, he won't even care." I tried to reassure her it was ok but she ended up changing. (He really did hate purple though)lol

We drove to the funeral home...again. I was so ready to be done with that place.

When we got there, there were so many people. I didn't know hardly any of them. A lot of people came from the college he had gone to and then there were family friends that I hadn't met yet.

As I walked in the door I was directed to a room that was filled with faces and uniforms that were so familiar and comforting. The room was full of his friends from his duty station. I felt so blessed and special that they all travelled from Kansas to Missouri just for Matt. I thanked each and every one of them personally and we all hugged and cried together.

Now it was time to see the person that I longed to see but also procrastinated seeing because I knew how hard it was going to be.....Matt's best friend. As soon as I saw him I just clung to him with his arms around me. His face was full of sadness and shock. He didn't even want to look at Matt. It was just too hard.

After everyone was seated I took my seat up front where everyone could see me. I cried through the whole thing. It was like an out of body experience.

When it was over they started to excuse everyone and told me I could have one more moment before they closed the casket. They handed me his Bible and his wedding ring then I went up and just stared, I really couldn't believe that this was the last time I was ever going to look at his face or touch his body. And then I just lost it. I started sobbing and I just fell on him and gripped his clothing. I didn't want to let go, i didn't want close this part of my life forever. NO...NO....NO...NO.....please just come back....that's all I could say. I finally collapsed and my best friend's husband was there to catch me. He pretty much carried out of the room. I was just so weak I felt like I could die right there.

They had a limo waiting outside for us. They shut down the roads just for us and we had a police escort. It was very special.

We pulled up to the grave and everyone was already waiting for us. As I got out of the limo it started to snow. It was as if the angels were weeping with us. It snowed from the beginning of the graveside service to the end.

I took my seat inside the tent they had set up for family, and the pastor said a few words and then everyone started to sing his favorite hymn. It was beautiful. The harmony was amazing. They all sang just for him. Then it was time for the military portion. The hardest part for me.

The trumpet played, then they fired their rifles (which I can't even tell how that feels) then they folded his flag. It was the saddest part of the whole thing I think. We all know marines are supposed to be strong and emotionless but not today.....as they folded that flag tears just streamed down their faces. They weren't just folding a flag for anyone it was their friend, their fellow marine, one of their brothers. He handed me the flag just as you see in movies and said words to me that were only meant for he and I to hear. He saluted and then walked back to his post. I held onto that flag with so much pain and love. That was all I had left of my marine. (It now rests in a beautiful case my grandparents had made for me last Christmas.)

It was time to lower him down and let me tell you he put up a fight!!!!lol He was always so stubborn and that day was no different.

Its done....he is laid to rest.

We all left and headed to the church for a "potluck" in which I ate no food. I sat there and watched as people talked and caught up on life and laughed. Everyone still had a life to talk about.....people getting married, graduating college, having babies, going on trips and me.....well I just sat on my mom's lap and thought about what I wouldn't have, the babies, the trips, the memories.

Again that day left me completely exhausted and I fell right to sleep that night.

The next day brought a whole other journey. I had to get an attorney to try to sue the company that killed my husband. We drove all the way to St. Louis and met with someone who would later drop my case and fall off the face of the planet!

The day after that I headed back to California with my family.

..........................Part 7 shortly....................................

Part 5

I see my father-in-law coming out and there is an unfamiliar face walking behind him.


"What is going?" I was thinking to myself.


So he walks up to us and is just shaking his head and starts crying.....he puts his arms around us and then she starts crying. Me: still trying to figure out what is going on!


Why is everyone crying????? I just wanted to see my husband!


Little did I know the man walking behind Matt's dad was the coroner who also happened to be my sister-in-law's boyfriend's dad, hence the reason everyone was crying.


They knew. Knew life would never be the same now.


But i didn't. I had no idea what was going on at that moment.


As I pulled away my dad-in-law said he didn't make it. He's gone.


The mother of her child starts sobbing in disbelief.


"Four months, that's all I got, four months," were the first words out of my mouth.


Shock, denial, disbelief, anger, sadness, and every other emotion imaginable came out of us.


It took me 45 minutes to cry. My first reaction which is going to sound horrible was laughing. That's all I could get to come out.


Now what was I going to do. I was a widow at 19 and didn't have anything.



"I want to know everything!" I said to the coroner.



"The machine your husband was working on malfunctioned and flew out and hit him in the head causing him to also fly backwards onto the ground. The piece of machinery that hit him cut the main artery on his brain and killed him instantly," were the words he told me.



I called my parents. Still unable to cry. My parents didn't believe me, it had to be a joke right. NO not a joke at.


My husband was gone! Just like that gone. No more kisses, no more hugs, no special moments, no more I love yous, no more memories to make.


There was not going to be a future, no children, no "plans", no happily ever after.


I had just been robbed of my life, my whole being.


Nobody asked me what I wanted or if this was ok with me.



My mom told me I needed to tell my sister. The person that held all my secrets. The one who was always there for me through everything.


"I'm so so so sorry sister," she said to me.


"You have to be strong for you and for Matt."


"You know he wouldn't want you to be sad, you know he would want you to think about all your happy memories and the love you shared," she continued.

It wasn't till I spoke to her that i cried. I cried and cried and sobbed.

I now had to make the decision whether or not I was going to go back and see him. They told me they had cleaned him up and covered the injury.

Do I really want to see him though? Do I want to keep the last memory of his face from earlier that evening and let it be or do I say my last goodbye to my one and only?

My sister urged me to see him so I would have closure. So I did.

As I walked out of the little grieving room I was shaking, nauseated, and weak.

"Will you stay on the phone with me?" I asked my sister.

"Of course I will," she said.

"I won't leave your side."

So I walked down the hall and into a white room with a curtain concealling the bed which my beloved lay.

Then I saw him laying there so peaceful with his eyes closed. He had to just be sleeping right?

So touched him. I grazed my hand along his cold cheek. I laid my head on his chest to hear his strong heart beat, but there was nothing, not a sound. No movement at all.

I kissed him all over and felt his body.

Then I just had to leave. I couldn't be in there anymore. I ran out and collapsed to the floor weeping. Why? Why? Why?

My sister-in-law helped pick me and walk me out to the lobby. There a doctor was waiting for me to sign a paper saying I was letting his body go.

"Do you want to give his organs away?" he asked me.

"Absolutely not! Don't you dare touch him!" I said angrily.

As I stood there knowing I was letting go forever I heard so much talk going on. The coroner talking to the funeral director, people on the phone telling other family members what had just happened. It was just to much.

Nobody asked me anything. I just stood there frozen and shaking. I'm sure I was white as a ghost.

It was time to leave. Leave my once breathing husband. Leaving all my dreams behind.

We drove back to his parents house. His dad went to Matt's work and got his truck and the rest of his belonging that were still there.

More phone calls were made. I had more family and friends to call and had tons of people calling me. I didn't want to talk to another soul. All I wanted to do was go find a hole and die in it.

I sat in the same spot for hours. It was so weird because I would be sitting there and would almost forget what just happened and think to myself "Matt will be getting off any minute". Then reality would hit again.

I felt like everyone was watching me waiting to see what I would do next. I had people trying to shove food down my throat. PEOPLE food was the last thing on my mind!!!!! That house had never been crazier. People coming and going left and right. Food was overflowing on the counter. Apparently that's what people do when someone dies.

I was told that at 10am I was going to the funeral home to make all the arrangements.

Jeez people he has only been dead for 8 hours!!!!!!

So I went and sat there while they showed me books of flowers and other floral arrangements.

At 19 the only floral books your supposed to be looking at are for a wedding and I had just done that four months ago right?! So why was I doing this????

Then it was on to the casket that I was to put his body in before he laid in the ground. Oh wait not just a casket but also a vault for the casket to go inside so the creatures and water and whatever else couldn't get to my husband.

I picked out a beautiful oak casket that his mom and I thought he would like the best. Sounds weird to hear about people talking about what casket there family would like right?! Yeah that's what iIthought too. Most people don't even need to talk about these things because only old people die so they already have all of this written out.

Arrangements were made, all the times were scheduled for the viewing and the funeral. We wrote the obituary and got all the military stuff set up.

I was able to get all his friends from his reserve station to drive all the way to Missouri to do his service. I was so thankful for every single one of them.

After doing all of that they asked me to bring his uniform that he would be buried in to them and underclothing and whatever else I wanted on him.

So I had to go home. To OUR home. The place we made ours.

I walked in the door and just stood there. It felt so empty. I quickly grabbed the things I needed to get out of there and left.

The rest of the day was filled with more phone calls, visitors giving there condolences, and family arranging to either fly or drive in. Again I just sat.

By evening time I figured I should try to go back to my house and shower and get clean clothes. So my sister-in-law and her boyfriend offered to take me so I wasn't alone. When we arrived there was a box sitting outside the door. I went into the house and opened it. It was from my parents. Its was the Christmas wreath that my mom told me she had made for us and a snowman making kit.

I was so angry I just threw it across the room. We weren't going to make a snowman together! Why did I need this now?!

I went into my bedroom to get my stuff to take a shower when I just collapsed on the bed and just started wailing. My sis-in-law came running in and just laid down next to me.

"shh, shh'" she said, "It's ok. Just cry."

"Its his pillow," I said. "It smells just like him. I just want him back. Please bring him back to me. I need him, I want him now!!!"

After I calmed down I went to the shower. It was really weird because I could really feel him in there. As long as my eyes were closed I could feel his presence. I just kept thinking when I opened my eyes he would be standing in front of me. But he wasn't. I was all alone.

We went back to my inlaws and just waited for my family to get in. While waiting my mom-in-law just held me in her arms like a little child. She said the closer she was to me the closer she felt to Matt. She caressed my hair and rubbed my back trying to help me get some rest. By that time my immune system had crashed and I had started to get the cold that Matt had just days before. (How nice of him to leave something behind for me)lol. So I no longer had a voice and my throat was killing me.

Finally.....I heard a door open and then voices, familiar voices. It was my mommy!!!! She came in the living room and just wrapped me up in her arms. The warmth of her made me relax for the first time all day. She was all I needed at the moment. My grandma, granny, and best friend followed in. My support team. I don't know what I would have done without them.

We all talked for a little while then decided it was time to go to my house and try to get some rest. So off to the house we went. Beds were set up, blankets laid out and it was time to sleep.

It took a while but I mom finally put me to sleep like she did when i was child. In my mind I knew when I woke life would be completely back to normal and all of this had just been a bad dream.

..................Put your bookmark in and sit tight for Part 6.................

Part 4

Well the honeymoon had to come to an end. In a sense of course!;)


So we drove back to my little town to pack up the moving truck and head east.


This was the first time that I had ever left home, so obviously it was a very emotional experience.


19 and moving away to a place where I knew no one and didn't know anything about the area, but I couldn't help but follow the man that had swept me off my feet twice to be exact! Once in our beautiful beginning and then again on our wedding day when he carried me into the carriage that he drove to the reception.





......I told you it was a fairytale......





After saying our goodbyes to my family, which let me tell was the hardest thing I had done up to that point in my life. Just one more hug, one more kiss, one more memory of your face. That's all I wanted from my family that sad/happy day.



Sad because I was leaving my family, happy because I was starting this new life with my beloved.



We were off. A day and a half later we reached our destination. We pulled in our driveway to the most adorable little duplex I had ever seen. He picked it out all by himself and he did such a good job.


....It was white with a cute little walk way. A very open grassy yard with a big tree. The inside was perfect size just for us, a newlywed couple just starting out. We loved and were so proud to call it our home.



Within an hour or two I had the kitchen completely unpacked and put away. And then a few hours later our bathroom was ready with fresh towels, toothbrushes in their holder and shampoo in the shower. I was so happy to be wife and a little homemaker. It was so fun!


A few days later we got the rest of our furniture for our quaint home (all being gently used which made it that much more cozy), and we were moved in! Life was exactly the way it should be. Hubby going to work and me at home cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, and making menus and grocery lists.




Matt started working nights which meant I wasn't gonna see him very much because we needed the extra money. So he would go to work and 11 at night and come home between 6 and 7 in the morning. After a month of doing this I decided I wanted to get a job during the for a few hours while he slept so I wasn't tempted to "bother" him. So I got a little part time job at a local subway. It brought in a little extra so I felt I was helping out a little.



Being married was so fun but also very hard at times. Once a month we had to go to Matt's duty station so he could do his reserve weekend. So we would pack a bag and go away for the weekend. It was really fun. Kind of like a vacation once a month. But we had hard times too. Just starting out can be very stressful financially and let me tell you it was! We decided that it would be best if he went active in the Marine Corps instead of staying in the reserves so the "plan" was to do all the paperwork in Dec.





Another hard one is family.





He was a preacher's son from Kentucky. I was the average girl from California. We were from two different worlds. Yes we were both Christians which to me was the most important, and "we" had the same views but in between those lines we were raised different. He had no problem with it and neither did I but others did. You can imagine how that made things difficult for us at times.

For those of you who know me you know I am very outspoken and i think for myself. That's how I was raised. Well in this situation it wasn't completely accepted. Poor Matt was stuck in the middle and I hated that. He loved his family but I was his wife. It. Was. Just. Hard.

Well Sept. and Oct. came and went. It was the first time I actually experienced fall! So beautiful.

Nov. we had our Marine Corps ball and it was soooooooooooooooo much fun! He even took me to get my hair and make-up done. He was so sweet;)

We had a huge Thanksgiving weekend in Kentucky with all of his family and it was great. I learned to pigeon shoot and I tried mutton for the first time and it was so good. We really had fun. We took tons of pics with all the cousins and lots of candid shots too.

Dec. was here. Christmas time!!! We got a little tree and decorated it in our little home, put up Christmas lights, and played Christmas music every day. I even made my first apple pie and of course took pics of it and sent them to my mom. Hehe

I was so excited to go home for Christmas and see my family. The "plan" was to go to his reserve duty, sign papers, and then drive straight to my little town.

So I started planning everything out and counting down the days. In the middle of all that I quit my job because of differences with my boss that contradicted my beliefs. Oh my word I was so worried my hubby was gonna kill me but instead he just loved me!

Well we were just a few days away from leaving so his sister decided to make him his favorite meal before we left. So I went grocery shopping with her and we got all the fixins. Now I'm just guessing here cause its been so long but I think we had steak, macaroni and cheese, and a few other items.

It was our last meal with his family before out trip. We had also done Christmas with them a few days before that too. So we ate and laughed and just had a really good time. After dinner we watched a movie as a family and then said our goodbyes.

We went home and he got ready for work. I made him his lunch and his sweet tea as I always did.

For "some reason" he just didn't want to go to work that night. He kept saying, "I just don't want to go," "can't I just call in?"

Of course me being the wife I "had" to say, "no you need to go."

"Just tonight and tomorrow and then we are leaving for our vacation."

"Ok," he said.

"But you can call and tell them you are gonna be run a little late;)" I said with my eyes batting.

So he did. He called and said he would be 45 min. late.

That night was perfect! As perfect as a newlywed couple could hope. We loved each other that night like it was our "last".

"Ok I better get to work," he said as he put his boots on.

I told him I loved him as i always did and then he was off.

He walked out the door.

A minute later I remembered i forgot to tell him the little things I said.

"Be safe and I will see you in the morning."

By the time I got to the door he was gone.

Then I went in the kitchen and he had forgot his food, which was something he never forgot! He was a little piggy pig. Hehe

So I finished the laundry and put out all the cleaning supplies I was going to need the next morning to clean so our little home would be nice and fresh when we returned. It was time for me to go to bed. I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I picked up my phone and decided I would call Matt just to say I love but then realized that either he wouldn't answer because it was to loud to hear anything or he would answer and not be able to hear anything. So I just went to bed and figured I would see him in the morning.

I was in such a deep slumber when all of a sudden my phone startled me with a ring.

It wasn't uncommon for it to ring in the middle of the night because on Matt's break he would call sometimes so that's who I figured it was.

"Hello," I said all groggy.

"Rhena, are you awake?" the voice said on the other end.

"Yes," I said.

"There has been as accident and they had to take Matt to the hospital," were the foggy words I heard.

"Are you serious?" I replied surprised.

"Yes I'm serious. Do you want me to come get you?" I was asked.

"Well yeah I do!" I said.

"Is he ok?" I asked.

"I don't know. They just said something happened and they needed to take him to the hospital right away. I will be there to get you in a few minutes," she said.

"Ok i will be waiting," was my reply.

"Oh my gosh, is he ok?" "Maybe a broken finger or arm, or maybe he burned himself really bad this time." "I wonder if its a really bad cut." "I hope he doesn't need surgery!" Those were all the thoughts going through my head.

I got dressed faster than I had ever dressed myself before. I checked my face and hair in the mirror quickly to make sure I wasn't going to scare anyone!

FINALLY!!!!! It seemed I was waiting for hours. (It really had only been minutes)

I got in the car and we drove speedily to the hospital. It was pretty quiet the whole way there. Really not much to say. My mother-in-law told me she had dropped Matt's dad off there first just see what had happened and so Matt wouldn't be alone.

We parked in the emergency room parking lot and quickly went inside.

I went to the desk and asked to see Matthew Payne. The woman on the other side of the counter just looked at me and then asked, "And who are you?"

"Um, I'm his WIFE!" I said back.

"Oh!" she said kind of shocked. "Just one moment," she added.

"Really! I just want to see my husband," I thought to myself.

...............And........you will just have to come back to see what happens.............

Part 3

"We are engaged!!!!!" were the words I said to my mom on the phone minutes after it happened. I was so happy, ecstatic, overwhelmed with joy, and every other emotion that comes with being engaged.


I was so happy this happened on a Saturday so I could flaunt my beautiful ring around at church the next day!! Hehe


Now the wedding planning really began! Did I mention I had already picked out my wedding dress a month earlier....me. rushing. no!!!!!!!! lol


We picked date, started calling people that meant the world to us to stand up with us on our beautiful day, picked out dresses, chose tux's, and looked through tons of magazines. I had all the flowers picked out and ordered and the church was set in stone of course. Wait......the church........we HAD the church set in stone!


I orginally wanted an outdoor garden wedding but if you know anything about where i'm from than you know that an outdoor wedding in aug. is probably not the best idea!! The weather is not the most cooperative in my small little town during that month! So my parents promised to bring the garden to me. We decided we would have it at my home church and we would make it beautiful....That was until a horrible storm came in January of 2005 and flooded the entire church leaving it not quite unsuitable for a wedding, let alone church service.


So we talked about alterative arrangements but nothing was working out. We decided to talk to pastor and see what the tentative date was for the church to be ready for use again. His goal date was May 31! Yay!!!! Church garden wedding back on! I was so excited because not only was I going to be able to get married in my church but I would be the first big occasion since the remodeling.


So the planning went on and on and on and on and.......well you get the idea. The months went by and each intracate detail fell into place. It was all to easy (most of the time). July came and Matt graduated from the school he was going to on the base which meant it was time for him to go back to his duty station. Wait.....that meant he had to leave me....which then meant I had to finish planning without him. Not that he did much but the support took the place of that. He would be back a week before the wedding!


That month seemed to be drag like no other! Would August really ever come????? Well of course it would just not fast enough.


Its finally here....the week before. He was back! aka the guy I kinda liked!!! Everything was getting crazy. Family coming in, last minute errands, more family and friends coming in, my bachelorette party ( very fun and innocent considering we were all under 21, and just wanted to have wholesome fun), last tux fitting, more way last minute errands and it went on.


Rehearsal was great. it felt so unreal. Was this really happening? Am I really getting married tomorrow? The dinner went well with only a few kinks here and there but all in all a very nice dinner.


We said goodbye as just each other's fiance for the last time and couldn't believe that the day we both had been waiting for was the next day!


Today is the day! The day I will no longer be Miss Rhena De Maio but Mrs. Rhena Payne.


First thing on the list: relaxing bath...check.


Next: hair appointment with all my girls...check.


We had so much fun just talking and giggling like little girls. I felt so close to all of them that day. They made me feel so special. By the way, that morning at the hair salon I also found out I was going to be an auntie to my dearest friends' first baby!


Hair and make-up done, tiara and veil on. Ready to go to the church!


...............I was almost late to my own wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


As soon as I got inside everyone stripped me and put me in my beautiful princess dress. Boy did I feel like a princess! I had the gloves and everything. My bouquet was out of this world gorgeous. The day was already magical and I hadn't even seen my prince yet.


Its time! Its really time! The moment I have dreamt about my whole life. With my daddy by my side we waited. Everyone walked down the aisle and then they shut the doors. There we were standing behind them when my dad and I gave each other last sweet hug before he gave me away.


The doors open, I was speechless at the sight I saw, the church looked like a story book garden brought to life and then I saw him....the man of my dreams waiting to take me as his bride, to love me, protect me, care for me til death do us part...........


We walked slowly smiling at all the guests. We made it to end, he kissed me for the last time as his little girl and then took my purity ring of my finger that he gave me years back. He put my hand in my groom's hand and let go. He gave his blessing then took his seat.


We stared into each others eyes the whole time never once thinking anything could take away our happiness. We said our vows meaning every word. We lit our candle (well tried to but it never actually lit) tying our families together for life. We sealed our vows with our first kiss as husband and wife and then were pronounced Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Payne.


We are married, really married, is what we kept saying to each other after we walked back down that aisle.


The reception was great. We mingled with everyone and I had my father/daughter dance and then we danced together as husband and wife.


My life was perfect! Nothing could ever go wrong. I was going to live happily ever after.


Our wedding night was so special. We had both saved ourselves for just each other our whole lives which made that night that much more special. Such a fairytale!


We enjoyed a wonderful little honeymoon. Everything was a surprise for me. The day after we were married he took me to see my favorite baseball team play. Then he surprised me with two full days at disneyland!!!! We stayed in an inn with an italian feel that was right across the street from the park.


Our last day we went to the beach and just relaxed. It was heaven on earth.


God knew what He was doing when brought us together to share such wonderful memories.


After a week full of fun it was time to get back to reality.


..................Part 4 will be here shortly.............................