This morning I read a post from a "soul sister" of mine and it spoke volumes. I felt like she was writing my heart for last two years!
As most of you know I was widowed at 19 and met my present husband 6 months later. What you don't know nor did my husband or I was that when we met he didn't really meet the real me!
He met an illusion of me but not the real person. I didn't know this at the time and to be honest just realized it within the last few weeks.
Though I seemed available emotional I was not!
I gave my "heart" to him and "fell in love".
After we got married something changed in me. I didn't "feel" for him the way I had when we first met. One month after our wedding we found out we were pregnant. As excited as I was something just wasn't right.
For the last 3 1/2 years I have dealt with this "feeling".
On my daughter's first birthday I decided in my heart I wanted to leave. We had been married almost 2 years at the time. Our marriage was falling apart and so was our life.
He wasn't the same person when we met and neither was I. I didn't know the person I saw in the mirror and he didn't either. He had no intention of leaving me and really didn't know how serious I was about leaving. No one was but one good friend.
But I stayed! Physically that is. I didn't want to be touched by him, kissed, or even looked at for that matter. I had decided to stay for our daughter, at least that is what I kept telling myself. But deep down when I imagined my life without him I would break. I didn't know why considering I wanted nothing to do with him.
I felt aweful, sick most of the time.
What had I done! I met this great guy who loved me for me, whatever that meant and here I was not knowing what I wanted.
Looking back I know now that "I" wasn't ready but God was. He knew what He was doing.
Yes love is a choice! Not everyone has come to that place of having to choose yet but it will happen.
I chose to stay from day one because I knew it was the "right" thing to do but my heart was never in it.
As I write this I feel aweful because I know how blessed I am to have been given a second chance at love. I promised myself almost 6 years ago that I would never take for granted what I have and for the last 3 plus years I have. Those of you that have met my husband know how great and special he is and probably think how horrible I am for treating him this way. I feel that way too!
Almost a year ago I finally realized that I needed help. I had a lot of unfinished grieving that I never dealt with and I saw where it was leading me and my family. So for the last year I have been growing, not always fun by the way, but definitely worthwhile. My husband and I also started a business which brought a lot of things about us to the forfront of our relationship.
I have cried, got angry, cursed, screamed, and laughed through this year long journey.
I am so very happy to tell you that I have found "me"! I am becoming the woman I still strive to be!
My husband left July 5th for the Army and to be honest at that point I was still happy he was leaving. I felt we needed a break. It only took me saying goodbye at the hotel entrance to realize what I was walking away from.
An amazing husband
wonderful daddy
I can tell you today that it took that for me really to finally choose.
I choose him!
I choose his love!
I choose his touch!
I choose his kiss!
I choose his smile!
I choose him!
I have never been more in love in my life! Just the thought of him gives me goose bumps:)
Its been 37 days since I saw him last and I have 48 more to go.
Choose love...Will it always be easy?? NO! Will it always be worth it?? YES!!!!!!!!
I married a man Feb 2, 2008 but I fell truly in love with him July 6 2011!
He literally is the best thing that has ever happened to me and can't wait to be 80 years old and still this "in love" with him<3
