The happenings of August

This month is a full month. Lots of happy going on but a few sad/bittersweet happenings as well.

 First All the happy:) My hubby is turning the big 28 in 12 days, we have been together 6 years in 3 weeks, gosh I can't believe how time has flown, and lastly princess and I will be going home in 15 days to see my family!

Needless to say we are very busy right now. Hubby working and me trying to get all my clients in before I leave and getting in as much family time in as well.

Then there are the sad/bittersweet moments in this month. Today being one of them. 

Today Matt and I would be married 7 years. 

Its hard to believe seven years ago I was walking down the aisle to say 'I do' to the man I thought I would spend the rest of MY life with. I remember walking to him and never once thinking our happiness could end and I pictured us rocking on our wraparound porch at the age of 70 sipping sweet tea. 

It was at the young age of 19 the best day of my life.

I miss him so.

I wonder sometimes what our life would be like now. How many kids we would have, where we would be, and all the other little details of life.

I miss the way he said 'I can't'. He couldn't say it like a normal person lol he said it with his sexy Kentucky accent. It drove me crazy but I would do anything just to hear him say it one more time.

So today is bittersweet. I will remember the sweetest man and husband that God gave me 7 years ago and all the happiness we shared as a married couple in our short lifetime together. I love you forever and ever MY MATT<3 div="div">

And now to the sad.....

This month will mark one year since the last time I saw or spoke to my sister.

I miss her more than words can describe.

I have told my husband countless times how this feels worse than when Matt died. The reason being that I knew I wouldn't be seeing him again and that death is final, I knew he was gone. With my sister on the other hand, I know she is alive. I know there is the possibility of seeing her again but that she doesn't want to be seen. 

I feel like a part of me has died. 

I was just thinking yesterday that the one person I would call just to talk about nothing with and laugh over the silly things I do, the only one who would understand me in all my weirdness wants nothing to do with me.

There is a constant ache in my stomach when I think of her. I dream of her at least 3 times a week and every dream she comes back into my life.

I long to lay on the bed and her be upside down and laugh til we pee our pants because of how hilarious it is to watch a mouth move upside down! haha

I miss seeing her with my little girl. She has missed so much in this last year of her life. I know she would be so proud of her and just die watching her play and all the silly things she does.

I know God is in complete control over all of this and I just wish He would restore our family.

I question Him everyday why He hasn't. 

I miss her.

At one time in my life August was to be the happiest month of the year. Though through the years this month has brought lots of sadness my God brought me the man that would bring life and happiness back in it. 

Happy birthday my Tom and happy six years of being together:) I love you and thank you for being my light in the darkness.

Reflection

Today as made me reflect on my life in a few different areas. Today this world lost a wonderful wife, and mother. I lost a cousin but more importantly and man lost his wife, a little boy lost him momma, a set of parents lost their daughter, siblings lost their sister, and the list goes on.

With all this it took me back to "that" day. The day I lost my whole world. I have had a knot in my stomach all day thinking about my cousin and the pain he is feeling right now. I hurt so bad for him.

But today has made me remember how precious life truly is and how blessed I really am. Lately I have taken for granted the blessing of being a momma. In day to day life I get caught up in the little things that annoy me or the things my little one does that turn nice mommy into not so nice mommy. Lately I have sent my little girl to her room because I have been exhausted instead of embracing the moments I get to be here mommy. As a wife I have taken for granted the love my husband has for me. I realize I need to kiss him more and tell him over and over how much I love him. I also thought about all my family I don't talk to very often and want to make more of an effort to keep communication open with all of them.

But now tonight at almost 2 in the morning I can't stop looking at my sister's wedding slide show. The happiness on her face, the love I see in her eyes, and the love between her and I. Life is really too short to hold grudges and allow distance to grow between each other. Each day that passes I miss my sister more and more but there is nothing I can do but pray. I have let go of any anger built up and forgiven everything and those who really know me, know that isn't the kind of person I am. But with her its different. I would do anything to put things back to the way they used to be. I long to have my sister back. Every day it feels like she has died but worse because she hasn't.

So don't let tomorrow come before telling the ones you love how much they mean to you. Mend broken relationships if you have the opportunity too. You just might not have another chance!

Missing you

Missing you tonight......not really for any reason in particular.

I keep seeing your little grin in my mind and hear the cute way you said your words.

It all brings a smile to my face but for some reason my heart is aching.

I have so much to be thankful for and I love my life but right now I just want YOU.

Some may not understand and that is ok.

Sweetheart can you do me a favor tonight?

I need to see you and feel you. Even if its just a glimpse. You haven't come to visit me in a while in my dreams and right now I need you to.

Matthew Nathanael I miss you so much right now.....I know I'm saying it over and over right now but I do. ~

This is my heart tonight so those that have a quick second please say a prayer for a peace to come over me to rest easy.