Why?

Today marks 9 years since my first love was taken from my arms. Taken from the life we planned to live together til we were old and gray. Taken from a Corps he intended to continue to serve proudly. Taken from family who loved him unconditionally.

Matt was a loving man who hated confrontation. He always wanted peace between everyone. He loved those who didn't really deserve it.

In the time we had together all he did was love me. Me being the stubborn one I am I fought it at times because that's who I am, just ask Tom! But no matter what he loved me. He put up with so much to be with me. He was in a war, it may not have included a weapon or leaving my side but it was a war. He fought for our love everyday. He fought for acceptance. He fought for happiness and peace.

Unfortunately 9 years later and the war still hasn't been won. He would be so disgusted. He would hang his head in disappointment. How do I know this? Because I knew him, the REAL him. The one who shared him deepest secrets, his wants and desires, his pains and sorrows, his dreams and wishes.

~~~~~~

As most of you know its been a while since I have written. The last time was in Feb. I kind of took a break after that just to focus on my life and family. I have wanted to write so many times since then but the words were just never there.

This morning I woke up as usual and since it is Matt's anniversary of his death I wanted to write on his memorial page. Well to my surprise I have been blocked. Just a month ago I wrote and posted a pic on the page. So now not only have I have been blocked from personal pages but MY husbands memorial page. Fine block me from the others but why his? Why does anyone feel they have the right or prerogative to block me or delete me?

No one can change that I was his wife. They can all continue to make up their own stories about him and change things to their benefit but it doesn't change the truth.

So please continue to be immature, hateful, and hurtful because why would you all change now?

I will continue to love and cherish what we had. I will keep the memories of him alive and not alter them to make me look better.

I loved him with my whole heart and nothing will ever change that.

As I have said before peace and acceptance is all that has ever been wanted.

Now I will continue my day as planned with my family and maybe even share a few memories on Facebook throughout the day of my Matt <3 p="">

Surprise post!

Hi again!

What?? Two posts in one week? Yes!

I'm going to do something a little different in this post though. 

I have been asked so many times, especially in the last few days...

'How does your husband feel about you still loving your first husband?' 

'How does he cope with all the emotions?'

'How does he feel about you talking about it so much?'

'Doesn't it bother him or make him jealous?' 

'He would have to be a special guy' (On this I can attest. He is :))

Well today he is going to answer those questions himself and tell you his story of all of this.

These are his words not mine. I'm hoping after this you will all have a better understanding of him and our relationship.

Hi. This is Tom. So I am being FORCED to write on the blog post...Haha just kidding!!!! OK, so anyway, Rhena has told me that a lot of people ask her all these questions. So I will answer these questions as best as I can.

So how do I feel about her loving another guy? Well, I can understand how she feels that way because I too lost someone very special in my life and I know that those feelings do not just go away. Plus, its not like she can leave me to be with him...I know that she loves me. She married me. She said the same vows that I said. We have a beautiful child together. 

How do I cope with the emotions? Well, it is my duty as her husband to be with her at all times no matter what, so that's what I do. I need to comfort her and be there for her when she needs me. Plus, I love her more than anything else in the world and I HATE to see her sad or upset. 

About her talking about it. I think its healthy to talk about those moments because I want her to remember those times and cherish them. I would never want her to forget that time in her life. Again, i now how important it is to cherish memories, because you never know what the future holds.

Jealousy......no I do not get jealous when she talks about him or that time in her life. I wasn't even in the picture so why should I get jealous. I can't control her memories or change the past, so it makes no sense to get jealous over something like that. Plus it wouldn't be fair to her to make that situation about me when it clearly has nothing to do with me. The only thing that bothers me is how his family treats her now. if I could drop a bomb on them all and get away with it I would. They infuriate me with how they treat her.

Final question. Yes, I am special. I'm totally awesome!

So there you have it. He is pretty awesome :)

As I have said in the past I know Matt and God chose Tom special just for me. How everything played out it is quite evident. 

Again I want to say these were his words not mine!

Here we are...two imperfect people figuring out this thing called LIFE!

9 years later!

Hello world!

Its been quite a while since I have been around here. So many times I wanted to write but didn't know what to say.

Life sure has had its ups and down the past year, but here I am.

Today marks what would have been 9 years of marriage. Its crazy to me to think I would have been married that long.

But I want to share something I have kept quiet about.

To me this marriage was/is very real. I married this man with the full intention of spending the rest of my life with him. We all know that didn't happen though.

This past February my VERY real marriage to this man was challenged.

As you all know I have had a rough journey with ones in his family. This hasn't been easy nor did I ever want it that way.

Valentines day this year exceeded all past conflicts.

A very private part of me and my beloved was taken from us. Some may say I'm selfish to hold onto pieces of us for only me but I get to be selfish. Plain and simple.

My wedding pictures....

Matt never saw them in person just on the computer. I didn't receive them until a year after our wedding.

So for me these photos were very intimate. Still are.

My wedding day is something I hold onto very close to my heart.

One can only imagine then when logging on to internet to then find ALL of your pictures post for the world to see quite shocking.

I have only ever had that feeling in my stomach one other time and that was when my Matt was taken from me.

And now this.

This is how things have always been. No one ever thinks about how it might affect others or their feelings.

These pictures were not just of me and my husband. There were pictures of lots of others that have died or divorced. Do you really think they wanted to see those either? Probably not!

With all of this I received message and message. Some from friends and family showing support and love. Others not so much.

I have basically been told that because he died our marriage is null and void and he belongs to them.

Just lots of hurtful hurtful things.

Let me just say I have the BEST husband in the world. He stayed by my side the entire day and held me as I sobbed. Since it was Valentines day I had plans to make a special dinner for my family but after all of that I had no more energy to do anything. He decided to get me out of the house and get my mind off of everything. He took both of his girls to dinner :)

We have talked about how to move forward from all of this and slowly we are. Unfortunately some things are going to just take more time but I can't go into that.

9 years later and I never saw things being like this.

I always wonder where we would be in our life, how many kids we would have, what struggles we would have faced, what our love would look like now.

I miss him still so much. Every time I see his face I fall in love with him again. I loved his crooked smile and they way he looked at me.

My vows meant the world to me and just because we aren't physically together doesn't me I can't still hold them dear. They still matter to me. I don't care if they don't mean anything to anything one else.

He was MY husband and no one can take that from me. I get the final say. I make the decisions that concern him.

Because they are mine and I want to here are a few of our special day I would like to share :)

I hope you enjoyed some of my most precious memories :)