Missing you

Missing you tonight......not really for any reason in particular.

I keep seeing your little grin in my mind and hear the cute way you said your words.

It all brings a smile to my face but for some reason my heart is aching.

I have so much to be thankful for and I love my life but right now I just want YOU.

Some may not understand and that is ok.

Sweetheart can you do me a favor tonight?

I need to see you and feel you. Even if its just a glimpse. You haven't come to visit me in a while in my dreams and right now I need you to.

Matthew Nathanael I miss you so much right now.....I know I'm saying it over and over right now but I do. ~

This is my heart tonight so those that have a quick second please say a prayer for a peace to come over me to rest easy.

Our Christmas choice

So it seems there has been a lot of talk about Santa and Baby Jesus lately. It has caused me to do a lot of soul searching and figuring out what I believe.

My parents decided when I was young that they would tell me the 'truth' about Santa and that they are the ones that made Christmas happen. Their reasoning behind it was they were taught through the church that it was like lying to me and if they were going to lie to me about Santa then I would question what they taught me about Jesus since I couldn't see him either. Honestly it didn't hurt me at all knowing the truth and I wasn't heart broken. I wasn't one of those kids that went around and told all the others kids Santa wasn't real. My parents explained that some kids believed and it wasn't my place to tell them otherwise.

As a child though I did look at Santa as kind of 'bad' because, how dare he lie to all those children!

Just to clarify I believe my parents were doing what they thought was right for my brother and I by telling us the truth.

Tom on the other hand grew up with Santa in their home. He says he knew at a young age he wasn't real because he snuck in his parents closet and found the presents! (he was naughty as a little boy he he) I remember the first Christmas Tom and I were together his mom wrote 'from Santa' on some of my presents and it felt weird because I had never had presents say that before! My presents always had a reindeer name on them(my mom gave us a reindeer name every year and we didn't find out which one we were til Christmas morning:)).

So our little bug actually understands the Christmas thing this year and up until this year I had it in my mind we were going to tell her the truth but still "pretend" just for fun. But after much thought and reading we together have decided that we are going to do the whole Christmas thing. Every part of it and I'm probably more excited than my three year old!

We are going to do Santa and baby Jesus. I believe that it is perfectly fine for her to believe a nice old man brings her presents. We will teach her the history of St. Nick as she gets older when she can understand. She will also know about Jesus and the manger. I feel that her believing in a white bearded man will not affect her believing in the One who will save her one day.

So Tom has agreed to get a Santa suit and actually put her presents under the tree after she has gone to bed just in case she peeks:) He will eat her cookies she makes every year and drink the Pepsi she puts out. ( our Santa only drinks Pepsi...a tradition Tom's dad started when they were kids) We will leave footprints and reindeer tracks. I can't wait to pretend and be a kid all over again!

December # 6

Its December. The month I dread every year. Its been almost six years and this year seems to be harder than last year.

Maybe its because I'm starting a whole new life here in Texas so a lot of little memories have been surfacing of when Matt and I moved to Missouri. You see, this is mine and Tom's first 'real' move away from family. I haven't lived outside of California since I moved back almost six years ago so I have always had my family to hold me close and support me during this time of year.

Maybe its because we are settled now and I have a lot of time now to think about my life and how different things are going to be now. Training, deployments, and such. So nervousness is setting is as well.

Or maybe its that Matt's sister just had her second baby and it is a little boy who they have named after him. I have watched all the little videos of this new beginning of theirs and am so happy for them but can't help but look at all the videos and pictures and think of all Matt is missing. I know he would have loved these to precious angels his sisters has now and I know how much he loved kids so he would have been a great uncle. And then part of me wishing I could have a small part in their lives to share the part of their uncle with them that I hold so dear.

Through all of this though, I have a wonderful husband who is focusing so much on helping me through all of this 'stuff' this year. I know he feels as though he isn't doing a good enough job but what he doesn't realize is that him just sitting and holding me and giving the little kiss on my forehead is all I really need right now. I just need to know I'm loved and that my feelings are being taken care of and he really is doing just that!

So as I struggle through this month I ask anyone who reads this to please just say a little prayer for me. My family needs me and I want to make this year special since it will just be the three of us for Christmas, but I sure am feeling weak in the strength department.

Bosom Friends

If I turned the clock back.....

I didn't want you there. I didn't want to share. I liked it just being me. You weren't in my plan. I wanted my mom to myself.

I disliked you so much to the point of hate. God had other plans for us though.

It was soccer season again and it was made very clear we were to be on separate teams because we didn't get along.

Some how we ended up on the same team. We learned to work together as teammates which turned into working together as friends and then as sisters. We became best friends and we inseparable.

We experienced everything together. You were the one I told all my secrets to. We would lay on our beds one of us upside down and laugh till our stomachs hurt because of how are faces looked upside down. No one else understood it but us. We planned our futures together of being hairstylists on cruise ships and opening a cafe with a skate park inside. We wanted to go to military school together and pretended for weeks we really were there! You taught me to dance and roller blade. We liked the same boy forever and talked of our dream guys we would marry. We said we would always be together.

You were the one I told about my first kiss and I for you. We held each other when we were hurting. I fell so in love with you as my bosom friend.

We never shared clothes or shoes but we shared our intermost desires.

I always wanted a little sister and God gave me you. I might not have been bigger than you in size but I was your big sister:)

You were there the day  I said 'I Do' to my first love and you were the only one who could help me make it through some of the worst moments when I lost that love. You took care of me and kept me safe when I was wandering. I was there beside you the day you said 'I Do'. We may have grown distant during that time but I never stopped loving you and wishing you and I were the way we used to be.

You were there when I said 'I Do' the second time to my soulmate (even if you were barefoot)!
You were there the day I brought my angel into this world and I watched you fall in love with her the way I did.

I have always looked up to you for being so strong and making it through everything you have.

You saved me from making so many mistakes and you helped save my marriage.

I never ever thought 'what if you never existed?' Not until now.
What if I didn't have all those memories?
What would my life look like?

It would have been so empty.....the way it feels now without you. You have just left! Without saying goodbye. I miss you so much and wonder if I will ever see you again. Will I ever get answers to questions I have? Will my little girl who adores you so ever truly know you the way I do?

I want you back in the worst way. You will always be my sister and I will always love you.

chapters life

We all have chapters we go through in life. Some short others very long. Some are extremely happy and some are very sad. There are boring chapters and normal chapters.

Looking back most of my life has had normal chapters. The past 6 years has brought the extremely happy yet very sad chapters. Some say by now I should be "over" all of this and no longer talking about it or bringing up things from the past. Well I'm here to tell you all that I will never be "OVER" this nor do I want to be. It has defined who I have become and why would I want to change that.
To get over something is essentially forgetting it. So what they are really saying is forget the past six years like they never happened! NO!!!!!!!!!!
God has finally brought me to the spot He has been trying to get me to for a while now. He has been throwing huge hints at me for a few years but I have been to afraid to take them. I felt like if  I completely let go then I was forgetting my first love. What I have learned is that closing this chapter and letting go is not forgetting him at all. Instead I'm letting go of the chains and holding onto the love and memories 'we' had. No one can ever take that from me! I have no bitterness anymore and haven't for a while now just to clear that up. And I'm not hurting anyone I love anymore either because I have chosen to get help and work through my problems not just forget them!
I will always love the people in my chapters but a good book always has an ending. My book is still being written but the longest chapter is finally done! I can't tell you how relieving it is to say that.
I have wanted this for so long just didn't know how to get there. I'm glad the action has finally been taken and I can finally focus on what is right in front of me....my little family<3 Thomas James Frounfelker and Kaitlynn Irhena Frounfelker I love you both with every part of my being.

Matthew Nathanael Payne....you will always be in my heart and I will always love you. You know where you are in our family and the place where you sit. Tom, Kaity and I will forever be grateful for you because without you we wouldn't have our family. Kaity will know you and love you for what you have given her. Tom will forever appreciate the person you helped me become and for allowing him to love me. And I my love will NEVER forget the love we shared and the special memories we made. We were a true family you and I and you will always be a part of the family I have now.

Present and future show me what you are holding for me...Past you no longer have a hold on me or my family!

If you have a chapter you are holding onto its ok. In time you will have the peace to let it go and move forward. Until them forgive yourself and give yourself permission to finish the chapter in your time!

When did "we" change?

I don't normally talk of religion or beliefs in a setting like this but lately that has been on my mind.....

I grew up in a Christian home, with loving Christian parents. We were in the church every time the doors were open, we went to the Christian school, and we were all in ministries.
At the age of 17 I got the assurance of my salvation because of the many doubts I had along the way plus I never remember there being a moment in time I asked my Saviour into my life.
After graduating high school and getting married a year later I moved to a little town with my new husband. We went to the church we were expected to go to since his father was the pastor and all. It was nothing I had ever experienced in my life. So very different in so many ways.
Once I went back to my home town I went to the church I was raised in once again. That is when things started to change for me.
I really kind of stopped going after a while one because I got tired of people asking me how I was doing, two it was just plain to hard!
Being away started to really make me think about a lot of things though.
I have always wanted to raise my children in church because that is where I learned so much about Jesus. But when did we start thinking that the only way for our little ones to learn the stories and verses was in sunday school or the mid week sessions?
When did it become ok to put people on some pedestal and expect so much from then just because of who they are?
I believe the Bible says we are all equal in HIS eyes and therefore should be treated as such.
When did being a Christian mean that you had to dress a certain way, look a certain way and if you anything but that, you are worldly?


Recently I was told that the godly Rhena they knew would never say anything about anyone even if is was true and that they looked up to me as their role model of a godly young lady. 
What did I do to put myself in a position to be thought of this way with such high expectations?
I have always been very real and outspoken and I do admit that that has gotten me in trouble at times. 


I love my Jesus with all my heart and He has shown Himself more to me in the last year than ever before. But me loving Him does not mean that I must live up to certain expectations for others. I don't want to be the one that gets put in a box and looked at a certain way. I want people to know and see that Jesus has loved me despite all I has done and that through Him loving me, I have a love for Him that shows through my kindness to others, a forgiving spirit(still working on that one), a loving touch, and a desire to serve Him in the way HE sees fit. I will never be perfect and nor do I really strive to be but I do strive to be like my Jesus.  He didn't care where the poor man walked, He still walked beside him, He didn't care what the prostitute wore, He still loved her, so why do we judge on what is on the outside instead of the heart?


My prayer is that we love the heart of a man not his exterior. 
Yes people stumble, we say things we don't mean or without thinking, but we also say the truth and are shunned for it. 
Maybe this makes no sense and quite honestly I'm still trying to make sense of it all as well but I know I am loved despite myself and that He will never stop loving me no matter what!

Finding Love

I have decided its time!!! I have been telling my my "whole" story since I started my blogging journey and now I'm going to jump ahead a few leaps and hurdles!!!

This morning I read a post from a "soul sister" of mine and it spoke volumes. I felt like she was writing my heart for last two years!

As most of you know I was widowed at 19 and met my present husband 6 months later. What you don't know nor did my husband or I was that when we met he didn't really meet the real me!

He met an illusion of me but not the real person. I didn't know this at the time and to be honest just realized it within the last few weeks.

Though I seemed available emotional I was not!

I gave my "heart" to him and "fell in love".

After we got married something changed in me. I didn't "feel" for him the way I had when we first met. One month after our wedding we found out we were pregnant. As excited as I was something just wasn't right.

For the last 3 1/2 years I have dealt with this "feeling".

On my daughter's first birthday I decided in my heart I wanted to leave. We had been married almost 2 years at the time. Our marriage was falling apart and so was our life.

He wasn't the same person when we met and neither was I. I didn't know the person I saw in the mirror and he didn't either. He had no intention of leaving me and really didn't know how serious I was about leaving. No one was but one good friend.

But I stayed! Physically that is. I didn't want to be touched by him, kissed, or even looked at for that matter. I had decided to stay for our daughter, at least that is what I kept telling myself. But deep down when I imagined my life without him I would break. I didn't know why considering I wanted nothing to do with him.

I felt aweful, sick most of the time.

What had I done! I met this great guy who loved me for me, whatever that meant and here I was not knowing what I wanted.

Looking back I know now that "I" wasn't ready but God was. He knew what He was doing.

Yes love is a choice! Not everyone has come to that place of having to choose yet but it will happen.

I chose to stay from day one because I knew it was the "right" thing to do but my heart was never in it.

As I write this I feel aweful because I know how blessed I am to have been given a second chance at love. I promised myself almost 6 years ago that I would never take for granted what I have and for the last 3 plus years I have. Those of you that have met my husband know how great and special he is and probably think how horrible I am for treating him this way. I feel that way too!

Almost a year ago I finally realized that I needed help. I had a lot of unfinished grieving that I never dealt with and I saw where it was leading me and my family. So for the last year I have been growing, not always fun by the way, but definitely worthwhile. My husband and I also started a business which brought a lot of things about us to the forfront of our relationship.

I have cried, got angry, cursed, screamed, and laughed through this year long journey.

I am so very happy to tell you that I have found "me"! I am becoming the woman I still strive to be!

My husband left July 5th for the Army and to be honest at that point I was still happy he was leaving. I felt we needed a break. It only took me saying goodbye at the hotel entrance to realize what I was walking away from.

An amazing husband

wonderful daddy

I can tell you today that it took that for me really to finally choose.

I choose him!

I choose his love!

I choose his touch!

I choose his kiss!

I choose his smile!

I choose him!

I have never been more in love in my life! Just the thought of him gives me goose bumps:)

Its been 37 days since I saw him last and I have 48 more to go.

Choose love...Will it always be easy?? NO! Will it always be worth it?? YES!!!!!!!!

I married a man Feb 2, 2008 but I fell truly in love with him July 6 2011!

He literally is the best thing that has ever happened to me and can't wait to be 80 years old and still this "in love" with him<3