I think "Does it even matter anymore?"
"Do people even want to read what I have to say after almost 10 years?"
Then I remember who this blog is really for. ME. The grieving one. Then one who is still navigating through all of this.
Society would say I should be "over this" by now, but I'm not.
When I think I'm doing great and past all the drama and stress this loss has brought, something/someone strikes again! And it always seems it happens around a significant date.
I don't bother any of them. Some have blocked me or 'unfriended' me. Yet here we are again after 8 months of nothing and contact is trying to be made again.
What I don't understand is why??? Why now after me not responding the last two times you have tried to talk to me? Why is your timing just so perfect (insert sarcasm)?
The logical side of me knows not to respond and to leave things as they are. Then there is this other side that draws me to want to accept and ask questions. I know it will only lead to the same heartache yet here I am still unsure of what to do.
Today marks what would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. Is this the reason for sudden interest in reconnecting with me?
Will I continue to deal with this the rest of my life?
I know I am rambling and this all makes no sense. I feel the need to at least type this all out to get the thoughts out of my head.
Sometimes I wish I had a manual to guide me through this grief....
!0 years though. That is such a long time. A decade. My wedding seems more of a dream than something that actually happened. When I look at pictures I don't even know who that girl is looking back at me.
Normally after 10 years of marriage couples have kids, stable jobs, have bought a home and have a life built.
In my last 10 years I have gotten married, become a widow, lost my way, found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, married him, had a beautiful baby girl, gone through hell and back with my husband, moved 7 times in 5 years, gone from one branch of service to other, found myself, and had a handsome baby boy. I can honestly say that 10 years ago I never would have seen my life like this.
As great as my life is now and it really is, it doesn't change what has happened in my life and what I still continue to deal with. I still miss him and our life we were just starting. I'm still dealing with people who give me anxiety and post traumatic stress. Even just seeing there names puts a knot in my stomach.
Anyone going through any kind of loss or grief know that even after so many years you still feel it. Something or someone will always be there to bring everything to the surface when you least expect it to. Just continue to live. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and ignore the comments like 'just focus on what you have now', 'don't dwell on it', 'you have come so far, don't look back now'. No one understands what you are going through and how you need to deal with.
10 years ago
Today
