WIPING OFF THE DUST AND RIPPING THE BAND AID OFF!

Well hello!! It's been a long hot minute since I have even opened my blog. I honestly can't even remember when I did last. There has been a lot on my heart lately and I think it's time to start writing again. I think the best way to do this is just to jump right it. Rip the band aid off right?!

A few weeks ago my husband and I started therapy again. We decided to do this more of a proactive move for our marriage. We aren't in a really bad place but when we see warning signs instead of ignoring them or trying to fix them on our own and fail we seek counsel from a third party to help us navigate through it all. I think all marriages should do this. It shows that your marriage is actually healthier than you think and on the right track.

This is where things get messy. Through this more of my past is being brought to the fore front.  I did counseling long ago as well as grief group therapy. I worked through a lot of crap and dealt with a lot I never wanted to, but as we know grief is a journey that never ends. Almost 13 years later here I sit writing about it.

It's been said now by our counselor and a family friend that the way I'm living my life is unhealthy. That I'm holding onto my past and not letting it go.
I have been told it's not normal to have a picture of my deceased husband in my home (by said friend).
I've been told I talk about him and say him name too much ( by said friend).
I was literally put into a full anxiety attack because of a "hypothetical" situation where my husband is uncomfortable with this photo and my "habit" of talking about my first husband ( by said friend).

The last two weeks I have soul searched and really reflected on all of this. I don't see our counselor until next week and I fully plan to talk about all of this and see if she has thought about the confusing thoughts she was having.

During this time of reflection I have sought others advice and thoughts. I have also been given so many signs that have made a lot of these things very clear to me.

This is what I have realized or already knew just needed to remember.

1. I'm not living an unhealthy life.
2. I have moved forward though I do agree with our counselor that there are still things I need to release and work through and therefore I will be going back to my own personal therapy.
3. It's completely normal and ok to have a picture of my Matt in my home.
4. It's not confusing for my children to see him and hear about him.
5. It's healthy and normal to say him name and keep his memory alive.
6. You don't ever 'get over' grief or loss.
7. My husband fully supports me and is more than ok with how I have chosen to keep Matt's memory alive in our life.
8. Those who have never been through what you have have no clue what they are talking about! (professionals have schooling and research and lots of insight but its still not the same if that haven't experienced it)
9. No one will tell me how to live my life or go through my grief journey unless you are a professional I'm seeking counsel from or my husband.
10. I am a widow and a wife. They are two in the same person. They each have their own place and are equally as important.
11. I have opened my heart four times in my life and that is extremely special to me. Matt, Tom, Kaity, Parker.
12. This journey has so many twists and turns and you never know what will happen next.
13. My feelings and emotions are valid and mean something.
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Losing my husband at such a young age when life was just beginning has left a lasting impression on me. I truly feel it hit my heart in a way that up to this point I haven't realized what it actually did to me. A piece of me died. That piece controls my emotions, vulnerability, empathy, sympathy, ant d compassion. Now that I have fully acknowledged this I want to heal it and come back to life. I know I will never be that same person I was before. I don't want be. I want to be better.

This post is so honest and real for me. Putting this out here publicly is hard.

If you are reading this and are grieving yourself let me give you one piece of advice. Feel it. Feel it all. Don't close it off.  It's so much better for you to feel all of it and grieve. Remember your special person. Don't ever forget them or let anyone tell you to move on. In time you will move forward but allow yourself time and grace. Say their name and often as you want to. Talk about them.

I'm so excited to be over here again. I'm not sure how often I will be able to write but I hope to do it as much as possible. I have always used this as my platform to grieve and heal and just let go. This is a new season and ready to go through it all!

I plan to continue writing about this part of my journey but would like to add some of my life and craziness to the mix if you all are up for it too!

Rhena~

Ramblings

For the past week I have been contemplating on what I should write,

 I think "Does it even matter anymore?"

"Do people even want to read what I have to say after almost 10 years?"


Then I remember who this blog is really for. ME.  The grieving one. Then one who is still navigating through all of this.

Society would say I should be "over this" by now, but I'm not.

When I think I'm doing great and past all the drama and stress this loss has brought, something/someone strikes again! And it always seems it happens around a significant date.

I don't bother any of them. Some have blocked me or 'unfriended' me. Yet here we are again after 8 months of nothing and contact is trying to be made again.

What I don't understand is why??? Why now after me not responding the last two times you have tried to talk to me? Why is your timing just so perfect (insert sarcasm)?

The logical side of me knows not to respond and to leave things as they are. Then there is this other side that draws me to want to accept and ask questions. I know it will only lead to the same heartache yet here I am still unsure of what to do.

Today marks what would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. Is this the reason for sudden interest in reconnecting with me?

Will I continue to deal with this the rest of my life?

I know I am rambling and this all makes no sense. I feel the need to at least type this all out to get the thoughts out of my head.

Sometimes I wish I had a manual to guide me through this grief....

!0 years though. That is such a long time. A decade. My wedding seems more of a dream than something that actually happened. When I look at pictures I don't even know who that girl is looking back at me.

Normally after 10 years of marriage couples have kids, stable jobs, have bought a home and have a life built.

In my last 10 years I have gotten married, become a widow, lost my way, found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, married him,  had a beautiful baby girl, gone through hell and back with my husband, moved 7 times in 5 years, gone from one branch of service to other, found myself, and had a handsome baby boy. I can honestly say that 10 years ago I never would have seen my life like this.

As great as my life is now and it really is, it doesn't change what has happened in my life and what I still continue to deal with. I still miss him and our life we were just starting. I'm still dealing with people who give me anxiety and post traumatic stress. Even just seeing there names puts a knot in my stomach.

Anyone going through any kind of loss or grief know that even after so many years you still feel it. Something or someone will always be there to bring everything to the surface when you least expect it to. Just continue to live. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and ignore the comments like 'just focus on what you have now', 'don't dwell on it', 'you have come so far, don't look back now'. No one understands what you are going through and how you need to deal with.

                       10 years ago                               

Today

The birth story of our precious baby boy!

Yesterday marked three weeks since the most handsome little man became the final piece to our family.

My journey didn't start three weeks ago though. 37w 2d is when it all started. Tom was still in Louisiana not excepted to come home til the following week. That Wednesday afternoon I started having contractions. I was Skyping with my mom. I had been having them off and on for weeks so I thought nothing of it til they weren't going away. I decided to start timing them. After an hour of consistent contractions I texted my midwife to let her know. She instructed me to time for another hour and see how things were. So I did. Nothing changed. I started to panic a little because it was just Kait and I and I wasn't prepared. My wonderful momma helped me calm down and get me back in the mindset I needed to have. My midwife told me to continue timing and to check back in a couple hours and if they hadn't stopped to take a bath and see if that calmed them down. I decided to make dinner and finish homework with Kaity. Cleaned the kitchen, got Kaity to bed, and took a bath. Still they continued. She decided she was going to come check me and see where I was at. She got to the house around midnight. I was 50% effaced and a +1. My cervix was so far back we couldn't tell if I was dilated or not. We then decided it was time to get Tom home. After getting everything squared away with the Red Cross, Tom was on his way home by the next morning. By the late morning my contractions seemed to slow down a bit so we all decided to get some rest. Tom got home late Thursday night. We made arrangements for his unit to pick him up and brought home and they totally dropped the ball. So at 1:30 AM I had to drive all the to the airport and get him. Once he was home though I was finally able to relax and all my worry went away.

For the next six days I continued to have contractions. They would get super consistent for hours and then just fade. It was quite frustrating and exhausting. Sleep became nonexistent and I had horrible restless legs and feet that kept me up as well. We did just about everything under the sun to get things moving along but little man was obviously still pretty cozy.

May 25 I lost my mucus plug, but still no other progress.

May 26 I went to my chiropractor. She was most likely the key that unlocked the door lol!
Contractions picked up that afternoon around 3 PM and didn't let up. I called my midwife and her and her intern got everything together and were on there way over. (They live on the complete other side of island so they were overly cautious about getting to me. Traffic here is horrible). Once they got here she checked me again and decided they were staying until this baby came! We called my doula and she came as well. Oh and my friend/photographer did too.

We really thought we would have a baby by that morning/afternoon but nope. I labored a lot of the night in the birth pool.

The next morning May 27 everything was still the same. We decided to let my friend/photographer go home to get some rest since we were all up most of the night. We ate breakfast, went for a really long walk, came home and rested a little while. Tom and I went and found some stairs and every ten steps I did a squat or if I had a contraction I would stop and squat. I did that ten times. After lunch we decided to have a dance party to help get my contractions up and consistent again. I used my birth ball. It was actually really fun :) and it worked some too. I did a few different exercises on the ball. After that my midwife started tincture shots. I did one every hour. They were to help keep my contractions steady and help them get stronger. I continued to labor through the evening and night. By late night my contractions were really strong. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I went back and forth laboring from bed to the living room with my ball and night long. My midwife checked me again in the middle of night and the baby had moved back up a little. She couldn't figure out why or why she was having such a hard time finding my cervix. I started to get really defeated. I was having such strong contractions and completely exhausted but nothing seemed to be changing. She told me at that point it was my choice what we wanted to do. I could go to the hospital if I wanted to or stay home and see how things went. I wanted to so badly to accomplish my goal. I didn't want to give up unless in was absolutely necessary. I told her I just wanted to stay home and do this. I will admit after that I started to doubt myself. I had been laboring for so long and just didn't know if I had it in me to go on. The pain was so bad and the thought of some relief was tempting. I laid in bed trying to figure out what would be next for me. This is where my fitness strength came into play. I learned a long time ago how to train my mind. How I could control my thoughts and tell my body what it needed to do. And that's exactly what I did. I told my head that I could do this. That I was strong enough and I would make it to the finish line. I worked really hard for the next couple hours to not use energy in making any noise or movements during contractions. I rested as best as I possibly could. I eventually asked my intern if she could rub my back with oils. The pain in back was the worst! Between her, Tom and my doula they kept me as comfortable as possible.

May 28....We decided to send Kaity to school since we kept her home the day before. When Tom got back I wanted to go back in the pool. I had moved into the phase of labor where I wanted no talking or at least minimal. The water felt amazing! While in the water I really started getting the urge to push. I got the go ahead to just let my body do what it wanted so I started pushing every contraction. After a few pushes I moved the baby down some...right on my tailbone....OUCH!!!! My midwife wanted to do one more check to see my progression and check baby. We went to my bed and got me all set up there. After she checked me  she found one reason things had been taking as long as they did. I had scar tissue on my cervix from when I had Kait. It was making it harder for me to completely dilate. So she used some oils to help with that. At that point we decided to just stay in the bed because I could move around more and be in different positions. I think I tried every position there is lol. Another hour went by and it was time for another check. She finally felt my water bag bulging (I had come to the conclusion my water was never going to break because apparently eating as well as I do made my bag extremely thick and strong) and asked me if it was ok if she just broke it. At that point the dream of my water breaking on its own didn't matter so I said yes! But my water didn't just break....it exploded!!! Haha. It went all over my doula the poor thing. Once we got that over with my contractions were just back to back,  I pushed for about two and a half hours. The baby ended up posterior and kind of got stuck at my tailbone so my midwife  had to help lift his head during a push to get it above the bone. With my doula behind me, Tom at my side encouraging me and cheering me on and the best midwife team we delivered my precious boy right there in my room. Tom caught him and laid him on my chest. At 12:35 PM Parker Thomas Frounfelker made his debut. It was the most beautiful moment in my life. I held him for at least an hour just loving on him and allowing him to latch on his own. We delayed cutting the umbilical cord for two hours. I ended up having to take two tincture shots to stop my bleeding. Because of how long my labor was I had quite a bit of bleeding and it wouldn't stop. After I drank those the bleeding slowed down. After we got cleaned up Tom got Kaity from school and she was able to meet her baby brother. Her and Tom then cut the cord. Then Parker got weighed. I was completely shocked when they told me he weighed 8lbs 1.5oz and was 21in long. I didn't believe them! 

So there you have it! I'm so happy we were able to do this at home. I wouldn't change a thing or the team I had. 

I also chose to encapsulate my placenta and I'm so glad I did. It helped in so many ways.

At three weeks old Parker weighs 10lbs and is breastfeeding great! I have lost 20lbs and so ready to be able to workout again. 

I hope you enjoyed our story. Here are a few pictures for you to enjoy as well.

*Professional photo credit goes to A Little Love Photography 

Why?

Today marks 9 years since my first love was taken from my arms. Taken from the life we planned to live together til we were old and gray. Taken from a Corps he intended to continue to serve proudly. Taken from family who loved him unconditionally.

Matt was a loving man who hated confrontation. He always wanted peace between everyone. He loved those who didn't really deserve it.

In the time we had together all he did was love me. Me being the stubborn one I am I fought it at times because that's who I am, just ask Tom! But no matter what he loved me. He put up with so much to be with me. He was in a war, it may not have included a weapon or leaving my side but it was a war. He fought for our love everyday. He fought for acceptance. He fought for happiness and peace.

Unfortunately 9 years later and the war still hasn't been won. He would be so disgusted. He would hang his head in disappointment. How do I know this? Because I knew him, the REAL him. The one who shared him deepest secrets, his wants and desires, his pains and sorrows, his dreams and wishes.

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As most of you know its been a while since I have written. The last time was in Feb. I kind of took a break after that just to focus on my life and family. I have wanted to write so many times since then but the words were just never there.

This morning I woke up as usual and since it is Matt's anniversary of his death I wanted to write on his memorial page. Well to my surprise I have been blocked. Just a month ago I wrote and posted a pic on the page. So now not only have I have been blocked from personal pages but MY husbands memorial page. Fine block me from the others but why his? Why does anyone feel they have the right or prerogative to block me or delete me?

No one can change that I was his wife. They can all continue to make up their own stories about him and change things to their benefit but it doesn't change the truth.

So please continue to be immature, hateful, and hurtful because why would you all change now?

I will continue to love and cherish what we had. I will keep the memories of him alive and not alter them to make me look better.

I loved him with my whole heart and nothing will ever change that.

As I have said before peace and acceptance is all that has ever been wanted.

Now I will continue my day as planned with my family and maybe even share a few memories on Facebook throughout the day of my Matt <3 p="">

Surprise post!

Hi again!

What?? Two posts in one week? Yes!

I'm going to do something a little different in this post though. 

I have been asked so many times, especially in the last few days...

'How does your husband feel about you still loving your first husband?' 

'How does he cope with all the emotions?'

'How does he feel about you talking about it so much?'

'Doesn't it bother him or make him jealous?' 

'He would have to be a special guy' (On this I can attest. He is :))

Well today he is going to answer those questions himself and tell you his story of all of this.

These are his words not mine. I'm hoping after this you will all have a better understanding of him and our relationship.

Hi. This is Tom. So I am being FORCED to write on the blog post...Haha just kidding!!!! OK, so anyway, Rhena has told me that a lot of people ask her all these questions. So I will answer these questions as best as I can.

So how do I feel about her loving another guy? Well, I can understand how she feels that way because I too lost someone very special in my life and I know that those feelings do not just go away. Plus, its not like she can leave me to be with him...I know that she loves me. She married me. She said the same vows that I said. We have a beautiful child together. 

How do I cope with the emotions? Well, it is my duty as her husband to be with her at all times no matter what, so that's what I do. I need to comfort her and be there for her when she needs me. Plus, I love her more than anything else in the world and I HATE to see her sad or upset. 

About her talking about it. I think its healthy to talk about those moments because I want her to remember those times and cherish them. I would never want her to forget that time in her life. Again, i now how important it is to cherish memories, because you never know what the future holds.

Jealousy......no I do not get jealous when she talks about him or that time in her life. I wasn't even in the picture so why should I get jealous. I can't control her memories or change the past, so it makes no sense to get jealous over something like that. Plus it wouldn't be fair to her to make that situation about me when it clearly has nothing to do with me. The only thing that bothers me is how his family treats her now. if I could drop a bomb on them all and get away with it I would. They infuriate me with how they treat her.

Final question. Yes, I am special. I'm totally awesome!

So there you have it. He is pretty awesome :)

As I have said in the past I know Matt and God chose Tom special just for me. How everything played out it is quite evident. 

Again I want to say these were his words not mine!

Here we are...two imperfect people figuring out this thing called LIFE!

9 years later!

Hello world!

Its been quite a while since I have been around here. So many times I wanted to write but didn't know what to say.

Life sure has had its ups and down the past year, but here I am.

Today marks what would have been 9 years of marriage. Its crazy to me to think I would have been married that long.

But I want to share something I have kept quiet about.

To me this marriage was/is very real. I married this man with the full intention of spending the rest of my life with him. We all know that didn't happen though.

This past February my VERY real marriage to this man was challenged.

As you all know I have had a rough journey with ones in his family. This hasn't been easy nor did I ever want it that way.

Valentines day this year exceeded all past conflicts.

A very private part of me and my beloved was taken from us. Some may say I'm selfish to hold onto pieces of us for only me but I get to be selfish. Plain and simple.

My wedding pictures....

Matt never saw them in person just on the computer. I didn't receive them until a year after our wedding.

So for me these photos were very intimate. Still are.

My wedding day is something I hold onto very close to my heart.

One can only imagine then when logging on to internet to then find ALL of your pictures post for the world to see quite shocking.

I have only ever had that feeling in my stomach one other time and that was when my Matt was taken from me.

And now this.

This is how things have always been. No one ever thinks about how it might affect others or their feelings.

These pictures were not just of me and my husband. There were pictures of lots of others that have died or divorced. Do you really think they wanted to see those either? Probably not!

With all of this I received message and message. Some from friends and family showing support and love. Others not so much.

I have basically been told that because he died our marriage is null and void and he belongs to them.

Just lots of hurtful hurtful things.

Let me just say I have the BEST husband in the world. He stayed by my side the entire day and held me as I sobbed. Since it was Valentines day I had plans to make a special dinner for my family but after all of that I had no more energy to do anything. He decided to get me out of the house and get my mind off of everything. He took both of his girls to dinner :)

We have talked about how to move forward from all of this and slowly we are. Unfortunately some things are going to just take more time but I can't go into that.

9 years later and I never saw things being like this.

I always wonder where we would be in our life, how many kids we would have, what struggles we would have faced, what our love would look like now.

I miss him still so much. Every time I see his face I fall in love with him again. I loved his crooked smile and they way he looked at me.

My vows meant the world to me and just because we aren't physically together doesn't me I can't still hold them dear. They still matter to me. I don't care if they don't mean anything to anything one else.

He was MY husband and no one can take that from me. I get the final say. I make the decisions that concern him.

Because they are mine and I want to here are a few of our special day I would like to share :)

I hope you enjoyed some of my most precious memories :)

Wiping away the dust

I can't believe how long its been since I last wrote! That tells you how my life has been going...
Don't get me wrong life has been great but a little busy!! Being a wife and mom full time plus running a business has kept me more than occupied! I'm so blessed how much my business has grown in last year! Its amazing what word of mouth a little advertising can do! Well instead of rambling here I want to tell the world the awesome things happening in our life now.

If you have followed my blog for a while you know a lot of my story. You know the struggles that Tom and I have experienced...to an extent. To think of where we were just two years ago and where we are now is a complete 180! We have come so far from the couple who almost lost each, or maybe even did for a while, to a couple that is determined to make it to 80 years of marriage! Yes we still have our days but who doesn't. We still struggle trying to find the quiet time for just 'us' but we are doing it, one step at a time. We have made it 5 years! This year was very special to us because today in this world a lot of couples don't make it this far! So to us 5 years is a huge deal!! As I have said many times love is choice and we are choosing every day to keep going>3
Then we have our 4 year old beauty who knows how to keep us searching for the right ways to parent. She has a way of making us feel like we are the biggest failures but then 5 minutes later shows us that we are doing something right. We have found parenting is seriously the most difficult job in the world but has the best rewards. Our girl is so smart and has the most creative imagination. She has a heart that is so open and ready to love. She loves Jesus and has so many questions about him. I really believe God gave her a special heart to have compassion for those who have lost and a way at a young to understand death. She is so curious about Matt and her grandpa(tom's dad). Her mind loves to create a whole new magical world that she pulls Tom and I into. She is so in love with her daddy and call him her prince. I really hope she never loses that. Choosing to just have her as our one and only has made me appreciate my time with her and watch her grow in a different way.

One of the biggest things to happen in my life this year though just happened two months ago.
My sister has come back in my life!! I prayed and prayed and cried and prayed for a year and a half and it finally happened. On a Sunday afternoon I found an email waiting for me that put me in a state of shock that I have only experienced one other time in my life 7 years ago. I didn't know if it was real or a practical joke someone was playing on me. I can tell you it wasn't and in the past two months I have had a hole in my heart start to fill. I truly didn't know if I would ever hear from her again but am so happy that God has brought us back together! The bond between sisters can't never truly be broken! I'm so looking forward to the journey her and I will take together from this point forward!

Lastly is our Army life. As much as we miss the Marine Corps and wish we could still be in it, we are so thankful for the Army and what it has provided for us. We have been at Fort Hood, TX. now for a year and a half and though I really don't like it here I have made the best of it. We have made a lots of great friends that have been like a family and Kaity has had lots of little people to play with. I have learned so much about this life being here and have loved the opportunity to be a big part of Tom's unit.
But.....our time is slowly coming to and end because in just a short six months we will be heading to the beautiful state of HAWAII  for 4 years!!!! To say we are excited is an understatement! We are ecstatic!
We have been waiting 5 years to go back to that paradise never once thinking it would be for more than a week or two!
Moving there is going to bring on a whole new set of adventures for this family mine and we can't wait!  We plan to travel and see as much as we can and allow Kaity to experience a whole new world.
Most of the people that have known me forever might have a heart attack when they hear this but I will probably be taking on homeschooling! Yes I said it out loud for everyone to hear HOMESCHOOLING! So any advice would be greatly appreciated!

So this is our life right now! Crazy busy life and we are loving it!

The happenings of August

This month is a full month. Lots of happy going on but a few sad/bittersweet happenings as well.

 First All the happy:) My hubby is turning the big 28 in 12 days, we have been together 6 years in 3 weeks, gosh I can't believe how time has flown, and lastly princess and I will be going home in 15 days to see my family!

Needless to say we are very busy right now. Hubby working and me trying to get all my clients in before I leave and getting in as much family time in as well.

Then there are the sad/bittersweet moments in this month. Today being one of them. 

Today Matt and I would be married 7 years. 

Its hard to believe seven years ago I was walking down the aisle to say 'I do' to the man I thought I would spend the rest of MY life with. I remember walking to him and never once thinking our happiness could end and I pictured us rocking on our wraparound porch at the age of 70 sipping sweet tea. 

It was at the young age of 19 the best day of my life.

I miss him so.

I wonder sometimes what our life would be like now. How many kids we would have, where we would be, and all the other little details of life.

I miss the way he said 'I can't'. He couldn't say it like a normal person lol he said it with his sexy Kentucky accent. It drove me crazy but I would do anything just to hear him say it one more time.

So today is bittersweet. I will remember the sweetest man and husband that God gave me 7 years ago and all the happiness we shared as a married couple in our short lifetime together. I love you forever and ever MY MATT<3 div="div">

And now to the sad.....

This month will mark one year since the last time I saw or spoke to my sister.

I miss her more than words can describe.

I have told my husband countless times how this feels worse than when Matt died. The reason being that I knew I wouldn't be seeing him again and that death is final, I knew he was gone. With my sister on the other hand, I know she is alive. I know there is the possibility of seeing her again but that she doesn't want to be seen. 

I feel like a part of me has died. 

I was just thinking yesterday that the one person I would call just to talk about nothing with and laugh over the silly things I do, the only one who would understand me in all my weirdness wants nothing to do with me.

There is a constant ache in my stomach when I think of her. I dream of her at least 3 times a week and every dream she comes back into my life.

I long to lay on the bed and her be upside down and laugh til we pee our pants because of how hilarious it is to watch a mouth move upside down! haha

I miss seeing her with my little girl. She has missed so much in this last year of her life. I know she would be so proud of her and just die watching her play and all the silly things she does.

I know God is in complete control over all of this and I just wish He would restore our family.

I question Him everyday why He hasn't. 

I miss her.

At one time in my life August was to be the happiest month of the year. Though through the years this month has brought lots of sadness my God brought me the man that would bring life and happiness back in it. 

Happy birthday my Tom and happy six years of being together:) I love you and thank you for being my light in the darkness.

Reflection

Today as made me reflect on my life in a few different areas. Today this world lost a wonderful wife, and mother. I lost a cousin but more importantly and man lost his wife, a little boy lost him momma, a set of parents lost their daughter, siblings lost their sister, and the list goes on.

With all this it took me back to "that" day. The day I lost my whole world. I have had a knot in my stomach all day thinking about my cousin and the pain he is feeling right now. I hurt so bad for him.

But today has made me remember how precious life truly is and how blessed I really am. Lately I have taken for granted the blessing of being a momma. In day to day life I get caught up in the little things that annoy me or the things my little one does that turn nice mommy into not so nice mommy. Lately I have sent my little girl to her room because I have been exhausted instead of embracing the moments I get to be here mommy. As a wife I have taken for granted the love my husband has for me. I realize I need to kiss him more and tell him over and over how much I love him. I also thought about all my family I don't talk to very often and want to make more of an effort to keep communication open with all of them.

But now tonight at almost 2 in the morning I can't stop looking at my sister's wedding slide show. The happiness on her face, the love I see in her eyes, and the love between her and I. Life is really too short to hold grudges and allow distance to grow between each other. Each day that passes I miss my sister more and more but there is nothing I can do but pray. I have let go of any anger built up and forgiven everything and those who really know me, know that isn't the kind of person I am. But with her its different. I would do anything to put things back to the way they used to be. I long to have my sister back. Every day it feels like she has died but worse because she hasn't.

So don't let tomorrow come before telling the ones you love how much they mean to you. Mend broken relationships if you have the opportunity too. You just might not have another chance!

Missing you

Missing you tonight......not really for any reason in particular.

I keep seeing your little grin in my mind and hear the cute way you said your words.

It all brings a smile to my face but for some reason my heart is aching.

I have so much to be thankful for and I love my life but right now I just want YOU.

Some may not understand and that is ok.

Sweetheart can you do me a favor tonight?

I need to see you and feel you. Even if its just a glimpse. You haven't come to visit me in a while in my dreams and right now I need you to.

Matthew Nathanael I miss you so much right now.....I know I'm saying it over and over right now but I do. ~

This is my heart tonight so those that have a quick second please say a prayer for a peace to come over me to rest easy.

Our Christmas choice

So it seems there has been a lot of talk about Santa and Baby Jesus lately. It has caused me to do a lot of soul searching and figuring out what I believe.

My parents decided when I was young that they would tell me the 'truth' about Santa and that they are the ones that made Christmas happen. Their reasoning behind it was they were taught through the church that it was like lying to me and if they were going to lie to me about Santa then I would question what they taught me about Jesus since I couldn't see him either. Honestly it didn't hurt me at all knowing the truth and I wasn't heart broken. I wasn't one of those kids that went around and told all the others kids Santa wasn't real. My parents explained that some kids believed and it wasn't my place to tell them otherwise.

As a child though I did look at Santa as kind of 'bad' because, how dare he lie to all those children!

Just to clarify I believe my parents were doing what they thought was right for my brother and I by telling us the truth.

Tom on the other hand grew up with Santa in their home. He says he knew at a young age he wasn't real because he snuck in his parents closet and found the presents! (he was naughty as a little boy he he) I remember the first Christmas Tom and I were together his mom wrote 'from Santa' on some of my presents and it felt weird because I had never had presents say that before! My presents always had a reindeer name on them(my mom gave us a reindeer name every year and we didn't find out which one we were til Christmas morning:)).

So our little bug actually understands the Christmas thing this year and up until this year I had it in my mind we were going to tell her the truth but still "pretend" just for fun. But after much thought and reading we together have decided that we are going to do the whole Christmas thing. Every part of it and I'm probably more excited than my three year old!

We are going to do Santa and baby Jesus. I believe that it is perfectly fine for her to believe a nice old man brings her presents. We will teach her the history of St. Nick as she gets older when she can understand. She will also know about Jesus and the manger. I feel that her believing in a white bearded man will not affect her believing in the One who will save her one day.

So Tom has agreed to get a Santa suit and actually put her presents under the tree after she has gone to bed just in case she peeks:) He will eat her cookies she makes every year and drink the Pepsi she puts out. ( our Santa only drinks Pepsi...a tradition Tom's dad started when they were kids) We will leave footprints and reindeer tracks. I can't wait to pretend and be a kid all over again!

December # 6

Its December. The month I dread every year. Its been almost six years and this year seems to be harder than last year.

Maybe its because I'm starting a whole new life here in Texas so a lot of little memories have been surfacing of when Matt and I moved to Missouri. You see, this is mine and Tom's first 'real' move away from family. I haven't lived outside of California since I moved back almost six years ago so I have always had my family to hold me close and support me during this time of year.

Maybe its because we are settled now and I have a lot of time now to think about my life and how different things are going to be now. Training, deployments, and such. So nervousness is setting is as well.

Or maybe its that Matt's sister just had her second baby and it is a little boy who they have named after him. I have watched all the little videos of this new beginning of theirs and am so happy for them but can't help but look at all the videos and pictures and think of all Matt is missing. I know he would have loved these to precious angels his sisters has now and I know how much he loved kids so he would have been a great uncle. And then part of me wishing I could have a small part in their lives to share the part of their uncle with them that I hold so dear.

Through all of this though, I have a wonderful husband who is focusing so much on helping me through all of this 'stuff' this year. I know he feels as though he isn't doing a good enough job but what he doesn't realize is that him just sitting and holding me and giving the little kiss on my forehead is all I really need right now. I just need to know I'm loved and that my feelings are being taken care of and he really is doing just that!

So as I struggle through this month I ask anyone who reads this to please just say a little prayer for me. My family needs me and I want to make this year special since it will just be the three of us for Christmas, but I sure am feeling weak in the strength department.

Bosom Friends

If I turned the clock back.....

I didn't want you there. I didn't want to share. I liked it just being me. You weren't in my plan. I wanted my mom to myself.

I disliked you so much to the point of hate. God had other plans for us though.

It was soccer season again and it was made very clear we were to be on separate teams because we didn't get along.

Some how we ended up on the same team. We learned to work together as teammates which turned into working together as friends and then as sisters. We became best friends and we inseparable.

We experienced everything together. You were the one I told all my secrets to. We would lay on our beds one of us upside down and laugh till our stomachs hurt because of how are faces looked upside down. No one else understood it but us. We planned our futures together of being hairstylists on cruise ships and opening a cafe with a skate park inside. We wanted to go to military school together and pretended for weeks we really were there! You taught me to dance and roller blade. We liked the same boy forever and talked of our dream guys we would marry. We said we would always be together.

You were the one I told about my first kiss and I for you. We held each other when we were hurting. I fell so in love with you as my bosom friend.

We never shared clothes or shoes but we shared our intermost desires.

I always wanted a little sister and God gave me you. I might not have been bigger than you in size but I was your big sister:)

You were there the day  I said 'I Do' to my first love and you were the only one who could help me make it through some of the worst moments when I lost that love. You took care of me and kept me safe when I was wandering. I was there beside you the day you said 'I Do'. We may have grown distant during that time but I never stopped loving you and wishing you and I were the way we used to be.

You were there when I said 'I Do' the second time to my soulmate (even if you were barefoot)!
You were there the day I brought my angel into this world and I watched you fall in love with her the way I did.

I have always looked up to you for being so strong and making it through everything you have.

You saved me from making so many mistakes and you helped save my marriage.

I never ever thought 'what if you never existed?' Not until now.
What if I didn't have all those memories?
What would my life look like?

It would have been so empty.....the way it feels now without you. You have just left! Without saying goodbye. I miss you so much and wonder if I will ever see you again. Will I ever get answers to questions I have? Will my little girl who adores you so ever truly know you the way I do?

I want you back in the worst way. You will always be my sister and I will always love you.

chapters life

We all have chapters we go through in life. Some short others very long. Some are extremely happy and some are very sad. There are boring chapters and normal chapters.

Looking back most of my life has had normal chapters. The past 6 years has brought the extremely happy yet very sad chapters. Some say by now I should be "over" all of this and no longer talking about it or bringing up things from the past. Well I'm here to tell you all that I will never be "OVER" this nor do I want to be. It has defined who I have become and why would I want to change that.
To get over something is essentially forgetting it. So what they are really saying is forget the past six years like they never happened! NO!!!!!!!!!!
God has finally brought me to the spot He has been trying to get me to for a while now. He has been throwing huge hints at me for a few years but I have been to afraid to take them. I felt like if  I completely let go then I was forgetting my first love. What I have learned is that closing this chapter and letting go is not forgetting him at all. Instead I'm letting go of the chains and holding onto the love and memories 'we' had. No one can ever take that from me! I have no bitterness anymore and haven't for a while now just to clear that up. And I'm not hurting anyone I love anymore either because I have chosen to get help and work through my problems not just forget them!
I will always love the people in my chapters but a good book always has an ending. My book is still being written but the longest chapter is finally done! I can't tell you how relieving it is to say that.
I have wanted this for so long just didn't know how to get there. I'm glad the action has finally been taken and I can finally focus on what is right in front of me....my little family<3 Thomas James Frounfelker and Kaitlynn Irhena Frounfelker I love you both with every part of my being.

Matthew Nathanael Payne....you will always be in my heart and I will always love you. You know where you are in our family and the place where you sit. Tom, Kaity and I will forever be grateful for you because without you we wouldn't have our family. Kaity will know you and love you for what you have given her. Tom will forever appreciate the person you helped me become and for allowing him to love me. And I my love will NEVER forget the love we shared and the special memories we made. We were a true family you and I and you will always be a part of the family I have now.

Present and future show me what you are holding for me...Past you no longer have a hold on me or my family!

If you have a chapter you are holding onto its ok. In time you will have the peace to let it go and move forward. Until them forgive yourself and give yourself permission to finish the chapter in your time!

When did "we" change?

I don't normally talk of religion or beliefs in a setting like this but lately that has been on my mind.....

I grew up in a Christian home, with loving Christian parents. We were in the church every time the doors were open, we went to the Christian school, and we were all in ministries.
At the age of 17 I got the assurance of my salvation because of the many doubts I had along the way plus I never remember there being a moment in time I asked my Saviour into my life.
After graduating high school and getting married a year later I moved to a little town with my new husband. We went to the church we were expected to go to since his father was the pastor and all. It was nothing I had ever experienced in my life. So very different in so many ways.
Once I went back to my home town I went to the church I was raised in once again. That is when things started to change for me.
I really kind of stopped going after a while one because I got tired of people asking me how I was doing, two it was just plain to hard!
Being away started to really make me think about a lot of things though.
I have always wanted to raise my children in church because that is where I learned so much about Jesus. But when did we start thinking that the only way for our little ones to learn the stories and verses was in sunday school or the mid week sessions?
When did it become ok to put people on some pedestal and expect so much from then just because of who they are?
I believe the Bible says we are all equal in HIS eyes and therefore should be treated as such.
When did being a Christian mean that you had to dress a certain way, look a certain way and if you anything but that, you are worldly?


Recently I was told that the godly Rhena they knew would never say anything about anyone even if is was true and that they looked up to me as their role model of a godly young lady. 
What did I do to put myself in a position to be thought of this way with such high expectations?
I have always been very real and outspoken and I do admit that that has gotten me in trouble at times. 


I love my Jesus with all my heart and He has shown Himself more to me in the last year than ever before. But me loving Him does not mean that I must live up to certain expectations for others. I don't want to be the one that gets put in a box and looked at a certain way. I want people to know and see that Jesus has loved me despite all I has done and that through Him loving me, I have a love for Him that shows through my kindness to others, a forgiving spirit(still working on that one), a loving touch, and a desire to serve Him in the way HE sees fit. I will never be perfect and nor do I really strive to be but I do strive to be like my Jesus.  He didn't care where the poor man walked, He still walked beside him, He didn't care what the prostitute wore, He still loved her, so why do we judge on what is on the outside instead of the heart?


My prayer is that we love the heart of a man not his exterior. 
Yes people stumble, we say things we don't mean or without thinking, but we also say the truth and are shunned for it. 
Maybe this makes no sense and quite honestly I'm still trying to make sense of it all as well but I know I am loved despite myself and that He will never stop loving me no matter what!

Finding Love

I have decided its time!!! I have been telling my my "whole" story since I started my blogging journey and now I'm going to jump ahead a few leaps and hurdles!!!

This morning I read a post from a "soul sister" of mine and it spoke volumes. I felt like she was writing my heart for last two years!

As most of you know I was widowed at 19 and met my present husband 6 months later. What you don't know nor did my husband or I was that when we met he didn't really meet the real me!

He met an illusion of me but not the real person. I didn't know this at the time and to be honest just realized it within the last few weeks.

Though I seemed available emotional I was not!

I gave my "heart" to him and "fell in love".

After we got married something changed in me. I didn't "feel" for him the way I had when we first met. One month after our wedding we found out we were pregnant. As excited as I was something just wasn't right.

For the last 3 1/2 years I have dealt with this "feeling".

On my daughter's first birthday I decided in my heart I wanted to leave. We had been married almost 2 years at the time. Our marriage was falling apart and so was our life.

He wasn't the same person when we met and neither was I. I didn't know the person I saw in the mirror and he didn't either. He had no intention of leaving me and really didn't know how serious I was about leaving. No one was but one good friend.

But I stayed! Physically that is. I didn't want to be touched by him, kissed, or even looked at for that matter. I had decided to stay for our daughter, at least that is what I kept telling myself. But deep down when I imagined my life without him I would break. I didn't know why considering I wanted nothing to do with him.

I felt aweful, sick most of the time.

What had I done! I met this great guy who loved me for me, whatever that meant and here I was not knowing what I wanted.

Looking back I know now that "I" wasn't ready but God was. He knew what He was doing.

Yes love is a choice! Not everyone has come to that place of having to choose yet but it will happen.

I chose to stay from day one because I knew it was the "right" thing to do but my heart was never in it.

As I write this I feel aweful because I know how blessed I am to have been given a second chance at love. I promised myself almost 6 years ago that I would never take for granted what I have and for the last 3 plus years I have. Those of you that have met my husband know how great and special he is and probably think how horrible I am for treating him this way. I feel that way too!

Almost a year ago I finally realized that I needed help. I had a lot of unfinished grieving that I never dealt with and I saw where it was leading me and my family. So for the last year I have been growing, not always fun by the way, but definitely worthwhile. My husband and I also started a business which brought a lot of things about us to the forfront of our relationship.

I have cried, got angry, cursed, screamed, and laughed through this year long journey.

I am so very happy to tell you that I have found "me"! I am becoming the woman I still strive to be!

My husband left July 5th for the Army and to be honest at that point I was still happy he was leaving. I felt we needed a break. It only took me saying goodbye at the hotel entrance to realize what I was walking away from.

An amazing husband

wonderful daddy

I can tell you today that it took that for me really to finally choose.

I choose him!

I choose his love!

I choose his touch!

I choose his kiss!

I choose his smile!

I choose him!

I have never been more in love in my life! Just the thought of him gives me goose bumps:)

Its been 37 days since I saw him last and I have 48 more to go.

Choose love...Will it always be easy?? NO! Will it always be worth it?? YES!!!!!!!!

I married a man Feb 2, 2008 but I fell truly in love with him July 6 2011!

He literally is the best thing that has ever happened to me and can't wait to be 80 years old and still this "in love" with him<3

Change

Life is about change right???......well of course it is! Do we always like change????.....probably not!!!!!

Over the last 5 1/2 years my life has brought lots of change. Actually my entire life has had lots of change now that I think about it.

But something has "changed" through all this current change.

I have never been good with change and have always tried to resist it. I think that is how most of us are programmed. We like security and stability. (at least i do)

To elaborate a little......when I was a little girl anytime we went on a trip or someone came to visit I would get so worked up and excited and nervous I would get sick. As I got older it turned into anger or being weepy and I wanted the attention.

A good example is when my sister came to live with us. I truly despised her and wanted nothing to do with her. I became very angry and emotional and clingy to my mom since she now wasn't giving all her attention to me! Very selfish I know but my life had also been turned upside down along with everyone else and this was my way of coping with it. The older I've gotten the worse it has become.

Losing my husband was what pushed me over the edge. I did not know how to cope with that "change" and didn't seek guidance as to how I should deal with such a loss. All I knew to do was be angry, bitter, deeply sad and hurt, and bury it deep inside my soul. In doing all of those things the last five years I hurt many and myself. I have missed out on so much in life. It has taken almost losing my family(will give details in upcoming posts) to finally realize all of this.

In this last year of my life I have come to the realization that change is necessary for growth. The problem is that most of us don't look at change this way. We look at it as a wall to our happiness instead of a bridge to bliss.

I have always disliked people critiquing me and correcting me when wrong. Through counseling and personal development and my gracious Jesus I am now embracing it. I need those things to grow and better myself. I need life coaches that will be honest even when it hurts.

This is the new me.....I am learning to love who I am becoming. I am actually happy with the person inside me and excited where life is going.

I LOVE the changes right now because it means something new and fresh is on the horizon.

Change is what life is really about but what we do with it is even more important.

If you are going through adversity right now I'm excited for you!!!! Why you ask??? Because it shows the world what you are made of!!

Most people wonder "who is this woman now??" I am Rhena Noel Frounfelker! I am the wife to an amazing husband who is patient and loving when I don't deserve it, one who fights for our freedom in this country and in our home, I am a mommy to a beautiful, smart, imaginitve little angel who has showed me life is full of hope and love, she brings the best out of me and encourages me to be a better follower of my Jesus, and last but certainly not least I am one who is trying to make a difference in others lives in every way possible.

I love the woman I am becoming....and.....that my friends.....is a HUGE accomplishment!!! I no longer will be taken advantage of, hurt, abused(emotionally), or be wronged by any human being......doesn't mean people won't try but they WILL NOT succeed!!!!

Part 17

After a week of being in paradise we had to come back to reality!

Tom went back to work a few days after we got home and I settled into be a 'wife' again.

It was exciting yet scary being a wife again.......I had a lot of memories start coming back and I worried every day and still do by the way, that he wouldn't be coming home.

On that note.....because of everything that had happened to me already Tom and I had decided that we weren't going to wait to start a family. We wanted to get pregnant as soon as possible!

In our minds we figured it would take a few months because that seemed to be how it is for most people.

Well 28 days later was the beginning of a HUGE new chapter in both of our lives!

**************

I had my annual Dr.'s appointment that day and when asked if I could be pregnant I said yes and then was offered a pregnancy test. I declined because I didn't want to be let down in front of anyone and because I figured it was too soon to tell. I went home later that day and ended up giving in because my body up to that point had been like clock work when it came to all the "girly" stuff and nothing had happened yet!

So I got a test and did it.....I waited the three forever long minutes in my bathroom.

................."NO" I said out loud...."Its has to be wrong"....."Really?".....



I started crying with excitement and unbelief.

Tom was still at work so I immediately called him.

"Hi, guess what?"



"What?"



"Well, I took a test and.....it came back positive!!!!!"



"What?.....Are you sure?"



"Yes I'm sure!"



"Well maybe you should wait to get all excited until you can go to the Dr. and get one from them."



"Really? That is all you can say?"



So obviously Tom was in shock! He didn't quite respond the way I would have liked him to and at the time it really hurt my feelings that he wasn't as excited as I was!

I went back to the Dr. the next day and did a test.



On my way home I got a call and they said it was negative! I was sooo upset! (I still think they switched my sample with the girl that put hers in next to mine!)

I called Tom crying with the news and he said not to worry about it because it was just the first try!

Yeah whatever!!!!! I went back to walmart and I got four more tests and went home and did them all!

All of mine came back positive!!! I was so confused! How could all of my tests come back positive and their one test come back negative! So I called the Dr.'s office back and told them I wanted a blood test to confirm.



The next day I went back to the doctor's and had blood drawn. They told me the Dr. had up to 72 hours to give me my results so I just had to wait for the phone call.

Really?????? I had to wait up to 72 hours?????? I was going to die!!!!

I called the next day and they didn't have the results yet.....I called the next day and still no results.......

The third day I called and still nothing!!!!!!

That same day it was almost 4:30pm, which is when the Dr. office closed, I was a mess. It was Friday so now I pretty much told myself I was going to have to wait the whole weekend to find out!

4:25pm.......the phone rang! I answered it and to my SURPRISE......it was the Dr.!!!!!!!!

She said she had my results! The way her voice sounded on the other end didn't sound promising......but........I was told I was definitely PREGNANT!!!!!

She said she had no idea how they got my test wrong in the first place because I was certainly pregnant.

I was about six weeks along!!!!!

So a few days before that i had t-shirts made that said grandma-to-be and grandpa-to-be. That was how we planned to tell our parents.

The only hold up was that we had to send one of them to Ohio to his mom! So now we still had to wait the weekend!

Monday couldn't come fast enough! But it did finally come:)

I have to tell you I think I did a very good job of keeping it a secret! I only told one person besides Tom of course that I was pregnant. I knew she wouldn't tell anyone else and I just had to get it off my chest!

So when Tom got home from work Monday late afternoon we waited for his mom to call us to let us know she had received the package and then we went over to my parents house.

We had Tom's mom on the phone and we handed my parents their boxes. We told them all they could open them.......and surprise your going to be grandparents!!!!!!

They were all thrilled and wanted to know everything:)

We then of course called our siblings and told them. My parents didn't want us to tell the rest of the family til our weekly family night. So the next family night my mom and dad wore their shirts and we surprised the rest of the family!

~~~~~~

I would say I was pretty fortunate throughout my pregnancy. I had no morning sickness and no complications.

The nine months went by slow then fast and then slow then fast and well I think you get the point!

We decorated in classic pooh for the nursery. My mom and I painted the room and she painted a mural on the wall of pooh with his friends and a big tree. I loved her nursery sooo much!

I had a huge baby shower and I got lots and lots of fun stuff! My child definitely wasn't wanting for anything!

~~~~~~~~

Kaitlynn Irhena Frounfelker was due Nov. 4th which happened to be election day that year.

The beginning of Oct. I started having contractions but nothing to strong. My doctor released me to fly to Ohio for my sister-in-laws wedding at 36 weeks!!!

When we got back I think we went to labor and delivery like three times and every time they sent us home!

On Oct. 25th we went down to the lower desert for a nice evening together. We went to dinner and window shopping. We had a really good time:)

While we were out I started having some contractions and they were getting stronger through the evening. By the time we got home they were pretty strong. So we went out to L&D, this time I was dilated a little bit more but not enough to stay so we went home again.

Oct. 26th was a Sunday, we stayed home from church to rest and then we went for a nice long walk around the neighborhood. It was my parents anniversary so we met the family for lunch at a restaurant in town. The entire time we were there I was having contractions. Again they were getting stronger. My sister kept count the whole time to see how close together they were.

Once we got home I layed down and I continued to have them. We kept count the rest of the day and evening. I took a nice bath that night and then eventually went back to L&D to get checked. I was dilating more but still not enough. So again we went home. They gave me some tylenol with codine for the pain and to help me sleep comfortable.

It didn't work at all!!!!! I tossed and turned all night!!!! I was in sooo much pain.

Tom had to get up really early that morning to go to work, poor guy. We didn't get home from the hospital that night till close to midnight.

So at about 4:30am or 5:00am I got out of bed and went out to the couch. I was having the worst contractions.....I thought I was going to die!!!!!!!

I finally called my mom, barely able to talk, I told her I needed her to come over and sit with me.

The way I could even get close to handling the pain was to get on my hand and knees and rock back and forth( I know way to much info). When my mom pulled into the driveway she said she could hear me clearly in the driveway!!!! I was in agonizing pain!!!! My poor dog was sitting in the corner of the other couch shaking in fear!!lol she was soo scared!

Once my mom came in the house and saw me she said it was time to go to the hospital. I told her I didn't want to go because they were just going to send me home again. She said not this time they won't trust me!!!!

So we called Tom to have him come home and to our surprise he was already on his way. His work told him he could go back home to get some rest since he had been at the hospital most of night. Haha rest....thats funny...we haven't had rest since that day!!!!lol Just kidding:)

So my mom went and got my dad and granny and then met us back at our house. We loaded up and headed for the hospital. That 30 minute drive seemed like hours.

Every little bump seemed like a crater we went over!!!!

Made it to the hospital in one piece. Walked ALL the way to the elevator and went up to the maturinty floor. They checked me(I was between a 6 & 7), admitted me, broke my water(now realize how unnecessary that was), got a little shot to help me relax for an hour.......OMG that was soooo awesome!!!!

My goal was to not get an epidural no matter what!!!(except an emergency)

Unfortunately that didn't happen.....Once they broke my water my contractions started getting much stronger and my body started to really tense up so I wasn't dilating the way I should have been. So the dr. decided to put me on pitocon. I realized then that I couldn't do it without the epidural. I knew how strong my contractions were going to get and i was so exhausted i couldn't do it. So I was given the epi and within 45 min. I was pushing out our little angel:)

Stay tuned.........

MIA

Wow....I didn't realize how long I have been gone!!!!

Its been two months since I have even logged into my blog!!!

Life has definitely been super busy.....very thankful....but crazy busy!!!

My hubby and I are building a new business and that is taking up most of our time these days:) Then we have a crazy two and a half year old that is keeping us on our toes! Tom is also preparing to leave for army school in July.

Along with all of those things going on there are the daily challenges we all face. Some bigger than others. The last two months have been huge growing months for me and although they have been tough I have appreciated them. I truly believe diversity shows you who you really are.

I'm so thankful I have a husband who is so patient and understanding through everything. He is helping me through probably the toughest things I have faced since my first husband died.

Hopefully soon I will be able to share everything without wanting to start bawling and get heated up inside.

My story will continue shortly....I really want to strive to post once a week. I will do my best to stick to that:)

3 years

Its definitely been a while since i have posted anything here. Life has been very busy and i'm just rolling with it!!!! I plan to continue my story shortly and to update you all with what has been taking place in our life!



But today I want to talk about my awesome, wonderful, loving, understanding, patient husband.



Today is our three year anniversary!!!!! As I was laying in bed this morning I was thinking back to that wonderful and happy day!



It was very cold and cloudy. It was exactly what I wanted! A beautiful wintery day:)



On that day I became Mrs. Thomas Frounfelker! I LOVE my last name!



I love the uniqueness of it, the fact that no one can pronounce it right or spell it!



I love that I get to carry his name forever!!!!



This last year of our marriage has been extremely tough and iIthought of giving up at times(will explain in up coming posts).



But here I am today still holding on and pushing through.



My husband is so brave to be with me. He has stuck around when most men would have left. He is sooo patient with me and loves me despite ME!!!!



I'm definitely excited to see what this next year has in store for us. I'm falling in love with him all over again and I am enjoying every minute of it!



He is my best friend and I can't imagine living my life with anyone else!



Thomas James Frounfelker.......I love you with ALL my heart and I promise to give myself to you forever!!!



I meant the vows I said to you three years ago and I will uphold my promise as long as I live!



You and our beautiful little angel are my reason for living and I will strive to make you both as happy and I can make you:)



Happy Anniversary sweet heart! FOREVER AND ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!