Part 6

NOT a dream!!!!! This is reality. Eyes still swollen....head pounding....weak body.



Today was the viewing. The viewing of my once alive husband.



The day I had to stand before tons of people , some who hardly even knew him, and watch as they cried.

My best friend's husband got in that morning. Honestly I don't know what we would have done without him!!!! He definitely was our stability. It must have been the Marine coming out of him. lol

So we got ready and headed over to my in laws. Almost every family member was there. Everyone hugged and cried. Some laughed in conversation.......How could anyone be laughing at a time like this????????? I kept asking myself.

It was time.....I didn't want to go. Going meant it was real.

I hadn't seen him since the hospital. I was as nervous as I was when he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I walked through those doors feeling so weak. It was so quiet.

I was given the opportunity to go see him alone before everyone got there. I was so scared to walk in there. My mom went in with me and we cried together, we just stared. Noticing how different he looked. It wasn't him. He was gone. He was in a better place and I can't even tell you how evident it was just by looking at him. It was just a body that looked like him.

The funeral director did a really nice job on his makeup and everything but his lips didn't look like his lips anymore. They just looked like wax. He had dark circles under his eyes from having head trauma and his hands...oh his hands. He always had very strong hands, they weren't fat but they were full. Well not that day, not anymore. They were so small that his wedding ring didn't even fit anymore.

Once I was ready my mom left me alone with him. I had written him a letter. I read it to him as if he were really listening. I honestly don't even remember everything I wrote but I know it said things about my love for him and how I missed his touch, his smell, his kiss, and just him! I told him I was trying to be strong but I how weak I felt. When I was done I tucked it in right next to him where no one else would be able to find it. Then I just sat...sat right next to him and waited for him to just move....just a little please!!!! I talked, I cried, I got angry, I laughed, and cried some more.

People started showing up. They all gathered inside. I stood next to his parents up at the front next to the casket. They formed lines to give their condolences.

I felt like a ghost standing there. Barely anyone acknowledged me. It was as if I didn't even exist. All I heard were people telling his parents how sorry they were that they lost their son. Um....HELLO...what about me!!! I lost him too you know. The man that made me whole, the one who protected, loved me, made fun of me. Don't I count?????? I just wanted to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After what felt like hours it was time to go home. Another good friend of mine drove in to see me and be with me. We talked alone for a while and she gave me the news that she was getting a divorce. Just what i needed at a time like this.

I was so exhausted that I actually slept quite well that night.

~~~~~*~~~~~

Today was the funeral. The day it was all going to be over for good. The day I put him in the ground forever.

My best friend did my hair for me. I wanted to look beautiful...for him. I wore the black sweater that he bought me for my only birthday that we celebrated together and a black skirt with red roses on it that was his favorite. I know Christians don't believe you should wear black to a funeral because you should be rejoicing that they are in a better place, but I was NOT rejoicing at all. I didn't want him to be in heaven yet. We were going to go together in our sleep when we got old. So yes I wore black because I was mourning, not happy in any way!

I have to share this because it was so precious. My mom probably won't appreciate it but she will understand. We were all ready to go and my mom came in my room to put her shoes on or something and looked in the mirror and then looked at me with a blank stare. "I can't wear this!!!!" "How awful of me!!!" she said crying. "Why mom?" "What is wrong with what your wearing?" I asked. "It's purple...purple...he hated purple!" "I'm such a horrible person," she added. "Mom it's ok, he won't even care." I tried to reassure her it was ok but she ended up changing. (He really did hate purple though)lol

We drove to the funeral home...again. I was so ready to be done with that place.

When we got there, there were so many people. I didn't know hardly any of them. A lot of people came from the college he had gone to and then there were family friends that I hadn't met yet.

As I walked in the door I was directed to a room that was filled with faces and uniforms that were so familiar and comforting. The room was full of his friends from his duty station. I felt so blessed and special that they all travelled from Kansas to Missouri just for Matt. I thanked each and every one of them personally and we all hugged and cried together.

Now it was time to see the person that I longed to see but also procrastinated seeing because I knew how hard it was going to be.....Matt's best friend. As soon as I saw him I just clung to him with his arms around me. His face was full of sadness and shock. He didn't even want to look at Matt. It was just too hard.

After everyone was seated I took my seat up front where everyone could see me. I cried through the whole thing. It was like an out of body experience.

When it was over they started to excuse everyone and told me I could have one more moment before they closed the casket. They handed me his Bible and his wedding ring then I went up and just stared, I really couldn't believe that this was the last time I was ever going to look at his face or touch his body. And then I just lost it. I started sobbing and I just fell on him and gripped his clothing. I didn't want to let go, i didn't want close this part of my life forever. NO...NO....NO...NO.....please just come back....that's all I could say. I finally collapsed and my best friend's husband was there to catch me. He pretty much carried out of the room. I was just so weak I felt like I could die right there.

They had a limo waiting outside for us. They shut down the roads just for us and we had a police escort. It was very special.

We pulled up to the grave and everyone was already waiting for us. As I got out of the limo it started to snow. It was as if the angels were weeping with us. It snowed from the beginning of the graveside service to the end.

I took my seat inside the tent they had set up for family, and the pastor said a few words and then everyone started to sing his favorite hymn. It was beautiful. The harmony was amazing. They all sang just for him. Then it was time for the military portion. The hardest part for me.

The trumpet played, then they fired their rifles (which I can't even tell how that feels) then they folded his flag. It was the saddest part of the whole thing I think. We all know marines are supposed to be strong and emotionless but not today.....as they folded that flag tears just streamed down their faces. They weren't just folding a flag for anyone it was their friend, their fellow marine, one of their brothers. He handed me the flag just as you see in movies and said words to me that were only meant for he and I to hear. He saluted and then walked back to his post. I held onto that flag with so much pain and love. That was all I had left of my marine. (It now rests in a beautiful case my grandparents had made for me last Christmas.)

It was time to lower him down and let me tell you he put up a fight!!!!lol He was always so stubborn and that day was no different.

Its done....he is laid to rest.

We all left and headed to the church for a "potluck" in which I ate no food. I sat there and watched as people talked and caught up on life and laughed. Everyone still had a life to talk about.....people getting married, graduating college, having babies, going on trips and me.....well I just sat on my mom's lap and thought about what I wouldn't have, the babies, the trips, the memories.

Again that day left me completely exhausted and I fell right to sleep that night.

The next day brought a whole other journey. I had to get an attorney to try to sue the company that killed my husband. We drove all the way to St. Louis and met with someone who would later drop my case and fall off the face of the planet!

The day after that I headed back to California with my family.

..........................Part 7 shortly....................................