Part 5

I see my father-in-law coming out and there is an unfamiliar face walking behind him.


"What is going?" I was thinking to myself.


So he walks up to us and is just shaking his head and starts crying.....he puts his arms around us and then she starts crying. Me: still trying to figure out what is going on!


Why is everyone crying????? I just wanted to see my husband!


Little did I know the man walking behind Matt's dad was the coroner who also happened to be my sister-in-law's boyfriend's dad, hence the reason everyone was crying.


They knew. Knew life would never be the same now.


But i didn't. I had no idea what was going on at that moment.


As I pulled away my dad-in-law said he didn't make it. He's gone.


The mother of her child starts sobbing in disbelief.


"Four months, that's all I got, four months," were the first words out of my mouth.


Shock, denial, disbelief, anger, sadness, and every other emotion imaginable came out of us.


It took me 45 minutes to cry. My first reaction which is going to sound horrible was laughing. That's all I could get to come out.


Now what was I going to do. I was a widow at 19 and didn't have anything.



"I want to know everything!" I said to the coroner.



"The machine your husband was working on malfunctioned and flew out and hit him in the head causing him to also fly backwards onto the ground. The piece of machinery that hit him cut the main artery on his brain and killed him instantly," were the words he told me.



I called my parents. Still unable to cry. My parents didn't believe me, it had to be a joke right. NO not a joke at.


My husband was gone! Just like that gone. No more kisses, no more hugs, no special moments, no more I love yous, no more memories to make.


There was not going to be a future, no children, no "plans", no happily ever after.


I had just been robbed of my life, my whole being.


Nobody asked me what I wanted or if this was ok with me.



My mom told me I needed to tell my sister. The person that held all my secrets. The one who was always there for me through everything.


"I'm so so so sorry sister," she said to me.


"You have to be strong for you and for Matt."


"You know he wouldn't want you to be sad, you know he would want you to think about all your happy memories and the love you shared," she continued.

It wasn't till I spoke to her that i cried. I cried and cried and sobbed.

I now had to make the decision whether or not I was going to go back and see him. They told me they had cleaned him up and covered the injury.

Do I really want to see him though? Do I want to keep the last memory of his face from earlier that evening and let it be or do I say my last goodbye to my one and only?

My sister urged me to see him so I would have closure. So I did.

As I walked out of the little grieving room I was shaking, nauseated, and weak.

"Will you stay on the phone with me?" I asked my sister.

"Of course I will," she said.

"I won't leave your side."

So I walked down the hall and into a white room with a curtain concealling the bed which my beloved lay.

Then I saw him laying there so peaceful with his eyes closed. He had to just be sleeping right?

So touched him. I grazed my hand along his cold cheek. I laid my head on his chest to hear his strong heart beat, but there was nothing, not a sound. No movement at all.

I kissed him all over and felt his body.

Then I just had to leave. I couldn't be in there anymore. I ran out and collapsed to the floor weeping. Why? Why? Why?

My sister-in-law helped pick me and walk me out to the lobby. There a doctor was waiting for me to sign a paper saying I was letting his body go.

"Do you want to give his organs away?" he asked me.

"Absolutely not! Don't you dare touch him!" I said angrily.

As I stood there knowing I was letting go forever I heard so much talk going on. The coroner talking to the funeral director, people on the phone telling other family members what had just happened. It was just to much.

Nobody asked me anything. I just stood there frozen and shaking. I'm sure I was white as a ghost.

It was time to leave. Leave my once breathing husband. Leaving all my dreams behind.

We drove back to his parents house. His dad went to Matt's work and got his truck and the rest of his belonging that were still there.

More phone calls were made. I had more family and friends to call and had tons of people calling me. I didn't want to talk to another soul. All I wanted to do was go find a hole and die in it.

I sat in the same spot for hours. It was so weird because I would be sitting there and would almost forget what just happened and think to myself "Matt will be getting off any minute". Then reality would hit again.

I felt like everyone was watching me waiting to see what I would do next. I had people trying to shove food down my throat. PEOPLE food was the last thing on my mind!!!!! That house had never been crazier. People coming and going left and right. Food was overflowing on the counter. Apparently that's what people do when someone dies.

I was told that at 10am I was going to the funeral home to make all the arrangements.

Jeez people he has only been dead for 8 hours!!!!!!

So I went and sat there while they showed me books of flowers and other floral arrangements.

At 19 the only floral books your supposed to be looking at are for a wedding and I had just done that four months ago right?! So why was I doing this????

Then it was on to the casket that I was to put his body in before he laid in the ground. Oh wait not just a casket but also a vault for the casket to go inside so the creatures and water and whatever else couldn't get to my husband.

I picked out a beautiful oak casket that his mom and I thought he would like the best. Sounds weird to hear about people talking about what casket there family would like right?! Yeah that's what iIthought too. Most people don't even need to talk about these things because only old people die so they already have all of this written out.

Arrangements were made, all the times were scheduled for the viewing and the funeral. We wrote the obituary and got all the military stuff set up.

I was able to get all his friends from his reserve station to drive all the way to Missouri to do his service. I was so thankful for every single one of them.

After doing all of that they asked me to bring his uniform that he would be buried in to them and underclothing and whatever else I wanted on him.

So I had to go home. To OUR home. The place we made ours.

I walked in the door and just stood there. It felt so empty. I quickly grabbed the things I needed to get out of there and left.

The rest of the day was filled with more phone calls, visitors giving there condolences, and family arranging to either fly or drive in. Again I just sat.

By evening time I figured I should try to go back to my house and shower and get clean clothes. So my sister-in-law and her boyfriend offered to take me so I wasn't alone. When we arrived there was a box sitting outside the door. I went into the house and opened it. It was from my parents. Its was the Christmas wreath that my mom told me she had made for us and a snowman making kit.

I was so angry I just threw it across the room. We weren't going to make a snowman together! Why did I need this now?!

I went into my bedroom to get my stuff to take a shower when I just collapsed on the bed and just started wailing. My sis-in-law came running in and just laid down next to me.

"shh, shh'" she said, "It's ok. Just cry."

"Its his pillow," I said. "It smells just like him. I just want him back. Please bring him back to me. I need him, I want him now!!!"

After I calmed down I went to the shower. It was really weird because I could really feel him in there. As long as my eyes were closed I could feel his presence. I just kept thinking when I opened my eyes he would be standing in front of me. But he wasn't. I was all alone.

We went back to my inlaws and just waited for my family to get in. While waiting my mom-in-law just held me in her arms like a little child. She said the closer she was to me the closer she felt to Matt. She caressed my hair and rubbed my back trying to help me get some rest. By that time my immune system had crashed and I had started to get the cold that Matt had just days before. (How nice of him to leave something behind for me)lol. So I no longer had a voice and my throat was killing me.

Finally.....I heard a door open and then voices, familiar voices. It was my mommy!!!! She came in the living room and just wrapped me up in her arms. The warmth of her made me relax for the first time all day. She was all I needed at the moment. My grandma, granny, and best friend followed in. My support team. I don't know what I would have done without them.

We all talked for a little while then decided it was time to go to my house and try to get some rest. So off to the house we went. Beds were set up, blankets laid out and it was time to sleep.

It took a while but I mom finally put me to sleep like she did when i was child. In my mind I knew when I woke life would be completely back to normal and all of this had just been a bad dream.

..................Put your bookmark in and sit tight for Part 6.................