Part 7

We boarded the plane and headed for California. There were so many couples on that plane and in the airports all so happy and excited to get to their destinations for the holidays. I was so jealous.....


We landed and got off the plane. As I walked out of terminal I was so nervous because I knew there were going to be family and friends waiting at the gate to greet us. I knew this meant it would make everything real for my family and that made it that much harder for me.


Everyone greeted us with smiles and tears. We hugged and cried and headed home.


The next person I had to face was my daddy! He wasn't able to be with me because someone had to hold down the fort and try to keep things normal but he ended up getting sick because of all the stress so that left my sister to do everything!


When I walked through the door he just hugged me and didn't want to let go. It was so nice to feel his arms around me;)


The next day I had to face everyone at church which was torture but I went because my mom asked me to go. Luckily after the service we able to hide out in the pastor's office so I wasn't bombarded with people and questions.


The next week was Christmas. It was the worst Christmas written in history....well at least my history book! I not only had to open gifts given to me but I also had to open gifts that were for Matt or for the both of us. I did try to make the best of it for my family.


After new years my parents went on a cruise that they had planned months before and I encouraged them to still go and enjoy themselves. Everyone couldn't stop their lives just because mine did, right?!


Once February came around I decided it was time for me to go back to the place I once called home. At least for a couple months to get things in order and spend some time with Matt's family.


So right before my 20th birthday I left all my stability and went back to "my home". My Granny flew back with me so I wouldn't have to do it alone.



My in-laws picked us up at the airport and it was really nice to see them.



The plan was to take us to my house but when we pulled up in the driveway the first thing I saw was his truck.....I immediately started crying hysterically. My first thought was that he was home but of course he wasn't. I didn't even want to get out of the car. So we ended up going to my in-laws house and stayed the night there.



The next morning we drove back over to my house and I had to finally face the empty house I was once called my home.



I walked in and it was so cold and quiet. Everything was exactly as how I left it. I was ok until I walked into my bedroom. The room that shared so many special moments. I just lost it and fell on the bed and gripped his pillow. My granny just sat there and comforted me.


My granny only stayed a couple days and then we had to take her back to the airport. After she left I felt all alone again. You may ask why I felt alone when I had my in-laws right down the street......Well the way I grieved wasn't really excepted and I think looking back now I can see that they were just really hurting and took a lot of it out on me. So yes I felt alone with no one to really understand what I was feeling or going through.



However, one of my sister-in-laws did move in with me so I didn't have to be alone at night. On those nights that I couldn't sleep and my sis-in-law had to work, Matt's best friend was great at being there for me and talking to me all night long. I really appreciated it as felt that he actually understood me. That wasn't taken very well either by some of Matt's family because they thought it was inappropriate to be talking to him late at night and because I was still "married". Well I'm here to tell you that those conversations helped me so much and we were just friends.



In the two months I was there my days consisted of shopping, shopping,and more shopping. For me shopping was my "out". It made me feel better for the moment but the feeling would wear off so I would have to do it again. Plus I didn't like being in the house alone during the day so I would go out. There were times when I did stay home and something would come in the mail or I would see a picture or recall a memory and I would just cry and then I would get angry and scream and throw things. I hated feeling that way so I did things to keep my mind off of it. THIS WAS NOT HEALTHY AT ALL. I don't recommend it for anyone dealing with a death or any other type of loss. Grieve however you need to, so if that means throwing things or screaming than do it!



The end of February my sister came out for a visit. I drove to Wichita, Kansas to pick her up and we stayed there for the night. We went out to the club that Matt and I would go to when we were there. It was fun. The next day we drove back to Boonville.



I had been really thinking about moving back home to California so it was really nice to have someone to talk to about it that would see it from my point of view. So I discussed it with my sister and we decided that it would probably be best for me if I move as soon as possible. I asked her if she would be with me when I told my in-laws because I knew it would be hard for them. She agreed to it of course.



On that Sunday evening before church I sat and talked to them. I told them my plans and asked them to please support me. I knew it was going to be hard to except but I needed to do what was best for me. My mother-in-law asked me if she could help pack things and I told her I had already asked my parents to come and help me with that because I knew I couldn't do it and I told her I didn't think it would be a good idea if she was there either because it would just make it harder for both of us. I didn't want to go through his stuff I just wanted to pack it up and not think about it.


Middle of March my parents came in and we(pretty much my mom) packed everything up. My in-laws decided to leave for the weekend and not say goodbye because they said it was to hard.



The u-haul was packed and we were off. We arrived in my home town a few days later. The moment I arrived in California I decided that I was done being sad and crying and just grieving in general. I was going to start a new chapter in my life and forget about my past.


I stayed with my parents for three days and then found a house in town to rent. I moved in right away. A few days later my best friend had her first baby and I was right next to her to welcome him into this world. It was so amazing! I was so happy for her and her husband but I couldn't help but feel jealous and sad. She had everything I wanted. I envied her life.



..........................Next part of the journey.....Well just stay tuned............................