Part 8

I quickly settled into my new home with my sister. My wonderful sister decided to move in with me so I would have a companion and boy am I thankful she did.



We had so much fun together. We would go shopping together, dinners out, bowling, movies, and the list goes on.



We definitely have some memories bowling!!!! The first time we went bowling together we went on base and in our minds we were just gonna bowl the two of us with no distractions.....Well if you have ever been on a Marine base you know otherwise!!!! So we bowled and had fun for a while but then these guys decided they needed to bowl right next to us......That night I had my first kiss since Matt and I hated myself the whole time!



This is when my life took a turn. Just one kiss changed everything.



I never saw that guy again or talked to him. A few weeks later I met another guy in "Applebees". This time I tried to hide my wedding ring. (How awful of me) Eventually the ring came off.



We started talking and he seemed nice.



A week later my sister and I decided to take a spur of the moment trip to Texas to see Matt's best friend. I was so excited to see him!!! I hadn't seen him since that awful day. So in like think 13hrs. we got to Texas.




What was supposed to be an amazing week long trip turned into only a few days because of "this new guy". I started to realize he was a bit controlling and he told me I couldn't go out while I was there and told me I should come home early because I shouldn't be there.



Well the stupid broken girl that I was listened to him. Why??? I just wanted to be loved so if that meant doing what some stranger told me to do than I guess I was going to do it.



I came back home just in time to do Easter at my new house with all my family. I was really excited to host my family function.




I invited that "guy" because I wanted everyone to meet this person that I thought was just perfect! *gag me*




He ended up coming and literally staying for 5 minutes. He said it just didn't feel right being with my family since I was married and he figured they were judging him. Whatever!!!!!!!



But again I just wanted to be loved so I stuck it out with the guy a little bit longer. He would never let me talk about Matt because it freaked him out that I was married and apparently was a turn off!



Trying to date was next to impossible because as soon as I would tell a guy I was a widow, they would freeze up and then I wouldn't hear from them or they would tell me they didn't want anything serious just "friends with benefits"!!!!




End of April I went to Kentucky to see my "brother" and meet his parents. I also went to go to Thunder over Louisville because Matt had always told me how awesome it was and we had planned to go that year. You can imagine how excited I was.




As soon as I saw him in the airport I just ran into his arms. I needed to feel the love and strength from the only "big brother" I had ever had. He had also brought his girlfriend who is now his wife and it was really nice to meet her.




Every day I was there was so fun but the nights were the worst because that "guy" was telling me I shouldn't be there and telling me everything I should be doing.




We went to Thunder over Louisville and it was amazing! I have never seen so many fireworks in my life. I cried the entire time! I could actually feel the boom in my chest. I felt like Matt was standing right next to me the whole time just as we planned. It was a happy and sad moment all in one and my brother's girlfriend was the sweetest person because she just held me in her arms the whole time and let me cry.




After that amazing trip I came back to reality and also finally realized what an idiot I was for keeping this guy around. I told him that I wasn't the type of girl that would conform to what he wanted and I wouldn't be controlled or told what to do. I told him I wasn't the person for him and we should go our separate ways, which was pretty easy considering he had just moved back to his home town in another state.




It wasn't long before there was another guy. I made the biggest mistake with that one and to this day wish I could take it back. That one choice had a domino effect!




I had become so bitter toward God and anything that was associated to it that I went the completely other direction. I didn't want to go to church anymore but I did every once in awhile to make my mom happy. It was hard to be around my best friend because her life seemed perfect and she always brought God into the conversations and I just didn't want to hear it anymore.




Within five months I had become my worst nightmare. The only way I can explain it is that my head and my heart disconnected. I didn't care, I didn't think about the consequences. I gave myself to guys in ways I can never get back, I had become the highlight of conversation in certain areas, I had my phone number being past around barracks without my knowledge, and along the way brought my sister down with me. You have NO idea how horrible I feel about that every day because I could have saved her from so much if I was the sister I should have been. Instead she was put through situations where she had to be like a mother to me. There were nights I was so wasted that she or some guy had to carry me to the car and on the way home she would have to force me to eat something to absorb everything in my body. I can say that I never did try a drug in all those months but alcohol had become my best friend. It numbed my body and my feelings.




Am I proud of any of this? Absolutely not! Was any of it right? In no way was it. Was I hurting? YES!!!!!!!!!!!! Was I trying to fill a void? You better believe it!


I was trying to find something to fill that hole in my chest and instead I filled it with scar after scar. I think one of the worst scars I have is someone "having" me without my consent. It was very scary and has affected me for life. Honestly I am very lucky to just be alive but more than that I'm lucky I have no diseases or children out of the foolishness I engaged in. God is a loving, gracious God and He spared from so much pain. The scars will be there forever and no matter how hard I try to forget everything I have done it is all still there. I wish so badly I could take it all back but I know that everything that has happened had brought me to where I am today.




~**********~






My Lord has forgiven me for hurt I have caused Him and if anyone that had any hurt through this I pray you will forgive me as well. It is very hard to open up about the horrible things you do it life and I have buried it all so deep down that talking about this opens those wounds all over again. If anyone has been offended in reading this part of my journey I apologize but its life, its my life and if I'm going to write the whole journey I can't leave out any part of it.






...........................................Part 9 is up next.........................................