The happenings of August

This month is a full month. Lots of happy going on but a few sad/bittersweet happenings as well.

 First All the happy:) My hubby is turning the big 28 in 12 days, we have been together 6 years in 3 weeks, gosh I can't believe how time has flown, and lastly princess and I will be going home in 15 days to see my family!

Needless to say we are very busy right now. Hubby working and me trying to get all my clients in before I leave and getting in as much family time in as well.

Then there are the sad/bittersweet moments in this month. Today being one of them. 

Today Matt and I would be married 7 years. 

Its hard to believe seven years ago I was walking down the aisle to say 'I do' to the man I thought I would spend the rest of MY life with. I remember walking to him and never once thinking our happiness could end and I pictured us rocking on our wraparound porch at the age of 70 sipping sweet tea. 

It was at the young age of 19 the best day of my life.

I miss him so.

I wonder sometimes what our life would be like now. How many kids we would have, where we would be, and all the other little details of life.

I miss the way he said 'I can't'. He couldn't say it like a normal person lol he said it with his sexy Kentucky accent. It drove me crazy but I would do anything just to hear him say it one more time.

So today is bittersweet. I will remember the sweetest man and husband that God gave me 7 years ago and all the happiness we shared as a married couple in our short lifetime together. I love you forever and ever MY MATT<3 div="div">

And now to the sad.....

This month will mark one year since the last time I saw or spoke to my sister.

I miss her more than words can describe.

I have told my husband countless times how this feels worse than when Matt died. The reason being that I knew I wouldn't be seeing him again and that death is final, I knew he was gone. With my sister on the other hand, I know she is alive. I know there is the possibility of seeing her again but that she doesn't want to be seen. 

I feel like a part of me has died. 

I was just thinking yesterday that the one person I would call just to talk about nothing with and laugh over the silly things I do, the only one who would understand me in all my weirdness wants nothing to do with me.

There is a constant ache in my stomach when I think of her. I dream of her at least 3 times a week and every dream she comes back into my life.

I long to lay on the bed and her be upside down and laugh til we pee our pants because of how hilarious it is to watch a mouth move upside down! haha

I miss seeing her with my little girl. She has missed so much in this last year of her life. I know she would be so proud of her and just die watching her play and all the silly things she does.

I know God is in complete control over all of this and I just wish He would restore our family.

I question Him everyday why He hasn't. 

I miss her.

At one time in my life August was to be the happiest month of the year. Though through the years this month has brought lots of sadness my God brought me the man that would bring life and happiness back in it. 

Happy birthday my Tom and happy six years of being together:) I love you and thank you for being my light in the darkness.

Reflection

Today as made me reflect on my life in a few different areas. Today this world lost a wonderful wife, and mother. I lost a cousin but more importantly and man lost his wife, a little boy lost him momma, a set of parents lost their daughter, siblings lost their sister, and the list goes on.

With all this it took me back to "that" day. The day I lost my whole world. I have had a knot in my stomach all day thinking about my cousin and the pain he is feeling right now. I hurt so bad for him.

But today has made me remember how precious life truly is and how blessed I really am. Lately I have taken for granted the blessing of being a momma. In day to day life I get caught up in the little things that annoy me or the things my little one does that turn nice mommy into not so nice mommy. Lately I have sent my little girl to her room because I have been exhausted instead of embracing the moments I get to be here mommy. As a wife I have taken for granted the love my husband has for me. I realize I need to kiss him more and tell him over and over how much I love him. I also thought about all my family I don't talk to very often and want to make more of an effort to keep communication open with all of them.

But now tonight at almost 2 in the morning I can't stop looking at my sister's wedding slide show. The happiness on her face, the love I see in her eyes, and the love between her and I. Life is really too short to hold grudges and allow distance to grow between each other. Each day that passes I miss my sister more and more but there is nothing I can do but pray. I have let go of any anger built up and forgiven everything and those who really know me, know that isn't the kind of person I am. But with her its different. I would do anything to put things back to the way they used to be. I long to have my sister back. Every day it feels like she has died but worse because she hasn't.

So don't let tomorrow come before telling the ones you love how much they mean to you. Mend broken relationships if you have the opportunity too. You just might not have another chance!

Missing you

Missing you tonight......not really for any reason in particular.

I keep seeing your little grin in my mind and hear the cute way you said your words.

It all brings a smile to my face but for some reason my heart is aching.

I have so much to be thankful for and I love my life but right now I just want YOU.

Some may not understand and that is ok.

Sweetheart can you do me a favor tonight?

I need to see you and feel you. Even if its just a glimpse. You haven't come to visit me in a while in my dreams and right now I need you to.

Matthew Nathanael I miss you so much right now.....I know I'm saying it over and over right now but I do. ~

This is my heart tonight so those that have a quick second please say a prayer for a peace to come over me to rest easy.

Our Christmas choice

So it seems there has been a lot of talk about Santa and Baby Jesus lately. It has caused me to do a lot of soul searching and figuring out what I believe.

My parents decided when I was young that they would tell me the 'truth' about Santa and that they are the ones that made Christmas happen. Their reasoning behind it was they were taught through the church that it was like lying to me and if they were going to lie to me about Santa then I would question what they taught me about Jesus since I couldn't see him either. Honestly it didn't hurt me at all knowing the truth and I wasn't heart broken. I wasn't one of those kids that went around and told all the others kids Santa wasn't real. My parents explained that some kids believed and it wasn't my place to tell them otherwise.

As a child though I did look at Santa as kind of 'bad' because, how dare he lie to all those children!

Just to clarify I believe my parents were doing what they thought was right for my brother and I by telling us the truth.

Tom on the other hand grew up with Santa in their home. He says he knew at a young age he wasn't real because he snuck in his parents closet and found the presents! (he was naughty as a little boy he he) I remember the first Christmas Tom and I were together his mom wrote 'from Santa' on some of my presents and it felt weird because I had never had presents say that before! My presents always had a reindeer name on them(my mom gave us a reindeer name every year and we didn't find out which one we were til Christmas morning:)).

So our little bug actually understands the Christmas thing this year and up until this year I had it in my mind we were going to tell her the truth but still "pretend" just for fun. But after much thought and reading we together have decided that we are going to do the whole Christmas thing. Every part of it and I'm probably more excited than my three year old!

We are going to do Santa and baby Jesus. I believe that it is perfectly fine for her to believe a nice old man brings her presents. We will teach her the history of St. Nick as she gets older when she can understand. She will also know about Jesus and the manger. I feel that her believing in a white bearded man will not affect her believing in the One who will save her one day.

So Tom has agreed to get a Santa suit and actually put her presents under the tree after she has gone to bed just in case she peeks:) He will eat her cookies she makes every year and drink the Pepsi she puts out. ( our Santa only drinks Pepsi...a tradition Tom's dad started when they were kids) We will leave footprints and reindeer tracks. I can't wait to pretend and be a kid all over again!

December # 6

Its December. The month I dread every year. Its been almost six years and this year seems to be harder than last year.

Maybe its because I'm starting a whole new life here in Texas so a lot of little memories have been surfacing of when Matt and I moved to Missouri. You see, this is mine and Tom's first 'real' move away from family. I haven't lived outside of California since I moved back almost six years ago so I have always had my family to hold me close and support me during this time of year.

Maybe its because we are settled now and I have a lot of time now to think about my life and how different things are going to be now. Training, deployments, and such. So nervousness is setting is as well.

Or maybe its that Matt's sister just had her second baby and it is a little boy who they have named after him. I have watched all the little videos of this new beginning of theirs and am so happy for them but can't help but look at all the videos and pictures and think of all Matt is missing. I know he would have loved these to precious angels his sisters has now and I know how much he loved kids so he would have been a great uncle. And then part of me wishing I could have a small part in their lives to share the part of their uncle with them that I hold so dear.

Through all of this though, I have a wonderful husband who is focusing so much on helping me through all of this 'stuff' this year. I know he feels as though he isn't doing a good enough job but what he doesn't realize is that him just sitting and holding me and giving the little kiss on my forehead is all I really need right now. I just need to know I'm loved and that my feelings are being taken care of and he really is doing just that!

So as I struggle through this month I ask anyone who reads this to please just say a little prayer for me. My family needs me and I want to make this year special since it will just be the three of us for Christmas, but I sure am feeling weak in the strength department.

Bosom Friends

If I turned the clock back.....

I didn't want you there. I didn't want to share. I liked it just being me. You weren't in my plan. I wanted my mom to myself.

I disliked you so much to the point of hate. God had other plans for us though.

It was soccer season again and it was made very clear we were to be on separate teams because we didn't get along.

Some how we ended up on the same team. We learned to work together as teammates which turned into working together as friends and then as sisters. We became best friends and we inseparable.

We experienced everything together. You were the one I told all my secrets to. We would lay on our beds one of us upside down and laugh till our stomachs hurt because of how are faces looked upside down. No one else understood it but us. We planned our futures together of being hairstylists on cruise ships and opening a cafe with a skate park inside. We wanted to go to military school together and pretended for weeks we really were there! You taught me to dance and roller blade. We liked the same boy forever and talked of our dream guys we would marry. We said we would always be together.

You were the one I told about my first kiss and I for you. We held each other when we were hurting. I fell so in love with you as my bosom friend.

We never shared clothes or shoes but we shared our intermost desires.

I always wanted a little sister and God gave me you. I might not have been bigger than you in size but I was your big sister:)

You were there the day  I said 'I Do' to my first love and you were the only one who could help me make it through some of the worst moments when I lost that love. You took care of me and kept me safe when I was wandering. I was there beside you the day you said 'I Do'. We may have grown distant during that time but I never stopped loving you and wishing you and I were the way we used to be.

You were there when I said 'I Do' the second time to my soulmate (even if you were barefoot)!
You were there the day I brought my angel into this world and I watched you fall in love with her the way I did.

I have always looked up to you for being so strong and making it through everything you have.

You saved me from making so many mistakes and you helped save my marriage.

I never ever thought 'what if you never existed?' Not until now.
What if I didn't have all those memories?
What would my life look like?

It would have been so empty.....the way it feels now without you. You have just left! Without saying goodbye. I miss you so much and wonder if I will ever see you again. Will I ever get answers to questions I have? Will my little girl who adores you so ever truly know you the way I do?

I want you back in the worst way. You will always be my sister and I will always love you.

chapters life

We all have chapters we go through in life. Some short others very long. Some are extremely happy and some are very sad. There are boring chapters and normal chapters.

Looking back most of my life has had normal chapters. The past 6 years has brought the extremely happy yet very sad chapters. Some say by now I should be "over" all of this and no longer talking about it or bringing up things from the past. Well I'm here to tell you all that I will never be "OVER" this nor do I want to be. It has defined who I have become and why would I want to change that.
To get over something is essentially forgetting it. So what they are really saying is forget the past six years like they never happened! NO!!!!!!!!!!
God has finally brought me to the spot He has been trying to get me to for a while now. He has been throwing huge hints at me for a few years but I have been to afraid to take them. I felt like if  I completely let go then I was forgetting my first love. What I have learned is that closing this chapter and letting go is not forgetting him at all. Instead I'm letting go of the chains and holding onto the love and memories 'we' had. No one can ever take that from me! I have no bitterness anymore and haven't for a while now just to clear that up. And I'm not hurting anyone I love anymore either because I have chosen to get help and work through my problems not just forget them!
I will always love the people in my chapters but a good book always has an ending. My book is still being written but the longest chapter is finally done! I can't tell you how relieving it is to say that.
I have wanted this for so long just didn't know how to get there. I'm glad the action has finally been taken and I can finally focus on what is right in front of me....my little family<3 Thomas James Frounfelker and Kaitlynn Irhena Frounfelker I love you both with every part of my being.

Matthew Nathanael Payne....you will always be in my heart and I will always love you. You know where you are in our family and the place where you sit. Tom, Kaity and I will forever be grateful for you because without you we wouldn't have our family. Kaity will know you and love you for what you have given her. Tom will forever appreciate the person you helped me become and for allowing him to love me. And I my love will NEVER forget the love we shared and the special memories we made. We were a true family you and I and you will always be a part of the family I have now.

Present and future show me what you are holding for me...Past you no longer have a hold on me or my family!

If you have a chapter you are holding onto its ok. In time you will have the peace to let it go and move forward. Until them forgive yourself and give yourself permission to finish the chapter in your time!