I saw HIM!!!!!!!!!
Dressed in his Cami's with a pack on his back.
Our eyes met and we literally pushed our way through the crowded field to get to each other.
I jumped into his strong arms and held onto him so tightly. The feeling i felt at that moment is one i will never forget. We held each other so close and kissed each other so gently. To feel his lips against mine made our love feel so real again.
Once i got my moment with him, he grabbed his mom and held her close. She cried such happy tears knowing her son was safe again on American soil. He also gave his brother a "brotherly" hug and then greeted my family as well with hugs and smiles.
We were all so happy to have him back.....
We packed up his things and drove back to my house. He was able to shower and put on "civilian" clothes. If you have never been in the military then you will never understand what a luxury it is to wear something other than a uniform.
Once he was ready we all went to dinner. It was so nice to sit around a table with both of our families for the first time and see how we all just fit perfectly! Our families got along great and we were just so comfortable with each other.
By the end of the night everyone was so exhausted from all the excitement. After his family went to bed we just sat on the couch and cuddled for awhile. To finally talk to him face to face after not being able to for 7 months felt like seeing each other for the first time all over again. The little things you take for granted when you have then everyday are the things that military spouses hold dear to their hearts every second they have with their beloved. Holding hands, a warm hug, and smile from across the room to let you know that your the only one they see, a sweet kiss on the cheek, the soft words spoken....I LOVE YOU, and the list goes on. Those are all the things i was holding dear that night.
*~~*
The next morning we had to take his mom and brother back to the airport. Their plane left out of San Diego so we decided since we would already be down there we would make a trip out of it. So we booked a hotel room and made some plans. We went to Seaport Village for the day, out to dinner and the next morning to a quaint little breakfast spot in Little Italy and lots of shopping too!
We came back home to reality and he had to go back to work.
After they go on a deployment they have to go through some classes and make sure they are "ok".
Once he did all of that it was time for a nice vacation for the two of us.
We bought plane tickets to Ohio and he couldn't wait to show me around where he came from.
He is a total city boy and I'm small town girl with the city stuck inside of me so i couldn't wait either!!!!
We boarded the plane and were both very anxious and excited to get to our destination.
We landed in Cleveland, Ohio with our carry-ons in hand waiting for them to allow us to get off the plane.
Little did we know that his whole family was waiting for us at the gate! Yes, the gate! We didn't even know you could do that anymore. But we found out that at certain airports they allow you to wait at the gate if you are awaiting the arrival of military personnel.
They had signs and American flags and were dressed in red, white, and blue. It was so special. People in the airport stopped just to see what was going on and when they realized there was hero standing there they shook his hand and thanked him for his service. One man came up to him in tears thanking him. It was definitely a humbling experience and just plain awesome!
Our two weeks there were great. I think i got to meet almost all of his family. He took me to all the neat neighborhoods, he took me to downtown Cleveland, we went to Cedar Point which is one of the coolest amusement parks, lots of shopping took place and eating at lots of good restaurants too. We also traded in his car for a car we both wanted so bad.
With that new car came a road trip because why would we want to leave it back in Ohio!lol
That road trip changed our life forever....
Monday, October 18, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Part 12
It was the night before the "event" I was dreading.........
He would be gone for seven months to a war zone. That night we went to dinner at my parents house. My mom made a nice dinner and we had Tom's favorite dessert, angel food cake, strawberries, and ice cream. We visited for a while and had a great time.
We went back to my house and spent the rest of the evening together just the two of us. It was our last night together and we wanted to be selfish and it just be us. I had given him a little gift which was a Bible I had engraved with his name on and I could tell he just loved it.
As I told him good night I laid there and cried. I wanted to be so strong for him and for me but I was breaking inside.
I had just found love again and now I had to let go. I didn't want to....
Part of me wanted to just say goodbye so it would be easier but I loved him too much and knew that would just kill him.
To say having faith in God at that moment was a little hard is a total understatement. It. Was. Really. Hard.
I knew this situation was completely out of my control and I couldn't protect him or keep him safe and that made me that much more vulnerable. I didn't have control of the last man that was ripped away from me, and what if it happened again? Difference this time was that I was choosing to take the chance.
Most people thought I was crazy but something deep down told me everything would be ok. I held onto that like I had never held onto anything.
4:00AM came way to quick that next morning. I watched him pack the last few items in his seabag and I put some sweat pants on and one of his shirts and a USMC sweatshirt. We drove all the way to the Marine base hand in hand not wanting to ever let go. My sister and brother went with us so I wouldn't be alone and so he had some support.
He was supposed to board the bus at like 6:30 that morning but if you know the Marine Corps than you know that didn't happen!!!!!
He would leave me here and there once to get his rifle and a few times for formations. Everytime I prepared myself for that to be it.
Finally at about 8:30AM it was time to really say goodbye. The moment we both were procrastinating. He held me so tight and I sunk into his chest. I didn't want to let go of him. We stared into each others eyes trying to make a lasting memory of each others faces. We kissed and hugged some more.
Then I let go........Not knowing if I would ever be held again by that wonderful man's arms.
He boarded the bus and I watched as he sat in his seat. He waved at me til I couldn't see him anymore. The tears just streamed down my face. My heart was breaking I didn't know if he would be back to put it back together.
He called me from someone's phone on our drive home. You would have thought I hadn't talked to him in days!!!!lol
When I got home I got ready, it literally took me like an hour just to shower. I would be fine and then I would think of him or see something of his and I would fall apart all over again.
Once I finally finished getting ready my sister and I headed to school.
A month prior we started cosmetology school together. I wanted to go so bad and figured this would be a perfect time to go since he was going to be gone. I needed something to keep me busy and preoccupied.
He called me again later that day. I think he was Hungary. His plane had caught on fire so they were stuck there for a day or so. The next day I received a dozen beautiful red roses. I think someone loved me or something.
Once he made it to Iraq I got a phone call. In the beginning the phone calls were spuratic. when he finally got settled I received a phone call almost everyday.
He and I are quite old-fashioned and wanted to do the whole snail mail thing. I wrote him a letter everyday and he wrote as often as he could. I didn't just write a letter I actually put stickers all over it and did special ones for every holiday, I sprayed it with my perfume that was his favorite, I put a kiss at the end and just tried to make it as special as possible.
It's kind of funny.....Everyone always knew when the mail arrived cause they could all smell it. Even their letters smelled good because of his.
That seven months were long yet short. He called almost everyday unless he was on a mission, then I wouldn't hear from anywhere from 3 to 7 days. Yes I know I was very lucky!!!!!
I talked to his mom once a week to stay in touch and keep each other updated on him. I actually met his family for the first time while he was deployed. I flew out there all alone for a few days. We hit it off right away and we all got along wonderfully. They were all so sweet and accepting.
I never got used to him being gone but life did form a new routine. It didn't make it any easier but I was living.
He missed thanksgiving, the one year anniversary of Matt's death, christmas, new year's, my birthday, valentine's day, and easter. All of those days were exceptionally hard but my family and the Lord got me through them.
The last month before he came home felt like a turtle moving across the street. I thought the day would never come.
The few weeks before his homecoming date changed a zillion and one times....His poor mom had to change planes tickets so many times and had to PAY for it!!!!!
The house was in tip top shape everything in its place and sparkly clean. I picked up his family from the airport and they stayed with me for a few days before he came home.
On that Sunday, his homecoming, we went to church and had a great lunch at my parents. That afternoon just dragged along. I finally got the phone call i had been anticipating for forever. He called and said they had just landed at March Airforce Base and would be boarding the buses soon and be making there way to 29 Palms Marine Base. That was at about 4PM. So we packed ourselves up in the cars and headed out for our 30 min. drive to the base.
We pulled up to victory field and there were already lots of families there awaiting the arrival of their loved ones. I had the biggest not in my stomach because I was so excited/nervous to see my prince charming in combat boots.
Thinking it wasn't going to be that long before he got there we didn't bring chairs or anything so we either had to stand the whole time or sit in dirt that was supposed to be a grassy field!!!!
I got another phone call when they were just entering the base so we all started to get really excited. Then we found out they had to drop of their rifles so it would be yet another hour! We actually saw there bus go right past us and it was like a child seeing disneyland but not being able to go.
Finally they DJ that was keeping everyone informed said they were on their way over to the field.
It was time.....Time to see the man of my dreams........
The buses pulled up, all three of them. Hundreds of people waiting. The doors opened to the buses and they started to poor out.
Lots of men wearing camis with their covers on and backpacks on their backs.......How was I ever going to find him????!!!!!!
Then........I.........Saw............stayed tuned...........
He would be gone for seven months to a war zone. That night we went to dinner at my parents house. My mom made a nice dinner and we had Tom's favorite dessert, angel food cake, strawberries, and ice cream. We visited for a while and had a great time.
We went back to my house and spent the rest of the evening together just the two of us. It was our last night together and we wanted to be selfish and it just be us. I had given him a little gift which was a Bible I had engraved with his name on and I could tell he just loved it.
As I told him good night I laid there and cried. I wanted to be so strong for him and for me but I was breaking inside.
I had just found love again and now I had to let go. I didn't want to....
Part of me wanted to just say goodbye so it would be easier but I loved him too much and knew that would just kill him.
To say having faith in God at that moment was a little hard is a total understatement. It. Was. Really. Hard.
I knew this situation was completely out of my control and I couldn't protect him or keep him safe and that made me that much more vulnerable. I didn't have control of the last man that was ripped away from me, and what if it happened again? Difference this time was that I was choosing to take the chance.
Most people thought I was crazy but something deep down told me everything would be ok. I held onto that like I had never held onto anything.
4:00AM came way to quick that next morning. I watched him pack the last few items in his seabag and I put some sweat pants on and one of his shirts and a USMC sweatshirt. We drove all the way to the Marine base hand in hand not wanting to ever let go. My sister and brother went with us so I wouldn't be alone and so he had some support.
He was supposed to board the bus at like 6:30 that morning but if you know the Marine Corps than you know that didn't happen!!!!!
He would leave me here and there once to get his rifle and a few times for formations. Everytime I prepared myself for that to be it.
Finally at about 8:30AM it was time to really say goodbye. The moment we both were procrastinating. He held me so tight and I sunk into his chest. I didn't want to let go of him. We stared into each others eyes trying to make a lasting memory of each others faces. We kissed and hugged some more.
Then I let go........Not knowing if I would ever be held again by that wonderful man's arms.
He boarded the bus and I watched as he sat in his seat. He waved at me til I couldn't see him anymore. The tears just streamed down my face. My heart was breaking I didn't know if he would be back to put it back together.
He called me from someone's phone on our drive home. You would have thought I hadn't talked to him in days!!!!lol
When I got home I got ready, it literally took me like an hour just to shower. I would be fine and then I would think of him or see something of his and I would fall apart all over again.
Once I finally finished getting ready my sister and I headed to school.
A month prior we started cosmetology school together. I wanted to go so bad and figured this would be a perfect time to go since he was going to be gone. I needed something to keep me busy and preoccupied.
He called me again later that day. I think he was Hungary. His plane had caught on fire so they were stuck there for a day or so. The next day I received a dozen beautiful red roses. I think someone loved me or something.
Once he made it to Iraq I got a phone call. In the beginning the phone calls were spuratic. when he finally got settled I received a phone call almost everyday.
He and I are quite old-fashioned and wanted to do the whole snail mail thing. I wrote him a letter everyday and he wrote as often as he could. I didn't just write a letter I actually put stickers all over it and did special ones for every holiday, I sprayed it with my perfume that was his favorite, I put a kiss at the end and just tried to make it as special as possible.
It's kind of funny.....Everyone always knew when the mail arrived cause they could all smell it. Even their letters smelled good because of his.
That seven months were long yet short. He called almost everyday unless he was on a mission, then I wouldn't hear from anywhere from 3 to 7 days. Yes I know I was very lucky!!!!!
I talked to his mom once a week to stay in touch and keep each other updated on him. I actually met his family for the first time while he was deployed. I flew out there all alone for a few days. We hit it off right away and we all got along wonderfully. They were all so sweet and accepting.
I never got used to him being gone but life did form a new routine. It didn't make it any easier but I was living.
He missed thanksgiving, the one year anniversary of Matt's death, christmas, new year's, my birthday, valentine's day, and easter. All of those days were exceptionally hard but my family and the Lord got me through them.
The last month before he came home felt like a turtle moving across the street. I thought the day would never come.
The few weeks before his homecoming date changed a zillion and one times....His poor mom had to change planes tickets so many times and had to PAY for it!!!!!
The house was in tip top shape everything in its place and sparkly clean. I picked up his family from the airport and they stayed with me for a few days before he came home.
On that Sunday, his homecoming, we went to church and had a great lunch at my parents. That afternoon just dragged along. I finally got the phone call i had been anticipating for forever. He called and said they had just landed at March Airforce Base and would be boarding the buses soon and be making there way to 29 Palms Marine Base. That was at about 4PM. So we packed ourselves up in the cars and headed out for our 30 min. drive to the base.
We pulled up to victory field and there were already lots of families there awaiting the arrival of their loved ones. I had the biggest not in my stomach because I was so excited/nervous to see my prince charming in combat boots.
Thinking it wasn't going to be that long before he got there we didn't bring chairs or anything so we either had to stand the whole time or sit in dirt that was supposed to be a grassy field!!!!
I got another phone call when they were just entering the base so we all started to get really excited. Then we found out they had to drop of their rifles so it would be yet another hour! We actually saw there bus go right past us and it was like a child seeing disneyland but not being able to go.
Finally they DJ that was keeping everyone informed said they were on their way over to the field.
It was time.....Time to see the man of my dreams........
The buses pulled up, all three of them. Hundreds of people waiting. The doors opened to the buses and they started to poor out.
Lots of men wearing camis with their covers on and backpacks on their backs.......How was I ever going to find him????!!!!!!
Then........I.........Saw............stayed tuned...........
Friday, October 1, 2010
Part 11
Sorry I've been gone for soooo long!!! Life has been happening right in front of my eyes lately!
So.....Where were we????
That's right!
I was about to get into the special part of my story........
He left that evening with the guys to get ready for the start of a new week. The next day I couldn't stop thinking about him. I still had my concerns but I something kept drawing me towards him. I decided to text him to see how his day was going and to see if he was bored. He was a marine stuck in the barracks.....of course he was bored!lol
So I left it open for him to ask me out if he wanted to. He did and Aug. 25, 2006 was our very first date. He took me to a little Italian restaurant in town and it was great! We talked about everything. All of the things I was unsure of we figured out expect one! He decided to confuse me with feelings he might have still had for his ex-girlfriend. He told me that he would have to figure them out when he went home on leave. So now he wanted to play hard to get!! Game on! I know all about that game so it was on.
The week went on and we talked almost everyday and hung out a couple more times. That Friday he left for pre-deployment leave and I had no clue where that left us. I figured we would go back to being friends and I find someone else.
I promised I would call him every hour to keep him from falling asleep and every conversation he would bring up the "ex". It really started to bother me and by that night I was in tears with our best friend Matt over it. He finally told me I needed to just tell him how I felt and be completely honest with him.
So the next hour came around and I called him. He could tell something was bothering me and I told him that I was worried he was going to get back together with his ex-girlfriend. He reassured me that wasn't going to happen because he liked me sooo much and wanted to be with me and only me! I was so thrilled I couldn't bare it. I had the biggest smile on my face and I could hear it in his voice that he had one too.
He was going to be home for about two weeks......He told his mom all about me.....We talked every day and were just in our own little world..........I think we totally forgot that we was going to be leaving to go the sand box.
At just about our two week point we were on the phone saying sweet nothings to each when he kind of paused.....I could tell he wanted to say something but he was holding back. He said he really didn't want to do this over the phone but he couldn't hold back any longer.
I swallowed really hard and my heart started to race.....
"I love you"......Were the words I heard on the other end of phone!!!!!
"I love you too".....I was so thrilled he finally said them because I was dying to say the same thing but I promised myself I would never say it first.
He came back a few days later and I picked him up at the airport where he greeted me with our first kiss. It was so sweet. Very gentle.
Now the timer was started. We had about three weeks together before he left me for 7 months.
Those weeks were so special and we took advantage of every moment we had together. We spent our evenings watching movies and talking for hours and our weekends were spent going to the mall or at the beach. I couldn't believe I was actually "in love" again! It was so amazing.
I tried not to think about the upcoming event because my heart literally would stop. I couldn't imagine losing another man.
His date had changed two or three times in the last week before he left. On one hand it was relieving because I knew that meant I had more time but on the other hand it just meant I had to completely prepare myself all over again.
You would think only being together for one month it would be no biggie but for us we had already talked about "our" wedding and a life together after this "event". We had already committed ourselves to each other for life.
It was the night before and I just didn't know if I could do it.............
So.....Where were we????
That's right!
I was about to get into the special part of my story........
He left that evening with the guys to get ready for the start of a new week. The next day I couldn't stop thinking about him. I still had my concerns but I something kept drawing me towards him. I decided to text him to see how his day was going and to see if he was bored. He was a marine stuck in the barracks.....of course he was bored!lol
So I left it open for him to ask me out if he wanted to. He did and Aug. 25, 2006 was our very first date. He took me to a little Italian restaurant in town and it was great! We talked about everything. All of the things I was unsure of we figured out expect one! He decided to confuse me with feelings he might have still had for his ex-girlfriend. He told me that he would have to figure them out when he went home on leave. So now he wanted to play hard to get!! Game on! I know all about that game so it was on.
The week went on and we talked almost everyday and hung out a couple more times. That Friday he left for pre-deployment leave and I had no clue where that left us. I figured we would go back to being friends and I find someone else.
I promised I would call him every hour to keep him from falling asleep and every conversation he would bring up the "ex". It really started to bother me and by that night I was in tears with our best friend Matt over it. He finally told me I needed to just tell him how I felt and be completely honest with him.
So the next hour came around and I called him. He could tell something was bothering me and I told him that I was worried he was going to get back together with his ex-girlfriend. He reassured me that wasn't going to happen because he liked me sooo much and wanted to be with me and only me! I was so thrilled I couldn't bare it. I had the biggest smile on my face and I could hear it in his voice that he had one too.
He was going to be home for about two weeks......He told his mom all about me.....We talked every day and were just in our own little world..........I think we totally forgot that we was going to be leaving to go the sand box.
At just about our two week point we were on the phone saying sweet nothings to each when he kind of paused.....I could tell he wanted to say something but he was holding back. He said he really didn't want to do this over the phone but he couldn't hold back any longer.
I swallowed really hard and my heart started to race.....
"I love you"......Were the words I heard on the other end of phone!!!!!
"I love you too".....I was so thrilled he finally said them because I was dying to say the same thing but I promised myself I would never say it first.
He came back a few days later and I picked him up at the airport where he greeted me with our first kiss. It was so sweet. Very gentle.
Now the timer was started. We had about three weeks together before he left me for 7 months.
Those weeks were so special and we took advantage of every moment we had together. We spent our evenings watching movies and talking for hours and our weekends were spent going to the mall or at the beach. I couldn't believe I was actually "in love" again! It was so amazing.
I tried not to think about the upcoming event because my heart literally would stop. I couldn't imagine losing another man.
His date had changed two or three times in the last week before he left. On one hand it was relieving because I knew that meant I had more time but on the other hand it just meant I had to completely prepare myself all over again.
You would think only being together for one month it would be no biggie but for us we had already talked about "our" wedding and a life together after this "event". We had already committed ourselves to each other for life.
It was the night before and I just didn't know if I could do it.............
Friday, September 10, 2010
Part 10
They made it to the hospital and his dad was saved.......But life would never be the same.
The next six months would definitely be a journey. His dad was moved to a rehabilitation hospital in Cleveland and under went lots of tests. The result of the accident left him paralyzed from the neck down.
He eventually came home and life continued, but in a new way. Tom was now "the man of the house" doing all the manly duties which meant he had to grow up real fast!! Being only 15 that was quite a job. It definitely brought his family closer together. I really look up to his mom for taking such good care of the man she loved.
Tom's dad lived for five years after the accident and made the most of his life with his family. The last year of his life he was in and out of the hospital and eventually had to be put in a nursing home. His body tried so hard to be strong but in the end couldn't hold on any longer.
On Feb. 10, 2005 he was visited by all his family and was very talkative and seemed to be a good mood. As the day went on he went from being fine to not doing well at all. Tom and his brother were told to come back to the nursing home as soon as they could get there so they could spend the last moments with their father. Things were really not looking good at all but he held on just in time to see Tom one last time. Tom was able to say his goodbyes and tell his dad how much he loved him and then watched him drift on into eternity.
As Tom told me his story you could hear the pain in his voice and see it in his eyes. You could tell how much he loved his dad and wished he could have just one more conversation with him. It pains me to know I will never have the privilege to meet the man that made Tom who he is. I know we would get along so well....at least that's what Tom tells me!!!!!
After such a serious conversation we went to much lighter topics as to what we wanted our futures to look like and how he felt about his upcoming deployment. He was so excited and just couldn't wait to go.
Eventually Vanessa went to bed, Richie and Tom fell asleep in the living room and Matt and I stayed up talking outside the rest of the night and into the morning!!! It was nice to just talk with someone and not worrying about being judged!
They left that next morning with the plan of getting together soon. A couple weeks later we decided to take a beach trip so we packed up the car and headed to the great pacific! We had a great time and just goofing off. Definitely made lots of memories.
Another couple weeks had gone by and Tom's bday was approaching.
Let me clarify that we are just friends as of right now!!!!
With that said I did like him but in some of our past conversations I had found things out that didn't match me or my beliefs so even though I knew I could have feelings for him I held myself back because of those things. To be quite honest I was just scared because I knew he could be the real deal! So I decided to just keep talking to this other guy that was nothing but a jerk!
Back to Tom's birthday. Since he was going to be leaving for Iraq soon we wanted to make his birthday as memorable as possible. So we planned a fun weekend at Six Flags. And let me tell you....It. Was. Fun.
Little did I know Tom also had a crush on me! Come to find out(for me a few years later) during that day with my cell phone being in Tom's pocket, that "other" guy that I had been talking kept calling me all day and Tom was pressing the ignore button every time!!! Can you believe that??!!! I can;)
After a great day we all headed back to the hotel to just relax. All of us were just hanging out and having a good time and Matt decided he HAD to have a cigarette!! EWW!!! So I told him I would keep him company so he didn't have to be alone. As we sat outside he started asking me if I liked Tom and I replied that I thought he was a great guy but I didn't like him like that. Then he told me that Tom liked me and I was leading him on!! I had no idea how!!!!!!!!!!!lol So I asked Matt to let him know that I just wanted to be friends.
The next day we headed back home and I had a surprise waiting for him. His favorite cake is a Dairy Queen icecream cake so I searched everywhere within 50 miles and finally found one. When we got to the house we sang happy birthday to him and ate some cake.
As I sat on the couch next to him and ate my cake I started to realize that I really did like this guy I just didn't know if that was enough..............
The next six months would definitely be a journey. His dad was moved to a rehabilitation hospital in Cleveland and under went lots of tests. The result of the accident left him paralyzed from the neck down.
He eventually came home and life continued, but in a new way. Tom was now "the man of the house" doing all the manly duties which meant he had to grow up real fast!! Being only 15 that was quite a job. It definitely brought his family closer together. I really look up to his mom for taking such good care of the man she loved.
Tom's dad lived for five years after the accident and made the most of his life with his family. The last year of his life he was in and out of the hospital and eventually had to be put in a nursing home. His body tried so hard to be strong but in the end couldn't hold on any longer.
On Feb. 10, 2005 he was visited by all his family and was very talkative and seemed to be a good mood. As the day went on he went from being fine to not doing well at all. Tom and his brother were told to come back to the nursing home as soon as they could get there so they could spend the last moments with their father. Things were really not looking good at all but he held on just in time to see Tom one last time. Tom was able to say his goodbyes and tell his dad how much he loved him and then watched him drift on into eternity.
As Tom told me his story you could hear the pain in his voice and see it in his eyes. You could tell how much he loved his dad and wished he could have just one more conversation with him. It pains me to know I will never have the privilege to meet the man that made Tom who he is. I know we would get along so well....at least that's what Tom tells me!!!!!
After such a serious conversation we went to much lighter topics as to what we wanted our futures to look like and how he felt about his upcoming deployment. He was so excited and just couldn't wait to go.
Eventually Vanessa went to bed, Richie and Tom fell asleep in the living room and Matt and I stayed up talking outside the rest of the night and into the morning!!! It was nice to just talk with someone and not worrying about being judged!
They left that next morning with the plan of getting together soon. A couple weeks later we decided to take a beach trip so we packed up the car and headed to the great pacific! We had a great time and just goofing off. Definitely made lots of memories.
Another couple weeks had gone by and Tom's bday was approaching.
Let me clarify that we are just friends as of right now!!!!
With that said I did like him but in some of our past conversations I had found things out that didn't match me or my beliefs so even though I knew I could have feelings for him I held myself back because of those things. To be quite honest I was just scared because I knew he could be the real deal! So I decided to just keep talking to this other guy that was nothing but a jerk!
Back to Tom's birthday. Since he was going to be leaving for Iraq soon we wanted to make his birthday as memorable as possible. So we planned a fun weekend at Six Flags. And let me tell you....It. Was. Fun.
Little did I know Tom also had a crush on me! Come to find out(for me a few years later) during that day with my cell phone being in Tom's pocket, that "other" guy that I had been talking kept calling me all day and Tom was pressing the ignore button every time!!! Can you believe that??!!! I can;)
After a great day we all headed back to the hotel to just relax. All of us were just hanging out and having a good time and Matt decided he HAD to have a cigarette!! EWW!!! So I told him I would keep him company so he didn't have to be alone. As we sat outside he started asking me if I liked Tom and I replied that I thought he was a great guy but I didn't like him like that. Then he told me that Tom liked me and I was leading him on!! I had no idea how!!!!!!!!!!!lol So I asked Matt to let him know that I just wanted to be friends.
The next day we headed back home and I had a surprise waiting for him. His favorite cake is a Dairy Queen icecream cake so I searched everywhere within 50 miles and finally found one. When we got to the house we sang happy birthday to him and ate some cake.
As I sat on the couch next to him and ate my cake I started to realize that I really did like this guy I just didn't know if that was enough..............
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Part 9
.............Ok so now where do I pick up..........................
I guess the next event that happened during that whole "season" of my life was meeting the man who would one day be husband.
July of 2006 I met him.....Thomas James Frounfelker.
Before I even begin I want everyone to know that WE DID NOT MEET ON MYSPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So like I had said before my sister and I had been meeting guys left and right and there had been a few times that myspace had been the route we took. Stupid, ridiculous, immature, ignorant, naive, and any other adjective you can think of.
Well Vanessa (my sister) was again on myspace browsing guys in the area and she found this cute guy that she thought looked nice so she added him as a friend and messaged him. This guy messaged back and so on and so forth. Apparently him and his friends were looking for a place that they could bbq for the 4th of July. So Vanessa told them of a few places and then had the 'great' idea to just invite them over to our house. To be quite honest this guy was super surprised that she did this but he was game. He had the really good idea to meet in a neutral place first to actually meet in person and make sure neither of them were axe murderers or anything like that. Soo she met them at a Denny's nearby and was introduced to the three greatest guys in the entire world! The loud, funny one named Matt, the quiet, smiley one Richie, and the shy, nervous, sit in the corner one TOM.
I had already paid for a hotel room and planned a whole week for myself and my family at the beach so I wasn't going to meet these guys.
They all hit it off so well that she planned to have them over a week later for dinner and so I could meet them.
We made them an awesome meal and then just waited for them to show up....and waited...and waited some more. It was like 9pm before they finally showed up all because of this Tom guy.
Dinner was finally eaten and we all just hung out around the table and talked. The guys were the nicest guys I had ever met. They were so funny and just really genuine. One had already been to Iraq, one was trying to go, and the other one was on his way in just a couple months, hence why they were so late!!!! Training, training, and more training.
In that evening we learned so much about these guys. I really found myself interested in the really shy one that wouldn't look you in the eye because he would then blush!!!!! Hehe
For some reason he was really interested in the Bible that was sitting on the table. I learned he was Lutheran and never really had a Bible like that. In talking about religion I also learned of the traumatic experience that brought him to that point in his life.
Before i go on I have to share something that I might have already mentioned in another post but I can't exactly remember!!!
After Matt died my best friend and I had prayed a prayer that to some people might seem a little weird. We prayed that if the Lord had another man for me in the future that he would have either been through the same kind of situation or something traumatic that we would be able to relate to. Kind of morbid I know but that was my prayer. In my mind I didn't think I could just be with a "normal" kind of guy that had never experienced some kind of loss or experience that would have changed him and his life.
Oh so you would like to know what I learned that night??? Well let me tell you!!!!!
He talked about his childhood and how he grew up. He talked about his siblings and his mom. Then his came his dad. A man I will never meet, converse with, call dad, joke with, get teased by, a man that will never be called grandpa by my daughter, a man we will see on a very special day!!!!!
*~~*
It was a normal week day in which normal tasks were taking place. Him and his dad had been remodeling the house for some time now and his dad decided today was a good day to paint an area that they had built. His mom was preparing dinner as usual, his brother was doing little boy things, and Tom had just got home from wrestling practice.
His dad had a history of having seizures. They believe something in the paint triggered one that day. He started have a seizure which then made him lose control of himself and he fell, if I'm not mistaken about 10ft. of the ground into a glass table. The table shattered and there were screams coming from the kitchen. Tom came running down the stairs to find his dad lying on the floor amongst glass and a huge pool of blood. His little brother went into shock and stood in a corner, his mom was just hysterical as you can imagine. She called 911 and Tom kept telling her to just stand back and calm down. Tom attended to his dad. He of course was unconscious but Tom just kept telling him everything was going to be ok and to hold on just a few more minutes. He did everything he could to stop the blood with his hands. He held his dads head together, literally. He was so calm and collected. The paramedics got there within minutes and loaded him up in the ambulance.
......................Stay tuned for more.................................
I guess the next event that happened during that whole "season" of my life was meeting the man who would one day be husband.
July of 2006 I met him.....Thomas James Frounfelker.
Before I even begin I want everyone to know that WE DID NOT MEET ON MYSPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So like I had said before my sister and I had been meeting guys left and right and there had been a few times that myspace had been the route we took. Stupid, ridiculous, immature, ignorant, naive, and any other adjective you can think of.
Well Vanessa (my sister) was again on myspace browsing guys in the area and she found this cute guy that she thought looked nice so she added him as a friend and messaged him. This guy messaged back and so on and so forth. Apparently him and his friends were looking for a place that they could bbq for the 4th of July. So Vanessa told them of a few places and then had the 'great' idea to just invite them over to our house. To be quite honest this guy was super surprised that she did this but he was game. He had the really good idea to meet in a neutral place first to actually meet in person and make sure neither of them were axe murderers or anything like that. Soo she met them at a Denny's nearby and was introduced to the three greatest guys in the entire world! The loud, funny one named Matt, the quiet, smiley one Richie, and the shy, nervous, sit in the corner one TOM.
I had already paid for a hotel room and planned a whole week for myself and my family at the beach so I wasn't going to meet these guys.
They all hit it off so well that she planned to have them over a week later for dinner and so I could meet them.
We made them an awesome meal and then just waited for them to show up....and waited...and waited some more. It was like 9pm before they finally showed up all because of this Tom guy.
Dinner was finally eaten and we all just hung out around the table and talked. The guys were the nicest guys I had ever met. They were so funny and just really genuine. One had already been to Iraq, one was trying to go, and the other one was on his way in just a couple months, hence why they were so late!!!! Training, training, and more training.
In that evening we learned so much about these guys. I really found myself interested in the really shy one that wouldn't look you in the eye because he would then blush!!!!! Hehe
For some reason he was really interested in the Bible that was sitting on the table. I learned he was Lutheran and never really had a Bible like that. In talking about religion I also learned of the traumatic experience that brought him to that point in his life.
Before i go on I have to share something that I might have already mentioned in another post but I can't exactly remember!!!
After Matt died my best friend and I had prayed a prayer that to some people might seem a little weird. We prayed that if the Lord had another man for me in the future that he would have either been through the same kind of situation or something traumatic that we would be able to relate to. Kind of morbid I know but that was my prayer. In my mind I didn't think I could just be with a "normal" kind of guy that had never experienced some kind of loss or experience that would have changed him and his life.
Oh so you would like to know what I learned that night??? Well let me tell you!!!!!
He talked about his childhood and how he grew up. He talked about his siblings and his mom. Then his came his dad. A man I will never meet, converse with, call dad, joke with, get teased by, a man that will never be called grandpa by my daughter, a man we will see on a very special day!!!!!
*~~*
It was a normal week day in which normal tasks were taking place. Him and his dad had been remodeling the house for some time now and his dad decided today was a good day to paint an area that they had built. His mom was preparing dinner as usual, his brother was doing little boy things, and Tom had just got home from wrestling practice.
His dad had a history of having seizures. They believe something in the paint triggered one that day. He started have a seizure which then made him lose control of himself and he fell, if I'm not mistaken about 10ft. of the ground into a glass table. The table shattered and there were screams coming from the kitchen. Tom came running down the stairs to find his dad lying on the floor amongst glass and a huge pool of blood. His little brother went into shock and stood in a corner, his mom was just hysterical as you can imagine. She called 911 and Tom kept telling her to just stand back and calm down. Tom attended to his dad. He of course was unconscious but Tom just kept telling him everything was going to be ok and to hold on just a few more minutes. He did everything he could to stop the blood with his hands. He held his dads head together, literally. He was so calm and collected. The paramedics got there within minutes and loaded him up in the ambulance.
......................Stay tuned for more.................................
Friday, August 13, 2010
Part 8
I quickly settled into my new home with my sister. My wonderful sister decided to move in with me so I would have a companion and boy am I thankful she did.
We had so much fun together. We would go shopping together, dinners out, bowling, movies, and the list goes on.
We definitely have some memories bowling!!!! The first time we went bowling together we went on base and in our minds we were just gonna bowl the two of us with no distractions.....Well if you have ever been on a Marine base you know otherwise!!!! So we bowled and had fun for a while but then these guys decided they needed to bowl right next to us......That night I had my first kiss since Matt and I hated myself the whole time!
This is when my life took a turn. Just one kiss changed everything.
I never saw that guy again or talked to him. A few weeks later I met another guy in "Applebees". This time I tried to hide my wedding ring. (How awful of me) Eventually the ring came off.
We started talking and he seemed nice.
A week later my sister and I decided to take a spur of the moment trip to Texas to see Matt's best friend. I was so excited to see him!!! I hadn't seen him since that awful day. So in like think 13hrs. we got to Texas.
What was supposed to be an amazing week long trip turned into only a few days because of "this new guy". I started to realize he was a bit controlling and he told me I couldn't go out while I was there and told me I should come home early because I shouldn't be there.
Well the stupid broken girl that I was listened to him. Why??? I just wanted to be loved so if that meant doing what some stranger told me to do than I guess I was going to do it.
I came back home just in time to do Easter at my new house with all my family. I was really excited to host my family function.
I invited that "guy" because I wanted everyone to meet this person that I thought was just perfect! *gag me*
He ended up coming and literally staying for 5 minutes. He said it just didn't feel right being with my family since I was married and he figured they were judging him. Whatever!!!!!!!
But again I just wanted to be loved so I stuck it out with the guy a little bit longer. He would never let me talk about Matt because it freaked him out that I was married and apparently was a turn off!
Trying to date was next to impossible because as soon as I would tell a guy I was a widow, they would freeze up and then I wouldn't hear from them or they would tell me they didn't want anything serious just "friends with benefits"!!!!
End of April I went to Kentucky to see my "brother" and meet his parents. I also went to go to Thunder over Louisville because Matt had always told me how awesome it was and we had planned to go that year. You can imagine how excited I was.
As soon as I saw him in the airport I just ran into his arms. I needed to feel the love and strength from the only "big brother" I had ever had. He had also brought his girlfriend who is now his wife and it was really nice to meet her.
Every day I was there was so fun but the nights were the worst because that "guy" was telling me I shouldn't be there and telling me everything I should be doing.
We went to Thunder over Louisville and it was amazing! I have never seen so many fireworks in my life. I cried the entire time! I could actually feel the boom in my chest. I felt like Matt was standing right next to me the whole time just as we planned. It was a happy and sad moment all in one and my brother's girlfriend was the sweetest person because she just held me in her arms the whole time and let me cry.
After that amazing trip I came back to reality and also finally realized what an idiot I was for keeping this guy around. I told him that I wasn't the type of girl that would conform to what he wanted and I wouldn't be controlled or told what to do. I told him I wasn't the person for him and we should go our separate ways, which was pretty easy considering he had just moved back to his home town in another state.
It wasn't long before there was another guy. I made the biggest mistake with that one and to this day wish I could take it back. That one choice had a domino effect!
I had become so bitter toward God and anything that was associated to it that I went the completely other direction. I didn't want to go to church anymore but I did every once in awhile to make my mom happy. It was hard to be around my best friend because her life seemed perfect and she always brought God into the conversations and I just didn't want to hear it anymore.
Within five months I had become my worst nightmare. The only way I can explain it is that my head and my heart disconnected. I didn't care, I didn't think about the consequences. I gave myself to guys in ways I can never get back, I had become the highlight of conversation in certain areas, I had my phone number being past around barracks without my knowledge, and along the way brought my sister down with me. You have NO idea how horrible I feel about that every day because I could have saved her from so much if I was the sister I should have been. Instead she was put through situations where she had to be like a mother to me. There were nights I was so wasted that she or some guy had to carry me to the car and on the way home she would have to force me to eat something to absorb everything in my body. I can say that I never did try a drug in all those months but alcohol had become my best friend. It numbed my body and my feelings.
Am I proud of any of this? Absolutely not! Was any of it right? In no way was it. Was I hurting? YES!!!!!!!!!!!! Was I trying to fill a void? You better believe it!
I was trying to find something to fill that hole in my chest and instead I filled it with scar after scar. I think one of the worst scars I have is someone "having" me without my consent. It was very scary and has affected me for life. Honestly I am very lucky to just be alive but more than that I'm lucky I have no diseases or children out of the foolishness I engaged in. God is a loving, gracious God and He spared from so much pain. The scars will be there forever and no matter how hard I try to forget everything I have done it is all still there. I wish so badly I could take it all back but I know that everything that has happened had brought me to where I am today.
~**********~
My Lord has forgiven me for hurt I have caused Him and if anyone that had any hurt through this I pray you will forgive me as well. It is very hard to open up about the horrible things you do it life and I have buried it all so deep down that talking about this opens those wounds all over again. If anyone has been offended in reading this part of my journey I apologize but its life, its my life and if I'm going to write the whole journey I can't leave out any part of it.
...........................................Part 9 is up next.........................................
We had so much fun together. We would go shopping together, dinners out, bowling, movies, and the list goes on.
We definitely have some memories bowling!!!! The first time we went bowling together we went on base and in our minds we were just gonna bowl the two of us with no distractions.....Well if you have ever been on a Marine base you know otherwise!!!! So we bowled and had fun for a while but then these guys decided they needed to bowl right next to us......That night I had my first kiss since Matt and I hated myself the whole time!
This is when my life took a turn. Just one kiss changed everything.
I never saw that guy again or talked to him. A few weeks later I met another guy in "Applebees". This time I tried to hide my wedding ring. (How awful of me) Eventually the ring came off.
We started talking and he seemed nice.
A week later my sister and I decided to take a spur of the moment trip to Texas to see Matt's best friend. I was so excited to see him!!! I hadn't seen him since that awful day. So in like think 13hrs. we got to Texas.
What was supposed to be an amazing week long trip turned into only a few days because of "this new guy". I started to realize he was a bit controlling and he told me I couldn't go out while I was there and told me I should come home early because I shouldn't be there.
Well the stupid broken girl that I was listened to him. Why??? I just wanted to be loved so if that meant doing what some stranger told me to do than I guess I was going to do it.
I came back home just in time to do Easter at my new house with all my family. I was really excited to host my family function.
I invited that "guy" because I wanted everyone to meet this person that I thought was just perfect! *gag me*
He ended up coming and literally staying for 5 minutes. He said it just didn't feel right being with my family since I was married and he figured they were judging him. Whatever!!!!!!!
But again I just wanted to be loved so I stuck it out with the guy a little bit longer. He would never let me talk about Matt because it freaked him out that I was married and apparently was a turn off!
Trying to date was next to impossible because as soon as I would tell a guy I was a widow, they would freeze up and then I wouldn't hear from them or they would tell me they didn't want anything serious just "friends with benefits"!!!!
End of April I went to Kentucky to see my "brother" and meet his parents. I also went to go to Thunder over Louisville because Matt had always told me how awesome it was and we had planned to go that year. You can imagine how excited I was.
As soon as I saw him in the airport I just ran into his arms. I needed to feel the love and strength from the only "big brother" I had ever had. He had also brought his girlfriend who is now his wife and it was really nice to meet her.
Every day I was there was so fun but the nights were the worst because that "guy" was telling me I shouldn't be there and telling me everything I should be doing.
We went to Thunder over Louisville and it was amazing! I have never seen so many fireworks in my life. I cried the entire time! I could actually feel the boom in my chest. I felt like Matt was standing right next to me the whole time just as we planned. It was a happy and sad moment all in one and my brother's girlfriend was the sweetest person because she just held me in her arms the whole time and let me cry.
After that amazing trip I came back to reality and also finally realized what an idiot I was for keeping this guy around. I told him that I wasn't the type of girl that would conform to what he wanted and I wouldn't be controlled or told what to do. I told him I wasn't the person for him and we should go our separate ways, which was pretty easy considering he had just moved back to his home town in another state.
It wasn't long before there was another guy. I made the biggest mistake with that one and to this day wish I could take it back. That one choice had a domino effect!
I had become so bitter toward God and anything that was associated to it that I went the completely other direction. I didn't want to go to church anymore but I did every once in awhile to make my mom happy. It was hard to be around my best friend because her life seemed perfect and she always brought God into the conversations and I just didn't want to hear it anymore.
Within five months I had become my worst nightmare. The only way I can explain it is that my head and my heart disconnected. I didn't care, I didn't think about the consequences. I gave myself to guys in ways I can never get back, I had become the highlight of conversation in certain areas, I had my phone number being past around barracks without my knowledge, and along the way brought my sister down with me. You have NO idea how horrible I feel about that every day because I could have saved her from so much if I was the sister I should have been. Instead she was put through situations where she had to be like a mother to me. There were nights I was so wasted that she or some guy had to carry me to the car and on the way home she would have to force me to eat something to absorb everything in my body. I can say that I never did try a drug in all those months but alcohol had become my best friend. It numbed my body and my feelings.
Am I proud of any of this? Absolutely not! Was any of it right? In no way was it. Was I hurting? YES!!!!!!!!!!!! Was I trying to fill a void? You better believe it!
I was trying to find something to fill that hole in my chest and instead I filled it with scar after scar. I think one of the worst scars I have is someone "having" me without my consent. It was very scary and has affected me for life. Honestly I am very lucky to just be alive but more than that I'm lucky I have no diseases or children out of the foolishness I engaged in. God is a loving, gracious God and He spared from so much pain. The scars will be there forever and no matter how hard I try to forget everything I have done it is all still there. I wish so badly I could take it all back but I know that everything that has happened had brought me to where I am today.
~**********~
My Lord has forgiven me for hurt I have caused Him and if anyone that had any hurt through this I pray you will forgive me as well. It is very hard to open up about the horrible things you do it life and I have buried it all so deep down that talking about this opens those wounds all over again. If anyone has been offended in reading this part of my journey I apologize but its life, its my life and if I'm going to write the whole journey I can't leave out any part of it.
...........................................Part 9 is up next.........................................
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Part 7
We boarded the plane and headed for California. There were so many couples on that plane and in the airports all so happy and excited to get to their destinations for the holidays. I was so jealous.....
We landed and got off the plane. As I walked out of terminal I was so nervous because I knew there were going to be family and friends waiting at the gate to greet us. I knew this meant it would make everything real for my family and that made it that much harder for me.
Everyone greeted us with smiles and tears. We hugged and cried and headed home.
The next person I had to face was my daddy! He wasn't able to be with me because someone had to hold down the fort and try to keep things normal but he ended up getting sick because of all the stress so that left my sister to do everything!
When I walked through the door he just hugged me and didn't want to let go. It was so nice to feel his arms around me;)
The next day I had to face everyone at church which was torture but I went because my mom asked me to go. Luckily after the service we able to hide out in the pastor's office so I wasn't bombarded with people and questions.
The next week was Christmas. It was the worst Christmas written in history....well at least my history book! I not only had to open gifts given to me but I also had to open gifts that were for Matt or for the both of us. I did try to make the best of it for my family.
After new years my parents went on a cruise that they had planned months before and I encouraged them to still go and enjoy themselves. Everyone couldn't stop their lives just because mine did, right?!
Once February came around I decided it was time for me to go back to the place I once called home. At least for a couple months to get things in order and spend some time with Matt's family.
So right before my 20th birthday I left all my stability and went back to "my home". My Granny flew back with me so I wouldn't have to do it alone.
My in-laws picked us up at the airport and it was really nice to see them.
The plan was to take us to my house but when we pulled up in the driveway the first thing I saw was his truck.....I immediately started crying hysterically. My first thought was that he was home but of course he wasn't. I didn't even want to get out of the car. So we ended up going to my in-laws house and stayed the night there.
The next morning we drove back over to my house and I had to finally face the empty house I was once called my home.
I walked in and it was so cold and quiet. Everything was exactly as how I left it. I was ok until I walked into my bedroom. The room that shared so many special moments. I just lost it and fell on the bed and gripped his pillow. My granny just sat there and comforted me.
My granny only stayed a couple days and then we had to take her back to the airport. After she left I felt all alone again. You may ask why I felt alone when I had my in-laws right down the street......Well the way I grieved wasn't really excepted and I think looking back now I can see that they were just really hurting and took a lot of it out on me. So yes I felt alone with no one to really understand what I was feeling or going through.
However, one of my sister-in-laws did move in with me so I didn't have to be alone at night. On those nights that I couldn't sleep and my sis-in-law had to work, Matt's best friend was great at being there for me and talking to me all night long. I really appreciated it as felt that he actually understood me. That wasn't taken very well either by some of Matt's family because they thought it was inappropriate to be talking to him late at night and because I was still "married". Well I'm here to tell you that those conversations helped me so much and we were just friends.
In the two months I was there my days consisted of shopping, shopping,and more shopping. For me shopping was my "out". It made me feel better for the moment but the feeling would wear off so I would have to do it again. Plus I didn't like being in the house alone during the day so I would go out. There were times when I did stay home and something would come in the mail or I would see a picture or recall a memory and I would just cry and then I would get angry and scream and throw things. I hated feeling that way so I did things to keep my mind off of it. THIS WAS NOT HEALTHY AT ALL. I don't recommend it for anyone dealing with a death or any other type of loss. Grieve however you need to, so if that means throwing things or screaming than do it!
The end of February my sister came out for a visit. I drove to Wichita, Kansas to pick her up and we stayed there for the night. We went out to the club that Matt and I would go to when we were there. It was fun. The next day we drove back to Boonville.
I had been really thinking about moving back home to California so it was really nice to have someone to talk to about it that would see it from my point of view. So I discussed it with my sister and we decided that it would probably be best for me if I move as soon as possible. I asked her if she would be with me when I told my in-laws because I knew it would be hard for them. She agreed to it of course.
On that Sunday evening before church I sat and talked to them. I told them my plans and asked them to please support me. I knew it was going to be hard to except but I needed to do what was best for me. My mother-in-law asked me if she could help pack things and I told her I had already asked my parents to come and help me with that because I knew I couldn't do it and I told her I didn't think it would be a good idea if she was there either because it would just make it harder for both of us. I didn't want to go through his stuff I just wanted to pack it up and not think about it.
Middle of March my parents came in and we(pretty much my mom) packed everything up. My in-laws decided to leave for the weekend and not say goodbye because they said it was to hard.
The u-haul was packed and we were off. We arrived in my home town a few days later. The moment I arrived in California I decided that I was done being sad and crying and just grieving in general. I was going to start a new chapter in my life and forget about my past.
I stayed with my parents for three days and then found a house in town to rent. I moved in right away. A few days later my best friend had her first baby and I was right next to her to welcome him into this world. It was so amazing! I was so happy for her and her husband but I couldn't help but feel jealous and sad. She had everything I wanted. I envied her life.
..........................Next part of the journey.....Well just stay tuned............................
We landed and got off the plane. As I walked out of terminal I was so nervous because I knew there were going to be family and friends waiting at the gate to greet us. I knew this meant it would make everything real for my family and that made it that much harder for me.
Everyone greeted us with smiles and tears. We hugged and cried and headed home.
The next person I had to face was my daddy! He wasn't able to be with me because someone had to hold down the fort and try to keep things normal but he ended up getting sick because of all the stress so that left my sister to do everything!
When I walked through the door he just hugged me and didn't want to let go. It was so nice to feel his arms around me;)
The next day I had to face everyone at church which was torture but I went because my mom asked me to go. Luckily after the service we able to hide out in the pastor's office so I wasn't bombarded with people and questions.
The next week was Christmas. It was the worst Christmas written in history....well at least my history book! I not only had to open gifts given to me but I also had to open gifts that were for Matt or for the both of us. I did try to make the best of it for my family.
After new years my parents went on a cruise that they had planned months before and I encouraged them to still go and enjoy themselves. Everyone couldn't stop their lives just because mine did, right?!
Once February came around I decided it was time for me to go back to the place I once called home. At least for a couple months to get things in order and spend some time with Matt's family.
So right before my 20th birthday I left all my stability and went back to "my home". My Granny flew back with me so I wouldn't have to do it alone.
My in-laws picked us up at the airport and it was really nice to see them.
The plan was to take us to my house but when we pulled up in the driveway the first thing I saw was his truck.....I immediately started crying hysterically. My first thought was that he was home but of course he wasn't. I didn't even want to get out of the car. So we ended up going to my in-laws house and stayed the night there.
The next morning we drove back over to my house and I had to finally face the empty house I was once called my home.
I walked in and it was so cold and quiet. Everything was exactly as how I left it. I was ok until I walked into my bedroom. The room that shared so many special moments. I just lost it and fell on the bed and gripped his pillow. My granny just sat there and comforted me.
My granny only stayed a couple days and then we had to take her back to the airport. After she left I felt all alone again. You may ask why I felt alone when I had my in-laws right down the street......Well the way I grieved wasn't really excepted and I think looking back now I can see that they were just really hurting and took a lot of it out on me. So yes I felt alone with no one to really understand what I was feeling or going through.
However, one of my sister-in-laws did move in with me so I didn't have to be alone at night. On those nights that I couldn't sleep and my sis-in-law had to work, Matt's best friend was great at being there for me and talking to me all night long. I really appreciated it as felt that he actually understood me. That wasn't taken very well either by some of Matt's family because they thought it was inappropriate to be talking to him late at night and because I was still "married". Well I'm here to tell you that those conversations helped me so much and we were just friends.
In the two months I was there my days consisted of shopping, shopping,and more shopping. For me shopping was my "out". It made me feel better for the moment but the feeling would wear off so I would have to do it again. Plus I didn't like being in the house alone during the day so I would go out. There were times when I did stay home and something would come in the mail or I would see a picture or recall a memory and I would just cry and then I would get angry and scream and throw things. I hated feeling that way so I did things to keep my mind off of it. THIS WAS NOT HEALTHY AT ALL. I don't recommend it for anyone dealing with a death or any other type of loss. Grieve however you need to, so if that means throwing things or screaming than do it!
The end of February my sister came out for a visit. I drove to Wichita, Kansas to pick her up and we stayed there for the night. We went out to the club that Matt and I would go to when we were there. It was fun. The next day we drove back to Boonville.
I had been really thinking about moving back home to California so it was really nice to have someone to talk to about it that would see it from my point of view. So I discussed it with my sister and we decided that it would probably be best for me if I move as soon as possible. I asked her if she would be with me when I told my in-laws because I knew it would be hard for them. She agreed to it of course.
On that Sunday evening before church I sat and talked to them. I told them my plans and asked them to please support me. I knew it was going to be hard to except but I needed to do what was best for me. My mother-in-law asked me if she could help pack things and I told her I had already asked my parents to come and help me with that because I knew I couldn't do it and I told her I didn't think it would be a good idea if she was there either because it would just make it harder for both of us. I didn't want to go through his stuff I just wanted to pack it up and not think about it.
Middle of March my parents came in and we(pretty much my mom) packed everything up. My in-laws decided to leave for the weekend and not say goodbye because they said it was to hard.
The u-haul was packed and we were off. We arrived in my home town a few days later. The moment I arrived in California I decided that I was done being sad and crying and just grieving in general. I was going to start a new chapter in my life and forget about my past.
I stayed with my parents for three days and then found a house in town to rent. I moved in right away. A few days later my best friend had her first baby and I was right next to her to welcome him into this world. It was so amazing! I was so happy for her and her husband but I couldn't help but feel jealous and sad. She had everything I wanted. I envied her life.
..........................Next part of the journey.....Well just stay tuned............................
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