9 years later!

Hello world!

Its been quite a while since I have been around here. So many times I wanted to write but didn't know what to say.

Life sure has had its ups and down the past year, but here I am.

Today marks what would have been 9 years of marriage. Its crazy to me to think I would have been married that long.

But I want to share something I have kept quiet about.

To me this marriage was/is very real. I married this man with the full intention of spending the rest of my life with him. We all know that didn't happen though.

This past February my VERY real marriage to this man was challenged.

As you all know I have had a rough journey with ones in his family. This hasn't been easy nor did I ever want it that way.

Valentines day this year exceeded all past conflicts.

A very private part of me and my beloved was taken from us. Some may say I'm selfish to hold onto pieces of us for only me but I get to be selfish. Plain and simple.

My wedding pictures....

Matt never saw them in person just on the computer. I didn't receive them until a year after our wedding.

So for me these photos were very intimate. Still are.

My wedding day is something I hold onto very close to my heart.

One can only imagine then when logging on to internet to then find ALL of your pictures post for the world to see quite shocking.

I have only ever had that feeling in my stomach one other time and that was when my Matt was taken from me.

And now this.

This is how things have always been. No one ever thinks about how it might affect others or their feelings.

These pictures were not just of me and my husband. There were pictures of lots of others that have died or divorced. Do you really think they wanted to see those either? Probably not!

With all of this I received message and message. Some from friends and family showing support and love. Others not so much.

I have basically been told that because he died our marriage is null and void and he belongs to them.

Just lots of hurtful hurtful things.

Let me just say I have the BEST husband in the world. He stayed by my side the entire day and held me as I sobbed. Since it was Valentines day I had plans to make a special dinner for my family but after all of that I had no more energy to do anything. He decided to get me out of the house and get my mind off of everything. He took both of his girls to dinner :)

We have talked about how to move forward from all of this and slowly we are. Unfortunately some things are going to just take more time but I can't go into that.

9 years later and I never saw things being like this.

I always wonder where we would be in our life, how many kids we would have, what struggles we would have faced, what our love would look like now.

I miss him still so much. Every time I see his face I fall in love with him again. I loved his crooked smile and they way he looked at me.

My vows meant the world to me and just because we aren't physically together doesn't me I can't still hold them dear. They still matter to me. I don't care if they don't mean anything to anything one else.

He was MY husband and no one can take that from me. I get the final say. I make the decisions that concern him.

Because they are mine and I want to here are a few of our special day I would like to share :)

I hope you enjoyed some of my most precious memories :)

Wiping away the dust

I can't believe how long its been since I last wrote! That tells you how my life has been going...
Don't get me wrong life has been great but a little busy!! Being a wife and mom full time plus running a business has kept me more than occupied! I'm so blessed how much my business has grown in last year! Its amazing what word of mouth a little advertising can do! Well instead of rambling here I want to tell the world the awesome things happening in our life now.

If you have followed my blog for a while you know a lot of my story. You know the struggles that Tom and I have experienced...to an extent. To think of where we were just two years ago and where we are now is a complete 180! We have come so far from the couple who almost lost each, or maybe even did for a while, to a couple that is determined to make it to 80 years of marriage! Yes we still have our days but who doesn't. We still struggle trying to find the quiet time for just 'us' but we are doing it, one step at a time. We have made it 5 years! This year was very special to us because today in this world a lot of couples don't make it this far! So to us 5 years is a huge deal!! As I have said many times love is choice and we are choosing every day to keep going>3
Then we have our 4 year old beauty who knows how to keep us searching for the right ways to parent. She has a way of making us feel like we are the biggest failures but then 5 minutes later shows us that we are doing something right. We have found parenting is seriously the most difficult job in the world but has the best rewards. Our girl is so smart and has the most creative imagination. She has a heart that is so open and ready to love. She loves Jesus and has so many questions about him. I really believe God gave her a special heart to have compassion for those who have lost and a way at a young to understand death. She is so curious about Matt and her grandpa(tom's dad). Her mind loves to create a whole new magical world that she pulls Tom and I into. She is so in love with her daddy and call him her prince. I really hope she never loses that. Choosing to just have her as our one and only has made me appreciate my time with her and watch her grow in a different way.

One of the biggest things to happen in my life this year though just happened two months ago.
My sister has come back in my life!! I prayed and prayed and cried and prayed for a year and a half and it finally happened. On a Sunday afternoon I found an email waiting for me that put me in a state of shock that I have only experienced one other time in my life 7 years ago. I didn't know if it was real or a practical joke someone was playing on me. I can tell you it wasn't and in the past two months I have had a hole in my heart start to fill. I truly didn't know if I would ever hear from her again but am so happy that God has brought us back together! The bond between sisters can't never truly be broken! I'm so looking forward to the journey her and I will take together from this point forward!

Lastly is our Army life. As much as we miss the Marine Corps and wish we could still be in it, we are so thankful for the Army and what it has provided for us. We have been at Fort Hood, TX. now for a year and a half and though I really don't like it here I have made the best of it. We have made a lots of great friends that have been like a family and Kaity has had lots of little people to play with. I have learned so much about this life being here and have loved the opportunity to be a big part of Tom's unit.
But.....our time is slowly coming to and end because in just a short six months we will be heading to the beautiful state of HAWAII  for 4 years!!!! To say we are excited is an understatement! We are ecstatic!
We have been waiting 5 years to go back to that paradise never once thinking it would be for more than a week or two!
Moving there is going to bring on a whole new set of adventures for this family mine and we can't wait!  We plan to travel and see as much as we can and allow Kaity to experience a whole new world.
Most of the people that have known me forever might have a heart attack when they hear this but I will probably be taking on homeschooling! Yes I said it out loud for everyone to hear HOMESCHOOLING! So any advice would be greatly appreciated!

So this is our life right now! Crazy busy life and we are loving it!

The happenings of August

This month is a full month. Lots of happy going on but a few sad/bittersweet happenings as well.

 First All the happy:) My hubby is turning the big 28 in 12 days, we have been together 6 years in 3 weeks, gosh I can't believe how time has flown, and lastly princess and I will be going home in 15 days to see my family!

Needless to say we are very busy right now. Hubby working and me trying to get all my clients in before I leave and getting in as much family time in as well.

Then there are the sad/bittersweet moments in this month. Today being one of them. 

Today Matt and I would be married 7 years. 

Its hard to believe seven years ago I was walking down the aisle to say 'I do' to the man I thought I would spend the rest of MY life with. I remember walking to him and never once thinking our happiness could end and I pictured us rocking on our wraparound porch at the age of 70 sipping sweet tea. 

It was at the young age of 19 the best day of my life.

I miss him so.

I wonder sometimes what our life would be like now. How many kids we would have, where we would be, and all the other little details of life.

I miss the way he said 'I can't'. He couldn't say it like a normal person lol he said it with his sexy Kentucky accent. It drove me crazy but I would do anything just to hear him say it one more time.

So today is bittersweet. I will remember the sweetest man and husband that God gave me 7 years ago and all the happiness we shared as a married couple in our short lifetime together. I love you forever and ever MY MATT<3 div="div">

And now to the sad.....

This month will mark one year since the last time I saw or spoke to my sister.

I miss her more than words can describe.

I have told my husband countless times how this feels worse than when Matt died. The reason being that I knew I wouldn't be seeing him again and that death is final, I knew he was gone. With my sister on the other hand, I know she is alive. I know there is the possibility of seeing her again but that she doesn't want to be seen. 

I feel like a part of me has died. 

I was just thinking yesterday that the one person I would call just to talk about nothing with and laugh over the silly things I do, the only one who would understand me in all my weirdness wants nothing to do with me.

There is a constant ache in my stomach when I think of her. I dream of her at least 3 times a week and every dream she comes back into my life.

I long to lay on the bed and her be upside down and laugh til we pee our pants because of how hilarious it is to watch a mouth move upside down! haha

I miss seeing her with my little girl. She has missed so much in this last year of her life. I know she would be so proud of her and just die watching her play and all the silly things she does.

I know God is in complete control over all of this and I just wish He would restore our family.

I question Him everyday why He hasn't. 

I miss her.

At one time in my life August was to be the happiest month of the year. Though through the years this month has brought lots of sadness my God brought me the man that would bring life and happiness back in it. 

Happy birthday my Tom and happy six years of being together:) I love you and thank you for being my light in the darkness.

Reflection

Today as made me reflect on my life in a few different areas. Today this world lost a wonderful wife, and mother. I lost a cousin but more importantly and man lost his wife, a little boy lost him momma, a set of parents lost their daughter, siblings lost their sister, and the list goes on.

With all this it took me back to "that" day. The day I lost my whole world. I have had a knot in my stomach all day thinking about my cousin and the pain he is feeling right now. I hurt so bad for him.

But today has made me remember how precious life truly is and how blessed I really am. Lately I have taken for granted the blessing of being a momma. In day to day life I get caught up in the little things that annoy me or the things my little one does that turn nice mommy into not so nice mommy. Lately I have sent my little girl to her room because I have been exhausted instead of embracing the moments I get to be here mommy. As a wife I have taken for granted the love my husband has for me. I realize I need to kiss him more and tell him over and over how much I love him. I also thought about all my family I don't talk to very often and want to make more of an effort to keep communication open with all of them.

But now tonight at almost 2 in the morning I can't stop looking at my sister's wedding slide show. The happiness on her face, the love I see in her eyes, and the love between her and I. Life is really too short to hold grudges and allow distance to grow between each other. Each day that passes I miss my sister more and more but there is nothing I can do but pray. I have let go of any anger built up and forgiven everything and those who really know me, know that isn't the kind of person I am. But with her its different. I would do anything to put things back to the way they used to be. I long to have my sister back. Every day it feels like she has died but worse because she hasn't.

So don't let tomorrow come before telling the ones you love how much they mean to you. Mend broken relationships if you have the opportunity too. You just might not have another chance!

Missing you

Missing you tonight......not really for any reason in particular.

I keep seeing your little grin in my mind and hear the cute way you said your words.

It all brings a smile to my face but for some reason my heart is aching.

I have so much to be thankful for and I love my life but right now I just want YOU.

Some may not understand and that is ok.

Sweetheart can you do me a favor tonight?

I need to see you and feel you. Even if its just a glimpse. You haven't come to visit me in a while in my dreams and right now I need you to.

Matthew Nathanael I miss you so much right now.....I know I'm saying it over and over right now but I do. ~

This is my heart tonight so those that have a quick second please say a prayer for a peace to come over me to rest easy.

Our Christmas choice

So it seems there has been a lot of talk about Santa and Baby Jesus lately. It has caused me to do a lot of soul searching and figuring out what I believe.

My parents decided when I was young that they would tell me the 'truth' about Santa and that they are the ones that made Christmas happen. Their reasoning behind it was they were taught through the church that it was like lying to me and if they were going to lie to me about Santa then I would question what they taught me about Jesus since I couldn't see him either. Honestly it didn't hurt me at all knowing the truth and I wasn't heart broken. I wasn't one of those kids that went around and told all the others kids Santa wasn't real. My parents explained that some kids believed and it wasn't my place to tell them otherwise.

As a child though I did look at Santa as kind of 'bad' because, how dare he lie to all those children!

Just to clarify I believe my parents were doing what they thought was right for my brother and I by telling us the truth.

Tom on the other hand grew up with Santa in their home. He says he knew at a young age he wasn't real because he snuck in his parents closet and found the presents! (he was naughty as a little boy he he) I remember the first Christmas Tom and I were together his mom wrote 'from Santa' on some of my presents and it felt weird because I had never had presents say that before! My presents always had a reindeer name on them(my mom gave us a reindeer name every year and we didn't find out which one we were til Christmas morning:)).

So our little bug actually understands the Christmas thing this year and up until this year I had it in my mind we were going to tell her the truth but still "pretend" just for fun. But after much thought and reading we together have decided that we are going to do the whole Christmas thing. Every part of it and I'm probably more excited than my three year old!

We are going to do Santa and baby Jesus. I believe that it is perfectly fine for her to believe a nice old man brings her presents. We will teach her the history of St. Nick as she gets older when she can understand. She will also know about Jesus and the manger. I feel that her believing in a white bearded man will not affect her believing in the One who will save her one day.

So Tom has agreed to get a Santa suit and actually put her presents under the tree after she has gone to bed just in case she peeks:) He will eat her cookies she makes every year and drink the Pepsi she puts out. ( our Santa only drinks Pepsi...a tradition Tom's dad started when they were kids) We will leave footprints and reindeer tracks. I can't wait to pretend and be a kid all over again!

December # 6

Its December. The month I dread every year. Its been almost six years and this year seems to be harder than last year.

Maybe its because I'm starting a whole new life here in Texas so a lot of little memories have been surfacing of when Matt and I moved to Missouri. You see, this is mine and Tom's first 'real' move away from family. I haven't lived outside of California since I moved back almost six years ago so I have always had my family to hold me close and support me during this time of year.

Maybe its because we are settled now and I have a lot of time now to think about my life and how different things are going to be now. Training, deployments, and such. So nervousness is setting is as well.

Or maybe its that Matt's sister just had her second baby and it is a little boy who they have named after him. I have watched all the little videos of this new beginning of theirs and am so happy for them but can't help but look at all the videos and pictures and think of all Matt is missing. I know he would have loved these to precious angels his sisters has now and I know how much he loved kids so he would have been a great uncle. And then part of me wishing I could have a small part in their lives to share the part of their uncle with them that I hold so dear.

Through all of this though, I have a wonderful husband who is focusing so much on helping me through all of this 'stuff' this year. I know he feels as though he isn't doing a good enough job but what he doesn't realize is that him just sitting and holding me and giving the little kiss on my forehead is all I really need right now. I just need to know I'm loved and that my feelings are being taken care of and he really is doing just that!

So as I struggle through this month I ask anyone who reads this to please just say a little prayer for me. My family needs me and I want to make this year special since it will just be the three of us for Christmas, but I sure am feeling weak in the strength department.