An urgent hault!

I'm going to take a few minutes away from my story because I need to write about "today" instead of "yesterday" RIGHT NOW!!!!

Over that past five years I have learned that know matter what happens to you in life, life still goes on. It doesn't stop. Not for you, not for me, not for anyone.

Well lately I have been having a hard time dealing with that.

Lots of changes have been happening in just my life recently that I am dealing with but furthermore changes in the people around me have been having an affect on me.

Before I go on you all must know how blessed I am to have the family God has given me and that I DO know how much I am loved and how special I am.

Through my story you have all learned of things I have gone through and you have all been so gracious about it.

When I lost my husband almost five years ago there was also a family who lost their son. The pain they must have gone through and still do I hope I will never have to understand.

That family over the last five years have gone through their own set of trials and have pulled through the best way they knew how. They have moved forward in their lives and have kept on living.

Because of the distance, hurt, and pain that is still there I have not been a part of that moving forward.

Mostly my choice but not in every case.

If none of this makes sense I do apology but I am just letting my fingers go to town with whatever is going on in this brain of mine....I know scary!!!!

In the recent months my brother-in-law, who is now all grown up and is very hard for me to comprehend because the last time I saw him he was still a teenager, is now courting a young woman who he originally met because of mine and Matt's wedding.

I know this all sounds wonderful and it is....

But I don't get to be a part of it!!!

The families are meeting for the "second" time this weekend and the two people responsible for this (excluding the Lord of course, who is ultimately the one responsible) won't be there.

I'm so happy for the cute little couple but I'm also very jealous.

Jealous because I'm not included in this, jealous because Matt can't be there, jealous because I feel like my place is being taken.

I know these feeling are absurd but this is how I feel at this moment.

My husband encouraged me to write about this to help get it out of my heart because it is breaking right now.

I just want to be happy and feel happy for them too.....

They get to move forward and bring new people into the family and I get to see it happen.

I feel like a part of me is dead and only they can give it life.

Being with them though is too hard because then I will realize once again what I lost and that is to painful to bear.

I have tears streaming down my face at this very minute because I hurt so bad.

So please anyone that reads this please pray for me as I face this mountain that I am climbing.

With all of that we are in November, the hardest month of the year for me.

This is the month that Matt and I did everything together. Thanksgiving was the only holiday we shared together and I just have so many happy memories with him during this month.

Thank you all for listening as I continue to give you my heart.