WIPING OFF THE DUST AND RIPPING THE BAND AID OFF!

Well hello!! It's been a long hot minute since I have even opened my blog. I honestly can't even remember when I did last. There has been a lot on my heart lately and I think it's time to start writing again. I think the best way to do this is just to jump right it. Rip the band aid off right?!

A few weeks ago my husband and I started therapy again. We decided to do this more of a proactive move for our marriage. We aren't in a really bad place but when we see warning signs instead of ignoring them or trying to fix them on our own and fail we seek counsel from a third party to help us navigate through it all. I think all marriages should do this. It shows that your marriage is actually healthier than you think and on the right track.

This is where things get messy. Through this more of my past is being brought to the fore front.  I did counseling long ago as well as grief group therapy. I worked through a lot of crap and dealt with a lot I never wanted to, but as we know grief is a journey that never ends. Almost 13 years later here I sit writing about it.

It's been said now by our counselor and a family friend that the way I'm living my life is unhealthy. That I'm holding onto my past and not letting it go.
I have been told it's not normal to have a picture of my deceased husband in my home (by said friend).
I've been told I talk about him and say him name too much ( by said friend).
I was literally put into a full anxiety attack because of a "hypothetical" situation where my husband is uncomfortable with this photo and my "habit" of talking about my first husband ( by said friend).

The last two weeks I have soul searched and really reflected on all of this. I don't see our counselor until next week and I fully plan to talk about all of this and see if she has thought about the confusing thoughts she was having.

During this time of reflection I have sought others advice and thoughts. I have also been given so many signs that have made a lot of these things very clear to me.

This is what I have realized or already knew just needed to remember.

1. I'm not living an unhealthy life.
2. I have moved forward though I do agree with our counselor that there are still things I need to release and work through and therefore I will be going back to my own personal therapy.
3. It's completely normal and ok to have a picture of my Matt in my home.
4. It's not confusing for my children to see him and hear about him.
5. It's healthy and normal to say him name and keep his memory alive.
6. You don't ever 'get over' grief or loss.
7. My husband fully supports me and is more than ok with how I have chosen to keep Matt's memory alive in our life.
8. Those who have never been through what you have have no clue what they are talking about! (professionals have schooling and research and lots of insight but its still not the same if that haven't experienced it)
9. No one will tell me how to live my life or go through my grief journey unless you are a professional I'm seeking counsel from or my husband.
10. I am a widow and a wife. They are two in the same person. They each have their own place and are equally as important.
11. I have opened my heart four times in my life and that is extremely special to me. Matt, Tom, Kaity, Parker.
12. This journey has so many twists and turns and you never know what will happen next.
13. My feelings and emotions are valid and mean something.
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Losing my husband at such a young age when life was just beginning has left a lasting impression on me. I truly feel it hit my heart in a way that up to this point I haven't realized what it actually did to me. A piece of me died. That piece controls my emotions, vulnerability, empathy, sympathy, ant d compassion. Now that I have fully acknowledged this I want to heal it and come back to life. I know I will never be that same person I was before. I don't want be. I want to be better.

This post is so honest and real for me. Putting this out here publicly is hard.

If you are reading this and are grieving yourself let me give you one piece of advice. Feel it. Feel it all. Don't close it off.  It's so much better for you to feel all of it and grieve. Remember your special person. Don't ever forget them or let anyone tell you to move on. In time you will move forward but allow yourself time and grace. Say their name and often as you want to. Talk about them.

I'm so excited to be over here again. I'm not sure how often I will be able to write but I hope to do it as much as possible. I have always used this as my platform to grieve and heal and just let go. This is a new season and ready to go through it all!

I plan to continue writing about this part of my journey but would like to add some of my life and craziness to the mix if you all are up for it too!

Rhena~

Ramblings

For the past week I have been contemplating on what I should write,

 I think "Does it even matter anymore?"

"Do people even want to read what I have to say after almost 10 years?"


Then I remember who this blog is really for. ME.  The grieving one. Then one who is still navigating through all of this.

Society would say I should be "over this" by now, but I'm not.

When I think I'm doing great and past all the drama and stress this loss has brought, something/someone strikes again! And it always seems it happens around a significant date.

I don't bother any of them. Some have blocked me or 'unfriended' me. Yet here we are again after 8 months of nothing and contact is trying to be made again.

What I don't understand is why??? Why now after me not responding the last two times you have tried to talk to me? Why is your timing just so perfect (insert sarcasm)?

The logical side of me knows not to respond and to leave things as they are. Then there is this other side that draws me to want to accept and ask questions. I know it will only lead to the same heartache yet here I am still unsure of what to do.

Today marks what would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. Is this the reason for sudden interest in reconnecting with me?

Will I continue to deal with this the rest of my life?

I know I am rambling and this all makes no sense. I feel the need to at least type this all out to get the thoughts out of my head.

Sometimes I wish I had a manual to guide me through this grief....

!0 years though. That is such a long time. A decade. My wedding seems more of a dream than something that actually happened. When I look at pictures I don't even know who that girl is looking back at me.

Normally after 10 years of marriage couples have kids, stable jobs, have bought a home and have a life built.

In my last 10 years I have gotten married, become a widow, lost my way, found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, married him,  had a beautiful baby girl, gone through hell and back with my husband, moved 7 times in 5 years, gone from one branch of service to other, found myself, and had a handsome baby boy. I can honestly say that 10 years ago I never would have seen my life like this.

As great as my life is now and it really is, it doesn't change what has happened in my life and what I still continue to deal with. I still miss him and our life we were just starting. I'm still dealing with people who give me anxiety and post traumatic stress. Even just seeing there names puts a knot in my stomach.

Anyone going through any kind of loss or grief know that even after so many years you still feel it. Something or someone will always be there to bring everything to the surface when you least expect it to. Just continue to live. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and ignore the comments like 'just focus on what you have now', 'don't dwell on it', 'you have come so far, don't look back now'. No one understands what you are going through and how you need to deal with.

                       10 years ago                               

Today

The birth story of our precious baby boy!

Yesterday marked three weeks since the most handsome little man became the final piece to our family.

My journey didn't start three weeks ago though. 37w 2d is when it all started. Tom was still in Louisiana not excepted to come home til the following week. That Wednesday afternoon I started having contractions. I was Skyping with my mom. I had been having them off and on for weeks so I thought nothing of it til they weren't going away. I decided to start timing them. After an hour of consistent contractions I texted my midwife to let her know. She instructed me to time for another hour and see how things were. So I did. Nothing changed. I started to panic a little because it was just Kait and I and I wasn't prepared. My wonderful momma helped me calm down and get me back in the mindset I needed to have. My midwife told me to continue timing and to check back in a couple hours and if they hadn't stopped to take a bath and see if that calmed them down. I decided to make dinner and finish homework with Kaity. Cleaned the kitchen, got Kaity to bed, and took a bath. Still they continued. She decided she was going to come check me and see where I was at. She got to the house around midnight. I was 50% effaced and a +1. My cervix was so far back we couldn't tell if I was dilated or not. We then decided it was time to get Tom home. After getting everything squared away with the Red Cross, Tom was on his way home by the next morning. By the late morning my contractions seemed to slow down a bit so we all decided to get some rest. Tom got home late Thursday night. We made arrangements for his unit to pick him up and brought home and they totally dropped the ball. So at 1:30 AM I had to drive all the to the airport and get him. Once he was home though I was finally able to relax and all my worry went away.

For the next six days I continued to have contractions. They would get super consistent for hours and then just fade. It was quite frustrating and exhausting. Sleep became nonexistent and I had horrible restless legs and feet that kept me up as well. We did just about everything under the sun to get things moving along but little man was obviously still pretty cozy.

May 25 I lost my mucus plug, but still no other progress.

May 26 I went to my chiropractor. She was most likely the key that unlocked the door lol!
Contractions picked up that afternoon around 3 PM and didn't let up. I called my midwife and her and her intern got everything together and were on there way over. (They live on the complete other side of island so they were overly cautious about getting to me. Traffic here is horrible). Once they got here she checked me again and decided they were staying until this baby came! We called my doula and she came as well. Oh and my friend/photographer did too.

We really thought we would have a baby by that morning/afternoon but nope. I labored a lot of the night in the birth pool.

The next morning May 27 everything was still the same. We decided to let my friend/photographer go home to get some rest since we were all up most of the night. We ate breakfast, went for a really long walk, came home and rested a little while. Tom and I went and found some stairs and every ten steps I did a squat or if I had a contraction I would stop and squat. I did that ten times. After lunch we decided to have a dance party to help get my contractions up and consistent again. I used my birth ball. It was actually really fun :) and it worked some too. I did a few different exercises on the ball. After that my midwife started tincture shots. I did one every hour. They were to help keep my contractions steady and help them get stronger. I continued to labor through the evening and night. By late night my contractions were really strong. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I went back and forth laboring from bed to the living room with my ball and night long. My midwife checked me again in the middle of night and the baby had moved back up a little. She couldn't figure out why or why she was having such a hard time finding my cervix. I started to get really defeated. I was having such strong contractions and completely exhausted but nothing seemed to be changing. She told me at that point it was my choice what we wanted to do. I could go to the hospital if I wanted to or stay home and see how things went. I wanted to so badly to accomplish my goal. I didn't want to give up unless in was absolutely necessary. I told her I just wanted to stay home and do this. I will admit after that I started to doubt myself. I had been laboring for so long and just didn't know if I had it in me to go on. The pain was so bad and the thought of some relief was tempting. I laid in bed trying to figure out what would be next for me. This is where my fitness strength came into play. I learned a long time ago how to train my mind. How I could control my thoughts and tell my body what it needed to do. And that's exactly what I did. I told my head that I could do this. That I was strong enough and I would make it to the finish line. I worked really hard for the next couple hours to not use energy in making any noise or movements during contractions. I rested as best as I possibly could. I eventually asked my intern if she could rub my back with oils. The pain in back was the worst! Between her, Tom and my doula they kept me as comfortable as possible.

May 28....We decided to send Kaity to school since we kept her home the day before. When Tom got back I wanted to go back in the pool. I had moved into the phase of labor where I wanted no talking or at least minimal. The water felt amazing! While in the water I really started getting the urge to push. I got the go ahead to just let my body do what it wanted so I started pushing every contraction. After a few pushes I moved the baby down some...right on my tailbone....OUCH!!!! My midwife wanted to do one more check to see my progression and check baby. We went to my bed and got me all set up there. After she checked me  she found one reason things had been taking as long as they did. I had scar tissue on my cervix from when I had Kait. It was making it harder for me to completely dilate. So she used some oils to help with that. At that point we decided to just stay in the bed because I could move around more and be in different positions. I think I tried every position there is lol. Another hour went by and it was time for another check. She finally felt my water bag bulging (I had come to the conclusion my water was never going to break because apparently eating as well as I do made my bag extremely thick and strong) and asked me if it was ok if she just broke it. At that point the dream of my water breaking on its own didn't matter so I said yes! But my water didn't just break....it exploded!!! Haha. It went all over my doula the poor thing. Once we got that over with my contractions were just back to back,  I pushed for about two and a half hours. The baby ended up posterior and kind of got stuck at my tailbone so my midwife  had to help lift his head during a push to get it above the bone. With my doula behind me, Tom at my side encouraging me and cheering me on and the best midwife team we delivered my precious boy right there in my room. Tom caught him and laid him on my chest. At 12:35 PM Parker Thomas Frounfelker made his debut. It was the most beautiful moment in my life. I held him for at least an hour just loving on him and allowing him to latch on his own. We delayed cutting the umbilical cord for two hours. I ended up having to take two tincture shots to stop my bleeding. Because of how long my labor was I had quite a bit of bleeding and it wouldn't stop. After I drank those the bleeding slowed down. After we got cleaned up Tom got Kaity from school and she was able to meet her baby brother. Her and Tom then cut the cord. Then Parker got weighed. I was completely shocked when they told me he weighed 8lbs 1.5oz and was 21in long. I didn't believe them! 

So there you have it! I'm so happy we were able to do this at home. I wouldn't change a thing or the team I had. 

I also chose to encapsulate my placenta and I'm so glad I did. It helped in so many ways.

At three weeks old Parker weighs 10lbs and is breastfeeding great! I have lost 20lbs and so ready to be able to workout again. 

I hope you enjoyed our story. Here are a few pictures for you to enjoy as well.

*Professional photo credit goes to A Little Love Photography 

Why?

Today marks 9 years since my first love was taken from my arms. Taken from the life we planned to live together til we were old and gray. Taken from a Corps he intended to continue to serve proudly. Taken from family who loved him unconditionally.

Matt was a loving man who hated confrontation. He always wanted peace between everyone. He loved those who didn't really deserve it.

In the time we had together all he did was love me. Me being the stubborn one I am I fought it at times because that's who I am, just ask Tom! But no matter what he loved me. He put up with so much to be with me. He was in a war, it may not have included a weapon or leaving my side but it was a war. He fought for our love everyday. He fought for acceptance. He fought for happiness and peace.

Unfortunately 9 years later and the war still hasn't been won. He would be so disgusted. He would hang his head in disappointment. How do I know this? Because I knew him, the REAL him. The one who shared him deepest secrets, his wants and desires, his pains and sorrows, his dreams and wishes.

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As most of you know its been a while since I have written. The last time was in Feb. I kind of took a break after that just to focus on my life and family. I have wanted to write so many times since then but the words were just never there.

This morning I woke up as usual and since it is Matt's anniversary of his death I wanted to write on his memorial page. Well to my surprise I have been blocked. Just a month ago I wrote and posted a pic on the page. So now not only have I have been blocked from personal pages but MY husbands memorial page. Fine block me from the others but why his? Why does anyone feel they have the right or prerogative to block me or delete me?

No one can change that I was his wife. They can all continue to make up their own stories about him and change things to their benefit but it doesn't change the truth.

So please continue to be immature, hateful, and hurtful because why would you all change now?

I will continue to love and cherish what we had. I will keep the memories of him alive and not alter them to make me look better.

I loved him with my whole heart and nothing will ever change that.

As I have said before peace and acceptance is all that has ever been wanted.

Now I will continue my day as planned with my family and maybe even share a few memories on Facebook throughout the day of my Matt <3 p="">

Surprise post!

Hi again!

What?? Two posts in one week? Yes!

I'm going to do something a little different in this post though. 

I have been asked so many times, especially in the last few days...

'How does your husband feel about you still loving your first husband?' 

'How does he cope with all the emotions?'

'How does he feel about you talking about it so much?'

'Doesn't it bother him or make him jealous?' 

'He would have to be a special guy' (On this I can attest. He is :))

Well today he is going to answer those questions himself and tell you his story of all of this.

These are his words not mine. I'm hoping after this you will all have a better understanding of him and our relationship.

Hi. This is Tom. So I am being FORCED to write on the blog post...Haha just kidding!!!! OK, so anyway, Rhena has told me that a lot of people ask her all these questions. So I will answer these questions as best as I can.

So how do I feel about her loving another guy? Well, I can understand how she feels that way because I too lost someone very special in my life and I know that those feelings do not just go away. Plus, its not like she can leave me to be with him...I know that she loves me. She married me. She said the same vows that I said. We have a beautiful child together. 

How do I cope with the emotions? Well, it is my duty as her husband to be with her at all times no matter what, so that's what I do. I need to comfort her and be there for her when she needs me. Plus, I love her more than anything else in the world and I HATE to see her sad or upset. 

About her talking about it. I think its healthy to talk about those moments because I want her to remember those times and cherish them. I would never want her to forget that time in her life. Again, i now how important it is to cherish memories, because you never know what the future holds.

Jealousy......no I do not get jealous when she talks about him or that time in her life. I wasn't even in the picture so why should I get jealous. I can't control her memories or change the past, so it makes no sense to get jealous over something like that. Plus it wouldn't be fair to her to make that situation about me when it clearly has nothing to do with me. The only thing that bothers me is how his family treats her now. if I could drop a bomb on them all and get away with it I would. They infuriate me with how they treat her.

Final question. Yes, I am special. I'm totally awesome!

So there you have it. He is pretty awesome :)

As I have said in the past I know Matt and God chose Tom special just for me. How everything played out it is quite evident. 

Again I want to say these were his words not mine!

Here we are...two imperfect people figuring out this thing called LIFE!

9 years later!

Hello world!

Its been quite a while since I have been around here. So many times I wanted to write but didn't know what to say.

Life sure has had its ups and down the past year, but here I am.

Today marks what would have been 9 years of marriage. Its crazy to me to think I would have been married that long.

But I want to share something I have kept quiet about.

To me this marriage was/is very real. I married this man with the full intention of spending the rest of my life with him. We all know that didn't happen though.

This past February my VERY real marriage to this man was challenged.

As you all know I have had a rough journey with ones in his family. This hasn't been easy nor did I ever want it that way.

Valentines day this year exceeded all past conflicts.

A very private part of me and my beloved was taken from us. Some may say I'm selfish to hold onto pieces of us for only me but I get to be selfish. Plain and simple.

My wedding pictures....

Matt never saw them in person just on the computer. I didn't receive them until a year after our wedding.

So for me these photos were very intimate. Still are.

My wedding day is something I hold onto very close to my heart.

One can only imagine then when logging on to internet to then find ALL of your pictures post for the world to see quite shocking.

I have only ever had that feeling in my stomach one other time and that was when my Matt was taken from me.

And now this.

This is how things have always been. No one ever thinks about how it might affect others or their feelings.

These pictures were not just of me and my husband. There were pictures of lots of others that have died or divorced. Do you really think they wanted to see those either? Probably not!

With all of this I received message and message. Some from friends and family showing support and love. Others not so much.

I have basically been told that because he died our marriage is null and void and he belongs to them.

Just lots of hurtful hurtful things.

Let me just say I have the BEST husband in the world. He stayed by my side the entire day and held me as I sobbed. Since it was Valentines day I had plans to make a special dinner for my family but after all of that I had no more energy to do anything. He decided to get me out of the house and get my mind off of everything. He took both of his girls to dinner :)

We have talked about how to move forward from all of this and slowly we are. Unfortunately some things are going to just take more time but I can't go into that.

9 years later and I never saw things being like this.

I always wonder where we would be in our life, how many kids we would have, what struggles we would have faced, what our love would look like now.

I miss him still so much. Every time I see his face I fall in love with him again. I loved his crooked smile and they way he looked at me.

My vows meant the world to me and just because we aren't physically together doesn't me I can't still hold them dear. They still matter to me. I don't care if they don't mean anything to anything one else.

He was MY husband and no one can take that from me. I get the final say. I make the decisions that concern him.

Because they are mine and I want to here are a few of our special day I would like to share :)

I hope you enjoyed some of my most precious memories :)

Wiping away the dust

I can't believe how long its been since I last wrote! That tells you how my life has been going...
Don't get me wrong life has been great but a little busy!! Being a wife and mom full time plus running a business has kept me more than occupied! I'm so blessed how much my business has grown in last year! Its amazing what word of mouth a little advertising can do! Well instead of rambling here I want to tell the world the awesome things happening in our life now.

If you have followed my blog for a while you know a lot of my story. You know the struggles that Tom and I have experienced...to an extent. To think of where we were just two years ago and where we are now is a complete 180! We have come so far from the couple who almost lost each, or maybe even did for a while, to a couple that is determined to make it to 80 years of marriage! Yes we still have our days but who doesn't. We still struggle trying to find the quiet time for just 'us' but we are doing it, one step at a time. We have made it 5 years! This year was very special to us because today in this world a lot of couples don't make it this far! So to us 5 years is a huge deal!! As I have said many times love is choice and we are choosing every day to keep going>3
Then we have our 4 year old beauty who knows how to keep us searching for the right ways to parent. She has a way of making us feel like we are the biggest failures but then 5 minutes later shows us that we are doing something right. We have found parenting is seriously the most difficult job in the world but has the best rewards. Our girl is so smart and has the most creative imagination. She has a heart that is so open and ready to love. She loves Jesus and has so many questions about him. I really believe God gave her a special heart to have compassion for those who have lost and a way at a young to understand death. She is so curious about Matt and her grandpa(tom's dad). Her mind loves to create a whole new magical world that she pulls Tom and I into. She is so in love with her daddy and call him her prince. I really hope she never loses that. Choosing to just have her as our one and only has made me appreciate my time with her and watch her grow in a different way.

One of the biggest things to happen in my life this year though just happened two months ago.
My sister has come back in my life!! I prayed and prayed and cried and prayed for a year and a half and it finally happened. On a Sunday afternoon I found an email waiting for me that put me in a state of shock that I have only experienced one other time in my life 7 years ago. I didn't know if it was real or a practical joke someone was playing on me. I can tell you it wasn't and in the past two months I have had a hole in my heart start to fill. I truly didn't know if I would ever hear from her again but am so happy that God has brought us back together! The bond between sisters can't never truly be broken! I'm so looking forward to the journey her and I will take together from this point forward!

Lastly is our Army life. As much as we miss the Marine Corps and wish we could still be in it, we are so thankful for the Army and what it has provided for us. We have been at Fort Hood, TX. now for a year and a half and though I really don't like it here I have made the best of it. We have made a lots of great friends that have been like a family and Kaity has had lots of little people to play with. I have learned so much about this life being here and have loved the opportunity to be a big part of Tom's unit.
But.....our time is slowly coming to and end because in just a short six months we will be heading to the beautiful state of HAWAII  for 4 years!!!! To say we are excited is an understatement! We are ecstatic!
We have been waiting 5 years to go back to that paradise never once thinking it would be for more than a week or two!
Moving there is going to bring on a whole new set of adventures for this family mine and we can't wait!  We plan to travel and see as much as we can and allow Kaity to experience a whole new world.
Most of the people that have known me forever might have a heart attack when they hear this but I will probably be taking on homeschooling! Yes I said it out loud for everyone to hear HOMESCHOOLING! So any advice would be greatly appreciated!

So this is our life right now! Crazy busy life and we are loving it!